That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

At 20 she's lucky she's getting support at all especially with him being in uni. It normally stops at 18 well my ex stopped paying for his son at 18. (Was told by his mum in expecting the same with my girls)... But if they had an agreement and she's getting a lump sum, she should of prepared. Also at 20 he's old enough to get his own place or get a job and help towards bills

And? Get a job like millions of other uni students🙄

When my kids went to uni their father supported them directly (and they had part-time jobs). Maintenance to me stopped when they left school.

MellowPinkDeer

I’m married with 4 kids and work full time so no, but if I got into difficulty I don’t know- it just all seems very ‘you’re done now’- I don’t know that they should have helped her so much in the first place to then pull it all back

She is a fully grown adult. She’s had YEARS to prepare. She’s just a lazy scrounger!! Seriously. Do you also think it is someone else’s responsibility to pay for your life?!?!

OP has said:

'He lived 50/50 between here and his mum, he gets an allowance from us and then it was agreed we’d still support them financially to avoid disruption during uni. She asked for the extra money to pay a large business debt, we obviously were sceptical but so much pressure and manipulation was heaped onto DH that we paid her a lump sum.'

As the custody arrangement were 50/50, the impact of having to find childcare would have been felt equally by both parents.

I’d pay for six months until the dss finishes uni if she’s supporting him at all. Because otherwise you run the risk of her stopping supporting him and he suffers.

There’s something so cold about this thread, I honestly can’t put my finger on it but the general ‘she’s had enough now’ from a team of two just makes me feel sad. I hate that in life everyone must be perfect with money or ‘they’ll never learn’, hard not to guess there’s a cliche in this story somehow

True but that isn't the case here as the arrangement was 50/50 prior to Uni and the OP has said that the DSS can live with them full time.
The mother has had plenty of time to get herself into a position where she can pay her own rent without demanding more and more support from her ex husband and his new wife. They've already bailed her out in the past. She will just keep going if they continue to do so.

Actually op can you tell us how long the arrangement has been 50/50?

She needed money to pay a “business debt”?

What does that have to do with her son or your DH, it’s totally unrelated?

It sounds as if your DH has already been very generous, it’s up to him if he wants to bail her out again but don’t be surprised if she comes back asking for more in the future.

Mum wasn't the 'resident' parent, it was 50/50 shared care. In case anyone missed that.

They are. They are still more than likely paying more money and making more sacrifices than those who are non-resident parents.

Millions of single parents are in FT employment and earning a good living.

No I agree with this. The impact of splitting with a partner and being primary parent completely impacts you. Being the partner who leaves and doesn't have to worry about childcare the majority of the time gives a lot of freedom financially.

So even though DH has been paying maintenance, he's also been much more able to hold down a job, work overtime, consistently save etc etc. I'm not saying the mum shouldn't have been making plans, but to suggest that paying maintenance equates to an equal impact is wrong

So you support dss, he can live where he chooses, hopefully he’ll be earning soon as you mention a deferred job. No more money should be going to his mum.

YANBU.

It sounds like your husband has supported his first wife enough, to his credit. Yes he absolutely should continue to support his child through uni / provide a home for him until he moves out. But his ex wife’s finances are not his problem. She needs to consider options for working more hours or bringing in a higher income. Her child is an adult now and she is no longer restricted by childcare hours.

If your husband feels an iota of guilt he could propose paying for another 6 months but a gradual reduction each month, so if for example if he was paying £300 now he could pay £250 in January, £200 in February and so on until it goes down to nothing. Then the mum cannot argue it was a sudden drop. But you don’t have to do this. And you really have no reason to communicate with her now.

FWIW so you can understand where I’m coming from , I’m a single mum / “first wife”. When my marriage ended I got a better job with more hours and that was when my youngest child was in reception, AND I have the majority care of my children. I’m afraid hard choices have to be made in divorce and usually the same lifestyle cannot be maintained.

What? The average monthly mortgage payment is £1253. She would only need to work a total of 25 hrs a week at NMW to fully pay that, and that's assuming she has an average sized home and no other income. As a single person with an adult child, she doesn't need an average sized home and could downsize to somewhere cheaper.

I love how people project their own insecurities on other people. Interesting assertion considering you know absolutely nothing yourself about what OP does or doesn’t know. Don’t assume everyone else has made such poor choices just because you have.

She does sound like a bit of a piss taker to be honest. I wouldn’t be giving her any money. She’s clearly taking advantage and grifting her way through life.

If it’s rented accommodation then I can’t see how 6-12months extra support is going to save her from losing the place. Her child is 20 so she should have already been making plans for increasing earnings or living in a place she can afford without CM. If you do help you’ll likely find she’ll be asking for it to continue on for even longer.

He sounds lovely, as do you.

He didn't help his own son while he was studying full time? While clearly in a position to do so? (And he was, instead of child support, he could have given his son a top up on his student loans, etc)

What an arsehole.

I would be inclined to extend payments for 6 months as a gesture of good will so the lad doesn’t have the stress while completing his degree. Maybe not fair on you but his wellbeing has to be the priority.

Well isn't your husband a prize?

Not supporting an ex spouse once the children are 18 is completely legitimate, but regardless of legality only an absolutely shitty parent washes their hands of supporting their child when they go to university at 18.