That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

The "child" is 20 and I imagine she isn't doing much in the way of parenting at this point. I don't think they should be funding the ex wife at this point when the child in question is actually an adult. They have been more than generous to be sending payments to the mother of a 20 year old.

Nope you are correct. It’s not your problem and it’s cheeky of her to think it is.

Op says dss lived 50/50 with both parents.

They also gave mum a large lump sum when she needed it, that wasn't part of the original agreement. Thats very generous .

surely you DH is paying maintenance for his Son not for his ex wife.
if he keeps paying she’ll bleed him dry.

I foresee this problem coming for us, my DH pays a far wedge of cm, which pays ex wife’s mortgage basically, she has made no (not that we’re aware of) plans for when this stops in the next 12 months. Dsd is welcome to come and live with us and she has a bedroom here and always will, but we will not be paying her mortgage when we don’t have to! And before anyone comes for me, I have a son whose dad has never paid a penny in cm, because every time I’ve been after him, he’s quit his job! I was a single parent for 4 yrs until me & DH got together, so I know both sides of the coin

@Sometimeswinning Thing is, the Dad has already given her money to pay off “a large business debt.” What does that have to do with paying for their son?

It sounds as if she has financial problems completely unrelated to their child and perhaps needs to downsize to a smaller property.

No he was paying for his child through university. I didn’t say it needed to continue. I just think using the word generous was strange. It was all agreed and was to finish December this year.

The dad does pay for his kid 50% of the time when he stays with him.

Why should he be expected to also pay for his ex wife?

By your way of thinking, she should also pay for the man who parents his child? Then they would just be paying each other?

Can ds not get a job to contribute if they dont now

Why is it generous to pay for your child and the woman who parents them? I must thank dh for his contribution and for not leaving!

Maybe ask what is going to change with her financial situation in 6 to 12 months time. Because if the answer is nothing then you could be paying forever.

No I don’t think you should pay anymore, she’s in rented accommodation so she should get some help with rent if she’s on that low an income?
My ex left me paying our joint mortgage 9 years ago, only ever paid minimum child maintenance and I work part time to fit in around my disabled daughters needs.
Now my daughter is not in education I get virtually nothing from universal credit and my daughter only gets a fraction of what I’ve lost.
Your husband’s ex has been lucky to get so much support for so long.

This sounds very fair

What’s DSS? Other than a government department?

She is an adult and that the maintenance was due to end is not a surprise - its been on the cards for years. So yes its on her. However for the sake of the son you could maybe take a graduated approach and say you would pay half the maintenance for a further 3 months so aid her transitioning and that gives her time to make arrangements for moving out or sorting something else out. Its not directly about her but about supporting your DSS who will be impacted by this

Providing his Dad is offering him a home with him he's doing his nit. He should have paid DS's directly instead of giving the money to his ex. She is an adult and will have to pay her own way or deal with the consequences.

Stress caused by, his mother and her lack of planning.

Come on op, stop being a pair of doormats.

You are not this woman's cash cow

She’s known about this for how many years? If you can afford it I’d pay for the next 6 months so not to disrupt your dss, but once he’s off travelling I’d withdraw any further financial assistance. The trouble is she’ll do what she can to continue to receive financial assistance from your DH so don’t be surprised if she tries to pulp emotional manipulation in 6 months time

Originally I was about to say yanbu but then I realised I'm missing context.

Is DSS mum paying for his uni and everything goes with it all on her own? If so, I absolutely think DH should be contributing to that. I mean, truly, DSS should be primarily supporting himself at this age but let's face it in today's economy a 20 year old would struggle to support himself through uni with parents help.

I totally agree about the stress it would cause DSS to know his mother will lose her home.

This. Your DH's son will hate his father if his mother loses her house. No, it's not fair. Yes, she should have planned for this. But that's life. Your DH can be happy or he can be right. It is what it is.

Tbh he sounds a bit like a walkover ( the now husband ) . I wouldn’t have married a man like this! To guilt them into it now is so unreasonable. I hope the @heavenknowcomes back and realises it’s ok to say no!

It sounds like they were guilted and manipulated into the extra help.

I don't think its unreasonable to now pull back...whats the alternative? Forever be bank rolling her? There does come a time when an adult, who is not your dependent has to take responsibility for their own finances and the consequences that come with that.

Op and her husband have responsibility for the son, and have already said they will continue to support him. I think thats enough

hell would literally freeze over before I would be desperate enough to rely on my ex. The women has no self respect and no shame.