That DSS’s mum losing her house isn’t our problem.

I would say that unless you are contributing towards payments to her, that you should leave it with your DH and his ex. If he is making payments from his own wages, and him extending the time he pays doesn’t impact your living standards, then it really is something he needs to discuss with her.

I think this is horrible - if the parents’ were still together, the child wouldn’t have to support their mother most likely. Would dad expect the kid to financially contribute to the household if the parents’ were still together??? If the answer to that is yes, dad should still pay some maintenance.

if the bio-mum is foisting her worries onto her kids instead of dealing with them privately, she's quite reprehensible. It's horrible when people use their children as sounding boards or dump their problems onto them. Don't reward that.

We had this and there was no end in sight. It was just many, many years of poor money management.

We completely support DS financially through Uni and he hasn’t had a penny from his mother. Despite this and having had many years to prepare, she asked for maintenance to continue.

We’ve told DS it’s up to him to agree any contribution to food etc with her when he stays with her. But it’s pretty shameless, given that’s her only contribution to him for the last three years.

@museumum - but if the OP’s husband is supporting his own child, he will be paying for all his child’s expenses whilst in further education. His son need not return to his mother’s home in his final year, he can always stay in uni accommodation or (hopefully) go to his father’s home when he wants to, as long as his father is supporting him fully. I think the mother is taking the piss. The maintenance is not for her, it is for her child, who is now an adult, and she should have sorted herself out and seen this coming long ago.

All those saying he’s 20 so should support himself / contribute to his DMs home - have you any idea about university? He will be studying full time and can have a pt job but likely minimum wage. If he’s lucky that will pay his living expenses in term time but if he’s in halls he might have to leave in the holidays. His dm will need to keep a room for him to come home to even if he doesn’t use it term time. Hes about to go into his finals. Hardest six months of study and exams. If he increases his pt work hours now he risks his final degree result.
personally I found the three months between finishing uni and starting work the hardest financially of my life - working 2-3 part time jobs plus applying and interviewing for graduate posts, with all the uncertainty of where I was living and possibly moving city for each graduate post I tried for.

I have three adult dds. The eldest and youngest have always been good friends with each other and with her dad and me. The middle one, happily married with 3 grown-up DCs, all doing very well, has always been “difficult”, even as a small child. When her younger sister was born she announced, at the age of 8, that she had “middle child syndrome “. She was much more academic than her elder sister, who is very laid back and practical. She has always said catty things about her older sister and denigrates her nephews and niece, all of whom have great careers and happy lives with girlfriends and boyfriend. She’s even influenced her oldest son (adult) to copy her scathing, sarcastic attitude to his cousins and his older aunt. She’s upset my youngest dd many times by her unfeeling remarks. If I challenge her in any way, it ends in a furious row. Her dh always takes her part and has said unforgivable things to my youngest dd. She does visit us weekly (she lives very near us) for about an hour each time and sometimes brings expensive flowers which are lovely but I’d rather she brought nothing and I didn’t feel I’m always walking on eggshells with her.

His DM asking for lump sins has put them in precarious situ. She needs to dig them out.

I'd tell her that and see what happens.

I would probably step in if I could afford it to prevent them losing the roof over tgeur heads but it would be a loan properly drawn up etc.

This. Ex is not responsible for providing the bio mother with a place to live. The "child" has been an adult for years.

'Bio mother'?! so, the mother then.
Some weird views on here that the father should not support his own offspring through uni if he can afford it, but that should fall on the mother

It may be that, given the cost of living, she's finding it hard to run her household with two mouths to feed and the cost of bills these days. Thats the case for many people whether they own a business or are employed! its not like employed=rich. A lot of people seem out of touch.

OP (who's not returning to the thread) I hope your DH recognises and acknowledges it if the mother of his child has done more than her fair share of parenting and everything that involves.

Not Uni, that’s not counted.

Shouldn’t the maintenance money have been going directly to your DSS for the past 2 years since he went to university? Why is his mother getting anything paid towards her home still? I’m sorry for being stupid about this, but I genuinely don’t understand.

Seriously, she is a pathetic freeloader and she’s had years to get her shit together.

We have bailed out the the kids mum a few times now, I actually gave her my old car and we have paid for her dogs vets fees and various other unexpected expenses. The kids are all adults now, but my DH and I agree that if the kids are worrying about their mum, then it affects them and therefore if we can help we will. If you are an in a position to help, and it effects your husbands son, then as frustrating as it is, I would help her (BUT, wish a firm end date!)

She has had years to plan for this, and i’d wonder what would change after 6 months. I’d ask, as if there was genuinely something that would be changing meaning she could keep the house, i’d consider it for 6 months max. Likelihood, she is delaying the inevitable. If she said she is downsizing as she cannot her house without maintenance and needed help until it was sold, then maybe. But unless she had a health issue or young DC, i’d expect her to get a second job. I’d ask to meet her to talk it through, him and her.

Yes I think it’s worth the OP clarifying exactly when the maintenance has ended.

You could be right - you could read the OP as the last lump sum is December which pays till the end of uni, but I didn’t interpret it that way because otherwise why would the OP mention DSS having 6 months of uni still.

Even if Dec is the funding cut off, as you suggest they could pay DSS rather than mum as an option with the expectation he pays board when he is there.

To be honest there’s still a lot of info that might influence this choice that we don’t know.

But broadly speaking my view is that maintenance should last until end of undergrad (so not postgrad studies) uni, paid to mum or to the child to reflect the fact they haven’t technically left home yet.

I keep reading this.. has he??
We don't know if he is contributing to anything for the son, other than this maintenance, or how much the 'generous' amount is. The fact that op hasn't been back suggests to me that he has probably used paying maintenance as a get out of supporting his son in any other way.
It would have been far better for everyone if he had contributed a fair percentage of his sons costs and allowed his son to be responsible for paying his mum rent etc. We also don't even know if the son is away at uni or living with his mother.
Too many unanswered questions to actually give a real response.

Also, why wasn't the maintenance paid directly to his son (when he turned 18) rather than the mother?

Your husband has been incredibly generous to keep paying child maintenance given that his son has reached the age of 20! Surely his ex can see this. Child maintenance shouldn't be relied on for paying her mortgage off. What was her plan for when maintenance stopped?

This. Ex is not responsible for providing the bio mother with a place to live. The "child" has been an adult for years.

If the woman has been indulging herself by running a "business" that is inadequate to support her, she needs to do as the rest of us do and get out and get a job.

If the current house or flat has to be sold because she cannot afford the mortgage, so be it. I hope ex is getting his share of the proceeds of any house sale, since he's been supporting the mortgage.

Yea up to 20 if they have to keep resitting level 3 qualifications

With Their dad?

Nope. Higher education counts ( college courses until 19) , further education ( uni) does not.

And where will they be living in the 22 weeks of holiday? And who is signing as guarantor for their student flat?

I would say the opposite, assuming the RP is female...as evidenced on this thread, the trend seems to be that the NRP has no obligation to continue to support but it's very very common now for children, albeit past 18-20 to still be living at home and at least somewhat dependant. Assuming that home is with the mother, why should that burden fall entirely on them simply? By all means pay it direct to the child who then can pay mum rent OR have the child live with the father but surely the scenario closest to reality and fairness is to recognise the RP is likely still bearing a significant financial cost for their joint child, plus quite likely still doing a lot of the practical and emotional heavy lifting of parenthood.

People always ask when should it end? Forever? What if the child is living at home at 30? I don't think it should be age based but circumstances based. In 2025 it is very hard to be independent before early twenties. It doesn't matter what posters did a generation ago, or if their child took a particular career route like teaching and maybe has their own flat / share at 22. For many on entry level jobs that won't be possible. Whilst a child still requires support, that should not fall on only one parent.

Yanbu. She has known for YEARS that this time would come and should have been more proactive. It's not realistic to continue working for yourself if you can't pay the bills without relying on an ex for money. What steps has she taken to be financially independent?