Mother-in-law wants to be known as ‘Nana’ and I don’t want her to be

You need to work through your grief as it is completely unreasonable to try and persuade your mother in law to not be called Nana.

Of course a person can desensitise themselves to their triggers. A parent dying (without extreme circumstance surrounding it) is sad but not unexpected, it’s very unhealthy to hold on to the emotions the OP is doing.

Agreed. MIL’s request is entirely normal.

Who decided she would be called Nanny? It sounds old fashioned.

Sorry kindly you have to let this go and have 2 nanas

My nieces and nephews have 2 grandma's

And i say this as someone whose children have a grandma (my mum) and my dh mum called something I dislike with passion but never have voiced it as its unreasonable and my own personal bias and mine alone to deal with.

Nan, nana, nanny to me are all pretty much the same thing. You can steer your child towards nanny or nan but you can't stop Mil signing cards etc from Nana if she wants to call herself that.

This. You probably don't realise you are even doing it. It's not your MiL's fault your Mum has died. I think if your Mum was still alive you wouldn't be so precious about it. Lots of Grandmas are called Nana. I think it's up to your MiL what she wants to be referred to as. Just let your MiL build a good relationship with your DC and don't try to jeopardise it because your own Mum died.

My kids have never called their nana Nan. Thank goodness

When I was born, both my grandmothers and two of my great grandmothers were alive. They are all Nana, as are the two great grandmothers I never met. It's pretty normal for all grandmothers to have the same title if it's regional to them. All my cousins' other grandmothers were called Nana by them too.

I'd be very sad not to be able to have that title for any grandchildren I may have.

What would you have done if your mum was still with you and they both wanted to be nana? I know that in our family it would have been “Nana Smith” and “Nanna Jones”, or “Yorkshire Nana” and “Scottish Nana”. Or similar. (Surnames and birthplaces changed 🤣).

Do that. Then when you talk about your mum to your daughter in future she’s still Nana, just with a descriptor that suits her.

In our family there were 3 nanas. When they were young we would be referred to as Nana Rose/Nana June/Nana bev.
Now we are sadly just 2 nanas but same applies.
However from your explanation I would speak to your MIL and explain. Pretty sure she would understand.
Sorry for the loss of your mum.

More to the point the child might have other ideas.

My MIL suggested DS might want to call her something other than grandma as he called my mum grandma. He wasn't having any of it. Both are called grandma.

I called my grandma by a made up word after I had difficulty saying grandma as a toddler and that stuck for the rest of her life after my younger DSis also picked it up.

Nope.

My dm wanted to be called something completely random, I said no. They dont call her anything at all.

Just refer to her as Nanny. If she corrects you point out she is Nanny to <insert other dc's name >.. Look puzzled..

I’d do this too. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I can’t see why this would cause any issues.
My MIL wanted to be Nana but I just called her Nanny around my kids and now they call her Nanny too. Reasons are a bit outing but not dissimilar to you.

You should have asked her why, she might not have chosen to be Nanny. Then just said that it would be best to be called the same by all her grandchildren. If that doesn't sway her, then mention being triggered by having to say it.

I think you should talk to her. If nana was special to your mum and the grief is still raw, im sure she could be kind and respect your wishes x sorry for your loss and congratulations on your baby x

Both grandmothers are Granny here. Dhs step mum is granny as is my mum, dh never really knew his mum as she passed when he was young.
what would you have done if his mum had also been Nana? Refused to allow that name?

I just always ferried to my mil as ‘grandma X’ to my kids. It so happens that’s what I called my own mother too ‘grandma Y’. My mil never expresses a preference to what she was called but did sign her cards to them as gran I think.
If it’s that important just say so. Say it’s what your mum was always called and why not stick to nanny? Frankly your kid will call what they want, it may be grannie, nana, ganga whatever.

Where did she say she was trying to get over it? I don’t think the loss of her mum and the association with mum being called Nana is something she could get over

I think she would understand OP. I think you are are ok to ask. Sorry about your mum it must be hard with a newborn.

Perfect.

And say it in person, not over text.

If your Mil is close to you and cares for you (which it sounds like she does based on your good opinion of her) then absolutely tell her - she’s already used to nanny anyway.

Im so sorry for your loss I’m sure it’s extra hard now being a mum yourself and not seeing your mum be here anymore for your child, big hugs to you xx

Sorry, OP. Your grief about your mum is clouding your thinking. Imagine how your MIL would feel if you said to her 'This is what I want you to be called'. My DD called my MIL 'nannan'. I called my granny 'granny' and didn't much like 'nannan' but what was most important to me was that the two of them built a relationship.

I feel if my mum were still alive there wouldn’t be 2 nana’s and there would be a way to differentiate them?

I had three sets of grandparents (long story): two were Nanny and one was Grandma. All differentiated by surnames (Nanny Smith, Nanny Jones, Grandma Brown).

These days you'd probably use first names. That's what my brothers' children do with their two nannies: Nanny Liz and Nanny Joan.

Maybe she didn’t want to be called nanny, but was given that name by the parents. She should be able to choose.