To teach my kids to say no to their dad

Yes that is cruel. Its not their fault or responsibility that DH buys too much and you are making them choose which parent to keep happy.

I think you meant to direct this at the OP? @Bloodyscrooge

😀

I know you said he likes to buy them treats but Is there an underlying reason for it? My husband is a bit similar but it’s because his mother is horribly emotionally and psychologically abusive and he’s trying to make sure our children don’t have the kind of childhood he did. Remembering that makes it much easier to deal with!

Our children are far younger (toddler and newborn), I’m a SAHP so I spend more time than him at home/ with the children and the purchasing is less frequent so I’m not sure if any of these suggestions will help but:

• Usually clothes are handed down from their cousins and anything else I try to buy off Vinted so it’s much more justifiable to get the occasional thing new
• Toys I usually buy from Vinted or EBay (where possible) so, again, it’s not too much of a problem to get the odd new thing
• We don’t exchange gifts with DH’s family (for obvious reasons), we do a ‘gift truce’ with most friends and I suggest practical/ physically small gift ideas to my family
• Anything they grow out of (minimal so far but they are opposite sex siblings) I donate to a children’s charity or give away via my local Mums’ WhatsApp group, as they get older I may sell some of the bigger stuff too.
• When my daughter grows out of something I put it away for a while before donating it and usually she forgets about it/ never asks for it but if she did genuinely love it I could return it
• I keep all the stickers, sticker books, colouring pads, pens etc. in a big clear plastic box for supervised use so it’s easy to see that the box is full so we don’t need any more right now
• I have started teaching the toddler (in a minimal age appropriate way) about money and saving, over consumption/ waste and giving to charity. I try to model this with my so she sees it as normal- DH’s family are massive hoarders so he does find it harder to let go of things but we both try
• Given the children’s ages our main problem is soft/ stuffed toys so I told DH he needed to get a toy box to store them in and I now refer to the toy box being full and therefore we don’t need any more, I also make suggestions to him for things they do actually need and we got two big IKEA units for general storage
• We frequently discuss why we need to declutter (e.g. the spare room will be needed for the newborn’s bedroom in six months or so) and the benefits of doing so

Your advice on her marriage or home is not wanted nor not warranted, and has told you this in a roundabout way. You also look at things in a negative and judgemental way.

The issue here is a dad who wants to be the fun dad with treats all the time. Dad's forgotten the meaning of a treat - something that happens rarely.

Well if one parent wants the other to stop something and they communicate and the other ignores it there is something going on

Sure one shouldn't overule another but if 2 adults cant sort an issue out so one involves the children something is wrong

But you're the parent. It's your responsibility to make decisions your children don't like. I realise your DH isn't making this easy, but, again, that's your problem, unfortunately.

As everyone has said, this is an issue between you and your husband. Do not involve your young children in it.

How much stuff does he actually buy and what kind? Do you have adequate storage?

You also need to pass on the inconvenience on to him. Trips to the dump with bin bags of broken toys, charity shop with clothes/toys on good condition, sort things out together when the kids are asleep or away.

The kids should be responsible for putting their stuff away properly.

Yes. Get a box or basket and put all the new stuff in there. Clothes, toys the lot. After a while he should see how much he is buying. You also need to work out what he is getting out of this. Did he have a deprived childhood and is trying to overcompensate. Is he a spends holic. Does he spend much on himself?

I was just like that with my DC. Every time I go shopping, I couldn’t help it, I had to get them something. I was overcompensating as a child we didn’t have much. My DH was constantly telling me to stop. I realised that the treats made ME feel good and it was in a way selfish as I wasn’t teaching the value of things, money and they were starting to behave like spoiled kids. I still buy them occasional treats.
Your DH needs to understand the above.
Same as everyone else, don’t ask your kids to say no, they are kids! they will always want stuff. It’s your DH that needs to work on himself and understand his behaviour.

I was also going to suggest can you redirect his energy into taking them somewhere rather than shopping and buying things? Taking them to soft play and buying them a snack there?

If he is set on buying something would a magazine subscription (where he could go collect) be an idea instead?

I think you need to address with him why he feels the need to buy them something every time he takes them out. As they get older if he continues this surely the costs will go up as they won't just want a sticker book.

My point is - clearly the issue is broader than this.

the op could say to her husband “are you buying all these gifts for the fact you feel guilty about the state of our marriage and the impact on our children”

Gosh- I could have written this- just 10/15 years ago.
I just had to accept that we both had different ways of doing things. No right or wrong- we just tried to meet in the middle.
And it’s useful sometimes- because I am not very good at that side of things, so he can be. For example he will take our daughter for the big Christmas shop- I hate it, he loves it.
Good luck with it.

It's a bit presumptuous of you to remark on the state of their marriage or their home environment.

Treat them with a day out instead? Am pretty sure the kids would love fun with dad than endless presents.
I think it is unfair to ask your children to say no. But you could teach them the art of giving, allow them to sort through the stuff to donate instead - and in front of dad so he can see how much stuff he buys that they don't want!

Exactly

“perfect” is the last word I’d use to describe that set up

Children who feel overwhelmed and unhappy parents, thats perfect?

To me it sounds like a tense marriage where one is thoroughly pissed off and the husband just ignores his wife

I'm concerned that you're making the kids feel anxious about making 'the right choice'. Always worrying about what mum is going to think if they accept a treat.

On what possible grounds do you think this poster’s Christmas sounds perfect”???

I suspect your benchmark has deteriorated with time op

this doesn’t sound happy