BIL is destroying his family

Think of it this way: your BIL inherited the money, your DH got everything else of worth.

I don't think this is favouritism. BIL is a very difficult child to deal with and they're just trying to do what they can, to stop him from killing himself. He's obviously emotionally manipulating them but they don't know what else to do. It's nothing to do with your husband and my concern would not be the disparity in what they have given BIL vs DH. It should be to do with their financial welfare going forward.

I don’t think it’s a simple case of favouritism. They are anxious because they are worried about their dependant son. Not sure how it ended up like this. You say he had good opportunities like private education, so it could be the case of overindulgence or him being useless. But I can see why they still keep giving him money to rescue him.

Why did he stop working 10 years ago? Has he tried therapy. Nobody can be happy with taking handouts and spending on travelling. I can imagine after a while this kind of travelling losing charm as any normal person will have worries about his future when his parents money runs out.

Regarding your dh, can ge see a therapist? Also, has he talked to his parents heart to heart about him worrying them losing everything and even then BIL being square to one. Then what happens? Have they planned for that?

If left to his own devices the BIL will continue to wear his parents down until they are completely overwhelmed and just give him all their money. He will keep up the pressure until they run out of energy and give in out of exhaustion.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating this worst case scenario but the likelihood of it occurring increases if they feel there is any chance that you and your husband will take them in and support them financially.

Our children do not deserve to have diluted resources and care due to the poor choices of others. Even the headspace required talking about this is a waste. Op and dh really need to see the bigger picture here. University costs a fortune. Using the best years of your life propping other people’s lifestyles is criminal. Ruining your own quality of life is madness when they have wasted half a million on db. It’s and absolute no.

OP, please reconsider your in laws living with you!

I agree. The focus needs to be looking after your children and I am supporting mine through university. I refuse to refuse to fund my mother because of the financial decisions she made over the past 20 years, especially when it became clear that she was assuming that I was going to pick up the pieces financially as she got older. Anyway I am not paying for her utilities nor her cruises so that she can meet her friends a couple of times a week for pub lunches. She has spent loads on clothes and jewellery and treating friends to lunch - it’s all a pretence and I am not funding it.

That’s not how I interpret the PP at all, no one is saying that the OP and her DH should support her PIL. They absolutely shouldn’t do this. The PP is simply saying that millennials aren’t under more pressure than previous generations to look after their parents in later life or when they’re in need. It’s a pressure that many of us feel.

And I don’t get the impression that the OP and her DH are millennials anyway.

What about if coercive control has been a factor? No one knows what pressure and manipulation has been at play.

this organisation is good

https://www.wearehourglass.org/

I think it might be worth your DH having a chat with a therapist to examine the family dynamics of his upbringing in a calm and dispassionate way. It might give him more insight into his parents' relationship with him, how they handled his brother etc. This might empower him not to get sucked into the dysfunctional relationship that exists between his parents and his brother.

Get from what, sorry? Do you think the PIL should be financially supported?

They have always chosen to fund him. It is not financial abuse.

Horrible, but I hope the links have been helpful, certainly useful information on there.

If you do consider contacting Adult Safeguarding, I think it’s a good idea as there will then be something on the record. My expectations of action or change from it would be low.

I do wish we still had the laughing emoji. All you get from this is that ‘millennials’ suffer disproportionally….

Sorry for typos. It’s early!

And absolutely none of the grandparents move in! Ever. Just no op. This is not fair on your children at all. They are your priority.

I am in this position - also with a brother with a gambling issue.

I am further down the line than you I suspect.

Your dh needs to go into therapy and figure out if he has been part of a black sheep/golden child family dynamic, and if that’s the case he needs to go low contact with his parents and no contact with his brother.

He needs to make it clear his parents can not rely on you both for old age care, that you have three children to support and jobs, that he fully expects Bil to step up, as he has the time. Then the a giant step back.

Yes it’s unfair re the inheritance but it’s life and many people do not have them. He has had the enormous privilege of private education, affluent childhood etc which is more than enough.

Stand back from this situation altogether. His parents are adults, they chose many years ago to bankroll their reckless son. You are not going to change it op. He is the golden child I suspect, and they will always support him.

Your dh needs to come to terms with this, and learn to accept he can not change it, but he can take a big step back from his parents and focus on his own family and himself. He can shape his future, his career and leave them to it. That is the most protective actin he can take.

It’s about time you both stoped seeing his parents as victims. They have literally chosen this for their family. Indulged their other son to a point of ruin. Step back and let them get on with it. Focus on your children.

Does your BIL have a gambling or drug addiction?

Glad you and DH are going to have that hard discussion. It will be worth it whether they listen or not because you will know that, come what may, you have done all you can for this situation. In your position I would rather have my parents/iLs angry and not speaking to me because I told them the hard truth than sit by in silence and see them ruin themselves because I was too afraid to speak out.

...but this is something I would struggle with (least of all because BIL would never be welcome here)

This needs to be said in the discussion, too. They need to understand that (if this is a possibility) they should come live with you that BiL will never be welcome in your home.

My god I’d have to be held back with a sock shoved in my mouth. They should be ashamed of themselves. They’ve not only created a monster man-child totally incapable of taking responsibility for himself as money is handed to him so why bother working? But they’ve essentially stepped on your DH in order to do it. They’ve willingly handed over your DH’s inheritance to their favourite son so that he doesn’t have to work! Wow.

Another worry, is if they ever end up in care and have no funds left to cover it, this could be seen as a ‘Deprivation of Assets’ situation

Good luck OP. I think empowering them to see if differently might help. Domestic abuse / coercive control is not just between partners. The definition is many types of family relationship so they fit the definition.
Coercive control and financial abuse within domestic abuse doesn’t require a ‘vulnerability’ like safeguarding does. But it would take them to recognise it as such and do something about it. It’s worth them getting legal advice too. There is so much dodgy dealings with older people being coerced into giving away assets and money. Look up the BBC will detectives on BBC sounds pidcast …. It’s Shocking

I actually think I started a thread a few years ago titled something along the lines dsis spending is ruining are family. Sad to report she has successfully ruined our family. Me and dsis are nc her choice she has ruined mine and my dc dm only gc with dm not seen dm for a year. Dh cousin there mums were twins but she is dsis best friends so no longer speaks to us her dc are similar age to mine and were close growing up now no longer speak family friends who were probably more dsis than mine but were there at dc birthday parties etc no longer speak to us and when I do see them look at me in disgust I have no idea what story dsis has told them but I can guarantee it’s not the truth

@Fiftyandmei am sorry if you have been in a similar situation

I do class dm as a vulnerable person she is elderly poor mobility breathless due to heart failure deaf as a post so can’t use the phone easily and no idea how to use the internet

so dsis was financially abusive turning off paper statements on the banking app knowing dm had no way of knowing what was going on which was her transferring money to her own account poa wasn’t even registered on the account at that time the first example of financial abuse on age concern/ hourglass is restricting access to your accounts

that is just one example how everything came to light but me that is theft and financial abuse what followed was the isolation of dm from the rest of her family making her totally dependent on dsis even the first company dsis tried to use for the equity release reported their concerns to ss

maybe I did things the wrong way i reported to opg as i didn’t want to distress dm and didn’t want to report dsis to the police it took a year for opg to assign it to an investigator when dsis was reported to ss by the mortgage company and later me they reported it the police who advised me they will wait and see what opg findings are never heard anything since and ss couldn’t apparently deal with it while opg were and despite me claiming financial abuse rather than abuse of poa they can’t do anything

so I do feel they have passed the buck and have failed to protect a vulnerable adult

@Vroomfondleswaistcoati warned dsis it could be seen as deprivation of assets which as an ex care home manager is fully aware of it. I think she thought dm would never go into a care home as she would look after her or her heart would pack up before she lost capacity but she is now in a care home i believe nhs continuous care so not self funded and as far as I am aware no financial assessment has been done

no idea if dsis will have to pay inheritance tax on all the amounts of money she’s had as she is the only executor of dm will not really where I wanted dm hard earned money to go but the evil side of me doesn’t want dsis to get away with all this.