To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

That's very presumptuous and judgmental! The friend might have a single parent who has to work long hours! "palming off" your child with your family is infinitely preferable to paying for child care if it's an option.
I say this as a single parent who has no choice but to work stupid hours and who had no option to leave my child with family and paid a child minder. Whose son abused several of the children there, including mine, and is now in prison.
So yeah. Parenting includes many things, including paying for the roof over your children's heads and the clothes on their backs.

yes 100% but 7 seems quite young to chuck traditions out of the window and the neighbours kid sounds like she's always round 🤷‍♀️

Saying that Christmas is (first and foremost) about Children isn't the same thing as saying adults without children can't enjoy Xmas.

The OP is being a bit selfish - in my personal opinion - and is putting her own desire ahead of what her daughter wants. Her DH also doesn't mind the friend coming which suggests that he is a bit more flexible / conscious of the daughter's needs. Her daughter could look back on this Xmas as the one her mother wouldn't let her friend come over.

I can see why you'd want it to just be family. But to me personally I think christmas is for children and I'd do what makes her happy, as long as its not the friend being pushy.

I would feel the same OP!
tree decorating is a special thing and not really an activity to do with friends.
explain to your daughter you’d like it just be a family day and she can see her friend the next day (maybe organise a Christmas craft for them if you’re up for it but don’t feel pressured to replace saying no to the tree with something else)

I understand Christmas is about children but if this is one thing you’d would enjoy doing with your daughter as 1on1 time then don’t be afraid to say no. You’re allowed to have the Christmas you’d like too. You aren’t being unreasonable.

Christmas trees are for kids, so I would let the kids do it the way they want. Bit weird to insist on wanting to do it your way as a grown up, family tradition or not.

However, playing at 7:30 on a weekend - absolutely not! Unless they want to go to the friend's house of course.

Your house, your call OP. I don't see decorating a Christmas tree as any big deal but each to their own. Is it really about this tradition though? If dd had asked if a friend from school could come would that be different? It sounds like you are just finding the situation with this girl difficult which is perfectly understandable. Do you actually like this girl? Or is there something about her that just doesn't click with you? If so, maybe you need to really cut down on contact.

Ask your daughter what she wants and go with that. An only child can be lonely and she might want to share the day with another child. I would be like you but it’s really about what your daughter would enjoy more

No it's a family tradition

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, and I love it 😂

I suspect the people with that view are the passengers in the family. Fun and "magic" just seem to "happen". SOMEONE is putting a LOT of thought and effort into planning it, just not them, so they think it's happening organically 😂

That's fair, BUT it has to be considered in the wider context. This other kid is making a nuisance of herself, and the DD didn't think to say "I'll ask mum" when her friend basically invited herself along to something. It's OK to have boundaries; that doesn't make a person "rigid". OP has been far from rigid when it comes to this kid, she's actually been accommodating to a fault.

If it was me, I'd have been happy to accommodate the friend and be flexible about my little traditions or whatever, IF the kid wasn't already round my house all the time, and IF dd had asked first.

It's not actually very kind to let children be a nuisance, because they usually don't know they're being a PITA. They'll keep doing it, and think it's normal, unless they're corrected. Getting some boundaries in place will mean OP is happier, and neighbour kid is less likely to grow up a socially inept goblin.

Nothing wrong with wanting one evening just for family. I cannot believe how much this has derailed into OP being a nasty and controlling mum with hardened traditions and that OP should cater to the grandmother’s whims. OP, YANBU.

I’d say no, but they can do some craft things the day after. Say you’re having a family day on that day. I’d also tell your dd she needs to ask you before inviting anyone else going forward.

This girl is clearly just seeking out wholesome family Christmas fun and maybe arrange a separate craft to do another time and have a discreet word with her mum that this is a bit of a family tradition. A 7 year old won’t understand yet what that means so is crossing boundaries with no understanding of them. I feel for her.

@DangerousAlchemy but with an only you also have to be careful that the family unit of 3 doesn't become all encompassing especially with 'traditions' as that can put a lot of pressure on the child

She was told she should come by a 7 year old.

It doesn't sound like this girl understands or has boundaries enforced (her grandma seems happy for her to use her phone to call the neighbour at 7.30am and spend most weekends there without checking). I don't think it'd do any harm for this girl to be told no on this occasion - and perhaps it might send a message to the girls caregivers that she's monopolising too much of their family time.

Apparently it is to some people.

Maybe you're doing hot chocolate wrong 😂

I didnt grow up in a child centered world and consider it a good thing that they be given boundaries. I would be having a word with the neighbour about the early calls and telling them its not convenient. Chidren need to learn that the world was not created for them alone and that they will have to deal with disappointment sometimes.

I think that the people who need to see menus and faint at the prospect of whatever and hate people and won't host overnight.... are not labelled precious or overbearing, but the mother who just wants to do a Christmas tradition with her daughter without having to babysit someone else's child is.

Maybe I read it wrong.

Poor girl. She’s been told yes, she can. Lots of children aren’t allowed to decorate a tree, she might be one of them. It’s lovely that you do it with your children but it wouldn’t hurt to let her join in once. She obviously loves spending time at your house.

Not really my 6 year old would trade us for a day with a friend any day 🤣 that’s what’s important at that age, toys, friends, simple things. Not worrying about family traditions that their mum is getting upset over because their 7 year old friend wants to join and she doesn’t want them to..

The DD is 7, not 11 & at this age family is still massively important to kids (or should be)! She doesn't need to see a friend every day from 7.30 am onwards. The parents of this other girl seem.like CF to me - palming their DD off on a neighbour to avoid parenting her themselves 🤷‍♀️ this is a special family event. I wouldn't want another kid over on such a lovely day either. Plus OP needs to make sure her DD understands that just because she is an only child doesn't mean she always calls the shots in the family. She'll be a nightmare tween/teen if she always gets her way over absolutely everything.

People seem to have decided off their own bat that the girl is somehow neglected simply because she has no boundaries set by her grandparent. Those two things don't necessarily align.

Completely agree, @cloudtreecarpet . As I said upthread, the impression I got was that the other child had asked if she could come, not that the OP’s DD had invited her and been begging for her to join in. Some kids are pushier than others. Some parents are fine with that and think “oh - they’re so confident and independent and sociable”. (I vividly remember a girl in my DD’s class say something incredibly cheeky (bordering on disrespectful) to a teacher at a school event. Her mother glowed and said “Oh, aren’t we loving that sass?”, whereas I was quite aghast that she hadn’t told her DD not to be so rude to Mrs Parker. ) People have different views on what’s acceptable and the OP is perfectly entitled to have her own.

This also reminds me of the threads on here around the whole “there’s no harm in asking” idea. I’m firmly of the belief that there is, because you then put someone in the awkward position of having to say “no”, which can be difficult for some people. (Being cynical, that’s probably why they ask in the first place!). It’s a bit like that with this child; her parents or grandma should never have allowed the 7.30 calls to happen. When she came home saying that she was going to the OP’s house to do tree decorating, one of them should have checked directly with the OP that that was okay. A quick text would have allowed OP to say “ah - sorry - girls got the wrong end of the stick but Lucy can come and play on Monday” or whatever. Other people are pushy; that doesn’t mean OP has to be a pushover.