BIL is destroying his family

They’re not interested as there is no legal framework for them to stop your mum doing what she wants with her money.

Family members are senior barristers - they always say put stuff in writing, so you know EXACTLY where your thinking /planned action is!

I'd be tempted to write a letter /WhatsApp to everyone.... :

Saying you're sorry it's all got so muddled.

That you've been good son /dil

That the spoilt son for whatever reason has received 500k so far ...over the last x years... I'd even detail the larger amounts... Eg 80k debt - paid by parents x month/year etc etc

This is clearly iniquitous and presumably not what they intended. It's just been bil interesting wya of budgeting.

Youre concerned that parents will run out of money as they have little pension left.

That you live in South East with young family and have received nothing.

Which has impacted on your ability to save...

You will sadly be in no position to help them financially as they age...

And none of you want the parents bankrupt.

The no one can be in any doubt.

I have a similar situation with my dsis and my dm is elderly now nothing you can do but accept it. I have tried opg dm was deemed as having capacity at the time she made those decisions I have tried ss as dsis has manipulated and isolated dm from me and my family I even had to get ss involved as I had no idea where she was even living dsis has excluded us and made it very difficult for me to maintain a relationship with dm. Ss weren’t interested either

And if either of them ever needs a care home, or an essential visiting carer, the council will probably refuse to fund this unless they can somehow find a way to ‘prove’ coercion. Which they would probably need to magic up non existent funds to pay a solicitor for. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

If BIL may be gambling his elderly parents’ funds away, there’s an NHS service for codependents of addicts which they could try self referral to. This might help them see they’re not actually helping him, and has the added bonus of links to safeguarding processes etc. https://www.northerngamblingservice.nhs.uk/i-am-an-affected-family-member/referral/

This, added with the message also said 'more in sorrow than anger'

A person close to me has lost their house to equity release, done unknown to them by their late spouse (with early dementia) who gave the funds to 1 of their 4 offspring to pay off debts. They and the rest of their family found out when the letter came from the ER firm saying they owned the house. Now elderly they are unable to move anywhere more suitable and the remaing family are supporting.
OP, you at least have time to warn them

Agree
The parents are enablers
They get a pay off for doing this.
Maybe subconsciously
I know bil threatened all sorts, but it goes deeper than that.
I had a relative bail out their eldest son twice (hp payments)
When he got himself into debt a third time (in a fairly short period of time ) they said ‘ you’re on your own’ and left him to it.

There’s nothing you can do. Either your in laws will or won’t see the light.

O can understand your husband feeling resentful and hurt - your BIL sounds truly awful. But clearly, your ILs just refuse to stop being enablers and are willing to let him piss everything up the wall.

It’s a waste of your husbands resources to dwell on it.

I recommend Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents book - because it seems that his parents have pushed ‘roles’ onto their respective children.

I would work on the basis that there will be no inheritance for BIL or your DH and you should make your peace with that.

Your DH needs to make it crystal clear to his parents that you and your DH are in no position to help them, either financially or with care in their old age.

It sounds as though the favouring of your BIL and the sidelining of your DH began in childhood as you have said the following about your PILs' treatment of your DH:

'(he has grown up with being left out of holidays, outings etc)'

That would definitely make me harden my heart and would make it much easier to erect clear boundaries in your relationship with your PILs. I'm pretty sure that there will be a lot of emotional blackmail and I would recommend that your DH seeks some therapy to come to terms with the way that he has been treated by his parents since childhood.

I would suggest asking them if they would like DH to be their power if attorney. This would at least safeguard them from financial abuse if in the future they lost capacity - that's if they have anything left by then. I would also try talking to them and raising with them your concerns from the perspective of their own financial security in the future. You can't unfortunately do anything about the unfairness of it though. They are in an abusive and coercive relationship with BIL.

Agree!!

@GreenJazz your dh needs to make it crystal clear that he and you cannot help in Any way, and ask his parents what their plan is for when their pension runs out? then you both need to take a big step back and that means not listening to them moaning about their situation or what bils latest bit of bad behaviour is. This might give them the short sharp shock they need to take responsibility for themselves .

This was my first thought - it is absolutely not favouritism they are being emotionally and financially blackmailed by the sounds of it! It’s a sad situation, has your husband actually sat his parents down and spoke to them about it? At the end of the day you can say your peace but that’s about all you can do, if they have capacity it’s up to them. Your BIL sounds awful.

Financial abuse by fraud - possibly coercion as well. It absolutely does not matter that they have capacity. It’s emotional manipulation.

he’s a lowlife and to be honest id be inclined to ring the police and ask them to investigate if a crime is taking place and possibly adult social services and raise a safeguarding concern.

You need to speak with PIL and determine what access he’s been giving to funds bank accounts etc. they need to consider whether it’s worth putting in place power of attorney to someone that can be trusted if a time comes they do not have capacity to make appropriate decisions on their behalf.

stress to them this is not about you not loosing out - it’s about ensuring they are comfortable and protected. This is a minefield.

I would speak to my parents, tell them my concerns generally but emphasise that I am worried they are not going to survive their old age without they money they have given away. I would ask them to consider giving me financial power of attorney to ensure this financial abuse stops now. Your brother needs to be asked to start to pay back the loans.

I wonder speak to my parents, tell them my concerns generally but emphasise that I am worried they are not going to survive their old age without they money they have given away. I would ask them to consider giving me financial power of attorney to ensure this financial abuse stops now. Your brother needs to be asked to start to pay back some of the loans.

I agree, leaving aside a situation where one adult child is severely disabled or something, parents should without fail treat all of their children equally when it comes to finances.

Op I think your husband has to initiate a frank formal discussion with his parents about how much money, or not, they have left to live on, and the value of their house and any savings or pensions etc.

Having established those figures, he then brings you in to the meeting, as you and your children will be affected, and you both make it clear that they cannot expect you to bail them out. That you don’t expect anything from them but they must stop giving any more money to your bil as you won’t be there to pick up the financial pieces.

Then having reached some resolution about this between you all, as best as possible anyway, and a future plan going forward, your dh then has to go to his brother and tell him to stop financially abusing his parents and pressuring them for money or he will be seeking legal advice. And he needs to tell him in no uncertain terms to get a job, any job, and start paying his parents back, while realising in reality that he probably won’t do this. At the very least he needs to get help for his gambolling addiction.

@GreenJazz

I'm so sorry you're facing this situation.

First off, you and DH need to present a united front.

The main thing is that you cannot control BiL nor can you control your iLs. The only thing you and DH can control is your reaction to them. So you can't stop BiL from asking them for money, nor can you stop them from giving it to them.

I think what you need to do is get your iLs off by themselves in a 'low key' situation in your home, say dinner or just tea and cake. Then DH, with you backing him up, need to present them with the 'facts' as you see them; that BiL is driving them to the poorhouse with his incessant demands for money. You need to explain to them that chances are if they keep up the way they are going they will end up 'destitute' (or broke, bankrupt, without funds, bones of arse, you choose the term). Then ask them what their plans are for when (not if!) that happens. Explain that DH and you (again he should be talking) are not/will never be in the financial position to give them money or to support them should that happen. And that you will not under any circumstances give money or support BiL. (At this point you can also raise the issue of them being able or not being able to move in with you if that's relevant and that BiL will NEVER be allowed to live in your home regardless of whether or not they do)

This kind of discussion falls under 'hurts me more than it does you'. But your DH needs to understand that he is doing his parents a disservice by not having a frank discussion with them. Yes, there may be 'fallout', but there may also be a chance that it's a big wake up call to them. To me, that's worth the chance.

Now is the time to make it very clear that you won't be doing that.

dont bail them out - finanically they wont learn and will still pass on to your BIL

It seems they don't own their house now, if I've understood the equity release thing.

So what happens if they need to go into care?

Instead of doing the wise thing and looked to securing their future they've enabled a bloodsucker who's perfectly capable of supporting himself and channelled most of it his way.

Time your husband stepped up and protected his parents from this parasite who has left them in this dire state.

Arrange a business-like conversation with them - he needs to help them cut off the supply of money before it runs out for them.

I think the PP meant that OP’s DH will come under huge pressure to help his DP, given what his DF has said about running through his pension. DH needs to make it clear to his DP that there must be no expectation that he will be subbing his DB or housing his DP. His DP need to sort their finances out and stop giving his DB money.

No that’s not your job.

You need to help your husband to step away from this shit-show. They have enabled this monster when they should have taken the tough approach years ago.

You and DH need to focus on your family unit.

Time for DH to tell BiL the money is running out.

i think you need to make clear that you can not support the in-laws and you can not support BiL. You need to focus on your family unit. They all need to understand you do not have a magic money tree.

You need to start hammering home the question ‘what happens when the money runs out?’ ask them ‘what will happen if they need to go into care?. Time to get tough - lay out your stance now, don’t just wait for the end game.

I don’t think you are at all unreasonable to be frustrated by the situation or to want to look out for your parents in law, but I do think YABVU to be concerned on how it’s impacting your husband’s potential future inheritance.

I have an older sister who sounds very much like your BIL. She is in her 50s (also single, no kids) and has never once in her life fully provided for herself, but maintains a perpetual victim stance. My parents paid her entire rent for over half her life, still pay her health insurance and last year gifted her a full deposit for an apartment in a really affluent area so could live close to friends (she was too lonely in her last place apparently). She now complains the apartment is a ‘shithole’ and drops constant unsubtle hints about needing to upgrade because she’s too embarrassed to invite friends over.

They pay for all her holidays with rich pals, yoga retreats, bought her a car she wrote off within two weeks (this was just last year!) and then replaced it. She has several degrees, flits from career to career and still comes begging. Likewise, makes not-so-vague allusions to suicide if there’s any suggestion they won’t sort something for her financially.

I have two other siblings and none have us have ever had anything similar.

I can hate the situation and be disappointed in my parents for not standing up for themselves or calling her out on anything, but it is their money. If spending it in that way helps make their lives easier by alleviating some of their anxiety then that’s absolutely theirs to do - I’d rather they spent it on holidays or treating themselves but they are very grown adults (in their 80s) so they can and should make that call.

I think ‘when your parents have had a very luxurious life, and given your brother half a million, I think it's not unreasonable to expect a little to come your way’ is actually quite unreasonable. Your husband presumably had a very privileged upbringing and shouldn’t feel like any of their money is in any way ‘his’, despite not liking how they’re spending it.