BIL is destroying his family

your in laws fucked up immensely here. The BIL dragged them down to it. Let them get ruined, sell the house and end up on benefits. Nothing else would help here.

GO NC. Otherwise you soon will be destroyed financially too.

My parents were too egotistical to think they could do wrong. There's been all sorts of love conquers all crap wheeled out for Golden balls, not for the other two siblings who have to apparently stand on our own to feet.
What worked was pointing out GB hadn't been in touch, match their work ethic. Continuously let them down perhaps he'll change but he's nearly 50.
They then got angry.
Started to back off rather than 'if you are ever in trouble' type chat.
We're not out the woods but getting there

DH's sister is pulling a similar stunt. Apparently feeling dreadful that she needs the inheritance now for health reasons but living a Dubai, horsey, private school lifestyle.

So very common in our anecdotal world.

This

You need to make your husband aware that the minute he diverts your money from you and the children to his parents, it'll be divorce. You need to put protecting the care of your children above anything else - and if that means divorce to protect half the family assets, then so be it.

I don't understand the ins and outs of these things, but would any of it come under deprivation of assets? If they'd been very well off, handed all their money to one DS and then needed council care? And what about tax implications if they die within the (I think it's seven) years of handing all this cash to their DS? Who pays that?

It's hard to feel sorry for them tbh.

A lot of us don't get an inheritance, that's not the issue.

They might not be able to support themselves for as long as necessary because they have chosen to literally give money away.

If this has been going on for about 20yrs, is it elder abuse?

I agree with this.

You can’t stop your PILs bankrupting themselves for their son but you can tell them categorically - and I’d put it in writing - that you can’t support them or BIL when the money runs out.

So when they have died BIL will absolutely be on his own.

Their kindest thing would be to make him become independent now but since that doesn’t sound like it’ll happen, you just need to state the consequences.

You need to make sure your husband is onboard with this though.

You owe it to your kids.

I am frightened for your PILs safety though.

Aside from the inheritance aspect this is quite alarming to hear about.
It sounds like coercive control and financial abuse which is a form of domestic abuse. Have a look at this info: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

https://www.independentage.org/get-advice/money/stopping-financial-abuse

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/financial-abuse/

Contact age concern for advice on what to do. But be clear that this is about your parents IL being extorted financially (not about inheritance concerns).

Best of luck !

Sounds like the inheritance is already gone tbh.
God help the survivor of the pair should they need a care home, there will be precious little equity left because if they aren’t paying the interest of the equity release then the whole house will likely go to the ER company.
I wonder if the useless grifter Son realises this?

Where will the parents go once they’ve lost their house?

but isnt that favouritism? Not holding him to the same standards? Treating the more capable one less favourably? Whatever the reason, it is deeply unfair. I have seen it in my own family and it is really toxic.

OP you would be the bad guy whatever you do anyway, so you may as well say ‘no not my problem’ at the start. This way you will not become a victim of ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. I found in my situation that I was expected to fall in to line, and pay for the feckless lifestyle of the relative once they reached crisis point and when I didn’t, I was emotionally blackmailed and the suicidal talk came out as their last resort. The thing is, I didn’t care, so they had no leverage. This was genuinely a shock to them, they think they are important. I told him to get a job and I would help somewhat up til then - he point blank refused to get a job, as he ‘thought he wouldn’t be able to get one’. Didn’t try.

Your dh has to back you, if he doesn’t then you’ve got a real problem as your finances are merged and he is effectively funnelling away from the family unit.

Ignore the people who say you weren’t entitled to an inheritance. If you are not fine but the bil is not either then, but he got it didn’t he. In fact you have dc and are entitled to it more, as inheritance is a family legacy for most, the way I see it bil is actually entitled to less as he is just one person with no dc? plus he uses it for wasteful purposes.

If he’s exploring them financially and emotionally blackmailing then you could seek advice from local authority adult safeguarding?

Oh, and PIL are not that fond of you or your family.

No matter what they say when they realise they backed the wrong horse.

You can do one thing which is really, really positive. Stop the rot.

Tell PIL you can’t support them in old age.

It won’t be easy. They’re used to shitting on you. BIL will be outraged.

It’s still the right thing to do for them and you. You speaking up, gently and with no drama, is the only chance they’ve got to rein it in with BIL.

State care isn’t so bad if they don’t. Be prepared for emotional blackmail, it’s a family skill. Don’t back down, no matter what. State care isn’t that bad - rinse and repeat.

I disagree, I think she comes across as concerned they’ll have enough for their needs.

Short of asking our PILs to put all their assets and money in a trust which your DH and one parent control, I don’t think there’s anything you can do - other than accept that your PILs are weak, derelict in their duties to both of their sons, irresponsible in not planning for their future.

Allowing this to go on isn’t them being nice or overly loving: it’s enabling, irresponsible, immature, cruel. They need to get a grip and tackle this situation head on. Which they won’t, because if they wanted to they would have done so already. So all you can do is walk away and protect yourselves. Your DH won’t, but you can. And, no elder care from you. None.

Hm I’m in a similar position with one of my siblings and I would be pretty unsettled to see my SIL writing something like this. It reads to me that you are upset that you haven’t got your hands on their money while BIL has. IMO how they spend their money is very little to do with you.

They might feel responsible in some way for his failure to launch and don’t want to see him struggle. FWIW it probably makes your DH the favourite because he’s able to stand on his own two feet.

If they are sensible, they will have a plan in place to supplement their retirement. If not, that isn’t really your concern either!

I can see there’s coercive control going on - I have the T-shirt and the hat and a small warehouse of souvenirs.

But, it’s not about ‘passing the buck’ - there is literally no legal framework that exists to allow SS to step in to safeguard. Thd adult has to be classed as ‘vulnerable’ and it’s a narrow definition.

Thd police - it’s incredibly difficult to prove coercive control and requires the victim to participate in the investigation.

Ifs endlessly awful and exhausting having an abusive person in your life - but it requires the victim to be willing to drop the rope (unless they lack capacity)

Sorry you’re having to deal with this - I do get how frustrating and harmful it is.

OP, show your in-laws this thread. So much succinct advice, it might change their mindset and it is a mindset. BIL will be ok, in this country, there is always work and he ought to work to pay tax and get NI so that he gets a state pension eventually. If all else fails the State will provide, as unfair as that is. I have been through this myself and I managed to save my mother from a parasitic person that would have eaten up everything and then turn to me as the next victim, fortunately my mother cooperated and with great relief the relative is now someone else’s problem as he didn’t learn but found a new victim.

@Fiftyandmei understand that there is awful lot more to my situation involving financial abuse that I haven’t included so not to derail the thread

I answered the op question that given my experience having been going round in circles with opg ss and police none of them take responsibility and pass the buck to each other that i personally found it better for my mental health to move on and accept the situation despite it being incredibly hurtful and unfair

Will you be seeing PIL over Christmas? Do you ever see them when BIL isn’t present? Are they close to your kids, good grandparents who show love?

I ask these questions in the hope you might have an opportunity to chat honestly with them, explain how it’s affected your DH’s relationship with the,, how you are concerned how they will cope when the money runs out because you need to prioritise your DCs, how you don’t see how your BIL will cope when he is told ‘there’s no more money’.

It'll only be your job (or your DH's) if you accept it. Don't. Why would you, for people who have acted so stupidly and treated you so unfairly?

Your on a well trod path here, if the parents have capacity they can spaff money anyway they like. All you can do is make it clear your can’t help or you’ll be dragged down with them.

My dad tried to stop his mother bankrolling his sister, it ended with my dad being cut out of the family and his sister getting everything 🤷🏻‍♀️ and his solicitor earned well out of it. We don’t even know if his mum is dead but dad’s 88 so probably not.