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Original poster

Realistic expectations for 11 year old

68 replies

Thindle · 22/11/2025 14:59

Hello everyone. My DD is currently in Y6, I’m a single parent, with limited local family support. I’m trying to figure out exactly how our schedule will change when DD moves onto senior school next year.

Our preferred school is the local independent school, it’s not massively academically pushy and I think that’s the right environment for DD. It’s about 30 minutes walk away but DD could easily do it on bike in 10/15 minutes. The school day is 8.20-3.45 in Y7-Y9. I have to leave for work at 7.30 latest, right now DD goes to breakfast club. I am not normally home from work until 5.30 but occasionally this can be closer to 6. The school has after school sports clubs and a homework club which we have been told is very popular that run until 5pm. We have been told to expect about 5 hours a week of homework in Y7 and 8.
Assuming DD continues with the same hobbies she does now, she would have two training sessions before school in the week 6-7, I would drop her off at these then pick her up and take her home before I go to work. After school she would have 4 nights of activities in the winter, maybe 5 in the summer term only. Mostly 7-8.30 sort of times.

What I’m thinking right now is on a day where she doesn’t have training in the morning, she would get up around 7, shower, have breakfast, probably while I’m leaving for work, then she would be left to lock up and leave for school around 7:50depending on if she was walking or cycling.
In the evening she would stay for homework club or some sort of after school club most days, leave at 5 and be home around 5:15/5:30, so probably a little earlier than me on the average day but potentially up to an hour before me on a day where I’m not home straight away. I’d aim to make sure there was always a meal in the fridge she could put in the microwave if I happened to not be home by 5:45/6. Once I got home I’d either make dinner or if she’d already eaten take her to her hobbies.
On days with training in the morning, I’d wake her around 5:40, take her to training then we’d be home for 7:10 and she could shower/eat breakfast.

While I know the hobby schedule sounds intense, DD copes much better when she is being active and occupied, she gets lots of free time on the weekend and if we ever felt it was no longer working she would be able to drop them very easily.

My concern lies in DD being an August baby so she will be just turned 11 when she starts senior school and I’m not sure if it’s realistic to expect her to be able to finish breakfast, lock up and leave on time without support in the morning, or to come home, and potentially have dinner alone if I’m running late so she can still make it to her hobbies. I grew up with the a SAHM so never experienced this. She is generally sensible and I’d like to say she is mature for her age.

AIBU to think these are realistic expectations?

OP posts:
Kiwi09 · 22/11/2025 18:16

It sounds like your DD is organised enough to manage this. My DS has a similar morning routine in Y6.
I’d recommend a smartlock/electronic lock though rather than a key safe. That way there are no keys to worry about. They’re battery powered so easy to install.
A ring doorbell or similar is also a nice to have if you can. That way you can see her coming and going.
I’d also recommend a phone if she doesn’t have one already. These come in handy if plans change. Sometime DS will get an invite to a friend’s house after school and he can let me know where he is.

carbonelthecat · 22/11/2025 18:04

museumum · 22/11/2025 17:22

My ds just started secondary this year and I think based on his experience I’d have your dd leave the house with you at 7:30, locking up together and her walking to school to use the library from 8. I’d do this for 2-3 weeks until the routine settles then if she’s happy let her lock up herself and leave later. It took us a few weeks before ds was fully able to remember what he needed for his timetable each day and didn’t need reminding what he had after school each day. leaving together would really help with reassurance around that stuff.
after school I’d play by ear and see if she meets anyone she can walk with. My ds walks slowly as he chats with friends so he’s not back as early as he could be.

This - you may find she likes walking as well, especially if she finds out someone else walks the same way in her class. DD (now Y11) was very keen to cycle, but my experience has been that the days when she doesn't need bulky things like PE kits, instruments or art folders means she has barely cycled!

She may also find that if the school is open before 8 for early morning clubs, that she can get in to the grounds before 8 anyway, and by the time she's locked her bike up and sorted herself out it will almost be time to go in anyway.

Drillsky · 22/11/2025 17:58

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear but I do think that's a good idea from @Rainingcatsandmice . Or if you could tweak your hours a bit to have a couple of later finishes and a couple of earlier ones to break it up for her a bit.

We do have friends who used a CM for a year or so in Y7, just some nights to break it up, have a friendly ear if they have had a shitty day or whatever. DC would walk themselves to CM house. But all DC are different and you know yours best.

It was when the clocks changed in Oct that DD found it tougher. She got though the first few weeks on adrenaline and hard work I think.

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:50

Rainingcatsandmice · 22/11/2025 17:48

Are you able to save some annual leave to perhaps have one day a week at home? Would your work allow a sabbatical (a friend did this for 2 months to be around at the start of school)? My DS started Year 7 in September. It was a hard adjustment and he hated walking to and from school alone. He found it really intimidating. Now, a few months down the line, I can see things have settled down and he is in the routine. But he leaves the house at the same time as me in the mornings as I know he’d get distracted and not check the time!

I really don’t feel I can give up annual leave. I get 35 days but take 30 of those during school holidays as I feel having quality time with DD is paramount. She already spends a lot of holidays at camps or with grandparents. The other 5 I save for sick days, events, random situations.
I could ask about a sabbatical but I think it would be unlikely.

OP posts:
Rainingcatsandmice · 22/11/2025 17:48

Are you able to save some annual leave to perhaps have one day a week at home? Would your work allow a sabbatical (a friend did this for 2 months to be around at the start of school)? My DS started Year 7 in September. It was a hard adjustment and he hated walking to and from school alone. He found it really intimidating. Now, a few months down the line, I can see things have settled down and he is in the routine. But he leaves the house at the same time as me in the mornings as I know he’d get distracted and not check the time!

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:43

IncaAztec · 22/11/2025 17:27

Hello, I have an 11 year old DD who recently started high school. I just don't think she would manage all of this. A couple of days a week, yes but every day would be a battle. A lost PE kit or cookery lesson or similar quickly causes issues. Could you flex some hours or WFH if she needs support at any point before or after school. Need not be every week, just as and when...

Unfortunately no, I work in a lab so have to actually be present, no flexibility to work from home.
I think there are going to be some tough luck situations, I’ll remind her to take her PE kit, put it in her bag etc. but if she forgets it, she is just going to have to have to take the punishment. If she is unwell I will Ofcourse take the day off, come and pick her up. Bike puncture is a tricky one, I’d say if it’s on the way to school she would just have to call me, lock it up if there is spot near by to do so, otherwise walk it to school and be a bit late.
Even though my mum was a SAHM she would never have dropped in our PE kits if we forget them, it was very much seen as our responsibility to take them and our punishment if we didn’t.

OP posts:
sciaticafanatica · 22/11/2025 17:42

With a key safe
ring camera
smart speaker reminders
i think it would be no problem.
the camera would be more for you knowing she is home and seeing anyone uninvited that knocks .

Drillsky · 22/11/2025 17:38

Mine was at state school so it might be different but she found it much more intimidating coming out of after-school clubs by herself after dark, than with the majority in the light at 3pm. If she has friends she can walk with then by all means encourage homework club, but you might find others who stay are all getting picked up leaving just your daughter to walk home alone. In this case I would much rather she comes home with the crowd if that is her preference.

Suntots · 22/11/2025 17:30

Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:16

I’m hoping she will meet some local friends to cycle with, or at least meet on the route. We are at the very north of the town, but all the streets between us and the school are pretty quite and residential, she can avoid the town centre and busy area as it’s going north west of the town to south west rather than across town. Her prep school is small and I’ve spoken to lots of the parents, right now there is only one other child going to the same school, he travels from a different town though. Unfortunately most of the parents are opting for academically selective schools and when we spoke to her teachers at prep there was a unanimous agreement that while DD is academically capable (not top of the class, but very much on target for where she should be), she will thrive in a less competitive and more mixed ability environment.
I am worried she will be tired, but then I think we’d just have to drop hobbies even if she didn’t want to.
I could maybe see about getting our door/locks changed to the type that lock when you close it so she doesn’t have to worry about actually locking the door. Then I can just make sure there is a key in the key safe for when she gets home.
I have thought maybe we should move closer to my parents but I haven’t found any jobs that would suit and I’m quite attached to not leaving the family home. DD also has lots of friends from hobbies around here and we are in a good area where we are close to a big city while still being in a nice town that doesn’t feel too transient.

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I think moving is a very long term solution to a short term problem and I think the uphheaval would probably be much harder on your daughter than having to be a bit more independent than ideal for a while. It’s a bit like when you start a new job or the kid starts reception, it’s exhausting just because it’s new. Even now I can see my DC is more capable and independent than they were in September. I think you just need to be as prepared as you can, gradually give her more responsibility for herself over the rest of year six and be prepared for the obvious “emergencies” - what to do if there’s a bike puncture, she’s not well, she’s forgotten her PE kit….

IncaAztec · 22/11/2025 17:27

Hello, I have an 11 year old DD who recently started high school. I just don't think she would manage all of this. A couple of days a week, yes but every day would be a battle. A lost PE kit or cookery lesson or similar quickly causes issues. Could you flex some hours or WFH if she needs support at any point before or after school. Need not be every week, just as and when...

museumum · 22/11/2025 17:22

My ds just started secondary this year and I think based on his experience I’d have your dd leave the house with you at 7:30, locking up together and her walking to school to use the library from 8. I’d do this for 2-3 weeks until the routine settles then if she’s happy let her lock up herself and leave later. It took us a few weeks before ds was fully able to remember what he needed for his timetable each day and didn’t need reminding what he had after school each day. leaving together would really help with reassurance around that stuff.
after school I’d play by ear and see if she meets anyone she can walk with. My ds walks slowly as he chats with friends so he’s not back as early as he could be.

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:16

Suntots · 22/11/2025 17:08

One of mine just started year 7. I think it depends on your child - mine was absolutely exhausted, mentally and physically, for the first few weeks (as were all their peers) and would’ve been totally overwhelmed if they’d had to make their own meals and lock up too. They needed someone to talk to when they got home initially and to help them problem solve - though far less now than at the start. They don’t remember to lock the bike shed half the time, I wouldn’t trust them to lock the house up. They do cycle themselves and they manage that well, but it took a number of practice goes, first with an adult and then with their friends, before they’d go alone.

But it’s child specific - my other child would probably be ok with what you describe. And to a large extent it doesn’t matter - if your job means that’s what your daughter has to do then that’s what she has to do. It doesn’t sound like you have other options. I do think you need to start preparing her now though. Will she have friends to cycle with?

I’m hoping she will meet some local friends to cycle with, or at least meet on the route. We are at the very north of the town, but all the streets between us and the school are pretty quite and residential, she can avoid the town centre and busy area as it’s going north west of the town to south west rather than across town. Her prep school is small and I’ve spoken to lots of the parents, right now there is only one other child going to the same school, he travels from a different town though. Unfortunately most of the parents are opting for academically selective schools and when we spoke to her teachers at prep there was a unanimous agreement that while DD is academically capable (not top of the class, but very much on target for where she should be), she will thrive in a less competitive and more mixed ability environment.
I am worried she will be tired, but then I think we’d just have to drop hobbies even if she didn’t want to.
I could maybe see about getting our door/locks changed to the type that lock when you close it so she doesn’t have to worry about actually locking the door. Then I can just make sure there is a key in the key safe for when she gets home.
I have thought maybe we should move closer to my parents but I haven’t found any jobs that would suit and I’m quite attached to not leaving the family home. DD also has lots of friends from hobbies around here and we are in a good area where we are close to a big city while still being in a nice town that doesn’t feel too transient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:08

TartanMammy · 22/11/2025 17:04

I'm sorry about your DH and your circumstances, I'm not saying you dd won't manage just that it's not ideal. I have 11yr old DS and I know he'd be very unhappy if this was his regular routine. But children are different and this might suit your dad.

What about an au pair or some kind of help, like a local uni student who could be around in the mornings and/or a few evenings a week for company and to cook a meal. They might even be able to help with some of the transport to activities which would take the pressure off you a bit. It also wouldn't be forever, maybe only 12-18 months I think what your suggesting is absolutely fine for teenagers.

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Hm I’m not sure it would be worth it? Before school she will only be home for maybe 20-30 minutes alone, and roughly the same in the evening if she goes to clubs/homework club? I think she would feel quite babied if I got someone to “look after her”.

OP posts:
Suntots · 22/11/2025 17:08

One of mine just started year 7. I think it depends on your child - mine was absolutely exhausted, mentally and physically, for the first few weeks (as were all their peers) and would’ve been totally overwhelmed if they’d had to make their own meals and lock up too. They needed someone to talk to when they got home initially and to help them problem solve - though far less now than at the start. They don’t remember to lock the bike shed half the time, I wouldn’t trust them to lock the house up. They do cycle themselves and they manage that well, but it took a number of practice goes, first with an adult and then with their friends, before they’d go alone.

But it’s child specific - my other child would probably be ok with what you describe. And to a large extent it doesn’t matter - if your job means that’s what your daughter has to do then that’s what she has to do. It doesn’t sound like you have other options. I do think you need to start preparing her now though. Will she have friends to cycle with?

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 17:06

sparrowhawkhere · 22/11/2025 17:01

I think it’s doable but the thing I’ve found with my year 7 child is when they have a bad day or just want company. It’s a lot of evenings of being on their own.

Sorry I just read your update. I’d have packed lunches or something simple ready. Ways to make her life easier e.g. generous amount on her school lunch account if affordable so she can have a hot meal at school of snacks if she wants them. A decent backpack to transport books. A check in with her That she has everything before she leaves.

Edited

Yes that is a worry. DD absolutely adores her hobbies currently she has hobbies 4 nights a week and 1 on a Saturday morning so she is seldom ever alone. My biggest concern is more the independence. She already gets home from after school club around 5:30/6 then we have an hour for dinner, before she’s out to a club, but I am picking her up and dropping her off. She is already quite independent, she has done a lot of sleep away camps, it’s very confident and street smart but it feels different when there are very adult responsibilities like getting to school in the dark, locking up, potentially making something for dinner, either a pre-made meal from the fridge or making herself something like beans on toast. It won’t be every night I am back late, it averages about once a week that I’m back closer to 6, 5:30 is definitely the average so she wouldn’t be alone much on those nights.

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 22/11/2025 17:04

Thindle · 22/11/2025 16:59

I’m just not sure what the alternative is? I can’t start late or work from home, it’s not an option in my line of work. Obviously in an ideal world things would be very different.
My DH passed away when DD was 4, I took several years out of work to be there and be present support her through her grief and then did part time for a while but it’s now at the stage with her wanting so many hobbies, needing to save should she want to go to university, ensuring my pension will be enough to support me so DD never has to worry about it etc. that I have to be working full time.

Im open to hearing other ideas though as obviously I really don’t want this either and I know it’s far from ideal.

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I'm sorry about your DH and your circumstances, I'm not saying you dd won't manage just that it's not ideal. I have 11yr old DS and I know he'd be very unhappy if this was his regular routine. But children are different and this might suit your dad.

What about an au pair or some kind of help, like a local uni student who could be around in the mornings and/or a few evenings a week for company and to cook a meal. They might even be able to help with some of the transport to activities which would take the pressure off you a bit. It also wouldn't be forever, maybe only 12-18 months I think what your suggesting is absolutely fine for teenagers.

sparrowhawkhere · 22/11/2025 17:01

I think it’s doable but the thing I’ve found with my year 7 child is when they have a bad day or just want company. It’s a lot of evenings of being on their own.

Sorry I just read your update. I’d have packed lunches or something simple ready. Ways to make her life easier e.g. generous amount on her school lunch account if affordable so she can have a hot meal at school of snacks if she wants them. A decent backpack to transport books. A check in with her That she has everything before she leaves.

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 16:59

TartanMammy · 22/11/2025 16:54

I think it's a bit much to expect an 11yr old to lock up and get herself out to school. I'm sure she's capable it just seems a bit sad and lonely and a lot to expect of her. Would she know what to do if everything didn't go to plan? Or she was unwell for example.

An hour or so in the evening seems different as it's just a snack and some TV until you get home. I do think expecting her to heat and eat dinner on her own is a bit lonely for a 11yr old too.

I’m just not sure what the alternative is? I can’t start late or work from home, it’s not an option in my line of work. Obviously in an ideal world things would be very different.
My DH passed away when DD was 4, I took several years out of work to be there and be present support her through her grief and then did part time for a while but it’s now at the stage with her wanting so many hobbies, needing to save should she want to go to university, ensuring my pension will be enough to support me so DD never has to worry about it etc. that I have to be working full time.

Im open to hearing other ideas though as obviously I really don’t want this either and I know it’s far from ideal.

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 22/11/2025 16:54

I think it's a bit much to expect an 11yr old to lock up and get herself out to school. I'm sure she's capable it just seems a bit sad and lonely and a lot to expect of her. Would she know what to do if everything didn't go to plan? Or she was unwell for example.

An hour or so in the evening seems different as it's just a snack and some TV until you get home. I do think expecting her to heat and eat dinner on her own is a bit lonely for a 11yr old too.

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 16:33

NewCushions · 22/11/2025 15:42

The answer might be to explore lift clubs with other parents, although i appreciate that's tricky as you might struggle to reciprocate - perhaps you can find other ways eg by taking children to activities or similar?

My nephews go to a school in the village over from theirs and my sister and two neighbours have a good system going with lifts for certain days.

Another option that quite a few parents I know with the longer commute do to manage this is occassional use of taxis. So if the weather is truly awful, for example, DD is allowed to order a taxi home or similar?

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Maybe be something we have to look at more once DD has started secondary, she might find some local friends at the school who we can organise something with. I could help with hobby runs but the group sports she does are all in our town so maybe less likely to need help dropping kids off, the sports which are further away she tends to do as privates. Maybe in the summer with athletics though, as it’s a town away and quite popular.

OP posts:
NewCushions · 22/11/2025 15:42

Thindle · 22/11/2025 15:25

We don’t really have a closer school unfortunately, for some reason all the schools in our town, both state and private are in the south of the town, we are more northern. I imagine there will be quite a lot of kids out walking to school in the same direction though? Her prep school is quite small, only 16 kids in her year and I only know of one other child going to the same senior school, a lot of the parents are aiming for private or academically selective schools, which we decided would be an awful fit for DD. We have applied for the state school both in our town and the next town over just in case we change our mind but they don’t really change the routine at all.

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The answer might be to explore lift clubs with other parents, although i appreciate that's tricky as you might struggle to reciprocate - perhaps you can find other ways eg by taking children to activities or similar?

My nephews go to a school in the village over from theirs and my sister and two neighbours have a good system going with lifts for certain days.

Another option that quite a few parents I know with the longer commute do to manage this is occassional use of taxis. So if the weather is truly awful, for example, DD is allowed to order a taxi home or similar?

BreakfastClubBlues · 22/11/2025 15:39

Thindle · 22/11/2025 15:30

Does he walk/cycle to school while it’s still dark? How does he find that? I think that’s what makes me the most nervous with DD! I could definitely pull her out of breakfast club/late care at after school club so she is coming home and going to school on her own some days but it makes me so nervous! I’m not generally over-protective, DD has been going to sleep away camps and flying as an unaccompanied minor since she was 7 and that has never made me as nervous as this does!

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He does occasionally, if he has a club after school, but I mostly try and collect.

He will have to in secondary school though.

I've actually been impressed with how capable DS is at getting himself sorted in the mornings (he even feeds the dog and turns the dishwasher on before he leaves!) he can make basic meals for himself too.

It's been great to see how proud he's been of himself with his new found independence. And coming home to find him all dressed for his club, eating beans on toast he's prepared himself makes me feel both proud and a bit crap all at once!

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 15:30

BreakfastClubBlues · 22/11/2025 15:25

I have a yr6 child and he does this already, not every day, but most days.

It's fine, but I always feel a bit guilty about it.

Does he walk/cycle to school while it’s still dark? How does he find that? I think that’s what makes me the most nervous with DD! I could definitely pull her out of breakfast club/late care at after school club so she is coming home and going to school on her own some days but it makes me so nervous! I’m not generally over-protective, DD has been going to sleep away camps and flying as an unaccompanied minor since she was 7 and that has never made me as nervous as this does!

OP posts:
BreakfastClubBlues · 22/11/2025 15:25

I have a yr6 child and he does this already, not every day, but most days.

It's fine, but I always feel a bit guilty about it.

Original poster
Thindle · 22/11/2025 15:25

NewCushions · 22/11/2025 15:20

Based on my experience, the bigger issue would be the mornings, but you'd be there to make sure she actually gets up so that's something!

In the evenings, substantial snack or pre-made meal is definitely the answer, especially if she wants to eat before her activities. DS often prefers to eat after - so he'll have a fairly substantial "snack" at around 5 (things like crumbed chicken breasts/ fish fingers in the air fryer on a roll/wrap, scrambled eggs etc), but then have dinner at 8ish or so when he gets home.

The other issue when she first starts out is the relatively long walk/cycle if the weather is bad. Our commute is so painless that we don't have this problem but it was a factor when considering schools and choosing between the closer one and the further away one. We realised that she was more than able to get to and from school, but that when the weather is really bad it would probably be really challenging, particlarly in year 7 or even year 8, and DH and I wouldn't be able to come and collect her most days. And interestingly, for DS, he walks home now no matter what but in year 7 in the winter we definitely went to collect him if he got home from say an away match or whatever - he just didn't feel happy walking home in the dark/cold/wet then whereas now he just sort of gets on with it. I think it will be the same for DD when she starts.

We don’t really have a closer school unfortunately, for some reason all the schools in our town, both state and private are in the south of the town, we are more northern. I imagine there will be quite a lot of kids out walking to school in the same direction though? Her prep school is quite small, only 16 kids in her year and I only know of one other child going to the same senior school, a lot of the parents are aiming for private or academically selective schools, which we decided would be an awful fit for DD. We have applied for the state school both in our town and the next town over just in case we change our mind but they don’t really change the routine at all.

OP posts: