To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

We had this when DS was at primary school.

Neighbour down the street’s DS used to watch for me coming home with DS, around 5:30/6pm (as he’d been to kids club after school due to us working) and constantly knock on. I found it annoying as it’s not something I would ever have allowed DS to do (letting him knock on knowing they had just walked through the door).

I had to be firm in the end and just kept repeating, DS is just having tea, homework, anything, until it was more on our terms. DS didn’t want to hang around with this DC as much but couldn’t tell him no, as this DC was extremely insistent! It all worked out in the end but took about 6 months of being firm!

Reading your update I think you do need to have a word with the grandmother. It does sound like she is happy to let her granddaughter visit you anytime and this may be because she is lazy and then doesn't have to do any childcare, or it might be that she genuinely thinks you are ok with it as you welcome her in usually.
Maybe just say to her that it's lovely that they are good friends but your DD isn't always available to play, and when she is around not to call until after 10.

One of my DCs had a friend like this. Friend was largely unsupervised and her mum seemed to like fobbing her off others. She once came round at 7am on a Sunday “because mummy said she was trying to sleep”! It had never occurred to me that I didn’t have to let her in, but that Sunday visit changed my mind. She was round every day, often bringing a sibling or a random friend with her. It became quite intrusive as I felt I couldn’t relax in my own home.

Put your foot down for two reasons: first, because this is a special family tradition; but second, and just as importantly, because this girl will start to become a pain. It’s not fair to her to let her think she can behave like this. Don’t let her come to the Xmas tree thing and practise turning her away every so often when she knocks at the door.

Another vote for doing something Christmassy with the friend the next day, maybe involving another small tree. If you can afford it, buying a growing tree in a pot which you bring in each year is nice. I did that when the kids were small & that was the one they solely decorated & made things for

Family traditions are lovely & yours sounds really nice. It won't be that many years before your daughter loses interest or has other commitments so I think you are entitled to be a bit selfish with this one & keep it to just family with a lovely alternative with the friend.

it might be the kind thing to do as a one off?
But what the heck? get ahead of the 7:30 stuff. That's bonkers.

Why are you being so wet? “But she rings my phone” 😅

Wait until your kid is a teenager, she’ll run fucking rings round you if you don’t grow a backbone.

No Lucy, your friend can’t decorate the tree with us, it is a family day.

As for answering the phone at 7.30am to a 7 year old kid 🤪🤣

Too much hand wringing here. Your DD is 7, she needs to understand she cannot dictate what happens in your house without checking with mum and dad, if she’s made a mistake she needs to learn it’s ok to apologise and say she got it wrong. No one has to feel obliged to change their plans and traditions to avoid offending a neighbours child with no boundaries. No need to buy an extra tree, have a craft day, make gingerbread houses. Not this time is fine.

Where will you draw the line? Panto on Christmas Eve, family gathering on Boxing Day, blow the cobweb trip to the beach?

And yes my DC did grow up and have lots of friends round, parties, and still visit or call daily, saying no did not damage my relationship with them.

Not mean to have family things, but this one I think I'd let slide as your dd will enjoy it more with a friend.

That’s a really nice idea!

I would consider this a tiny bit precious. If DD wants to spend it with her friend as well as family I’d be supporting that.

Family time shouldn’t be enforced imo, it should be natural. That way it’s a positive thing that everyone enjoys and not something kids ‘have’ to do.

I’d probably be over thinking it, as you are OP, but this poster has the right answer

It might be appropriate to consider what Jesus would do in this situation, and then do that.

How has she got your phone number, or is it the gran who rings?

Well Id put some boundries in place and say to the lass and her gran that please no calls or knocking the door before 9.30am.

If dd wants her to decorate the tree then I would be ok with that.

It's up to you if you don't want them there. Maybe a little tree for your DDs room could be a new tradition and they can do that another day? In our house the kids are older we have friends that are here so much they feel like part of the furniture, We have had one who has been here for birthdays, xmas tree decorating, they were here for our 10th wedding anniversary dinner 😂The kids enjoy it & I don't mind but everyone is different!

I do. Where we live we have a kid dumped on the lazy nan by the lazy father. No one can be bothered looking after him so he’s in everyone’s face. I’m probably biased by this but it’s not your job to entertain the girl.

I am with you. As the mother of an only 7 year old! We do similar - family trip to a really enormous garden centre to choose a new decoration and then the tree comes down from the loft. But then 2 out of 3 of DS's friends are really irritating so I am possibly being influenced by that...

That said 7 is definitely an age where kids will push. I had friends at that age who wanted sleepovers I didn't want and when my mum said no at my request the "but my mum said I can" always came up. Of course she did, she gets a night off.

As you’re posting more info OP, it does sound like you’re letting the little girl dictate too much to your family. You’re being very kind by letting her come round so often and also very generous in getting the crafts and tree. But her calling your phone early and coming over is too much. Put some boundaries in place now, otherwise it’ll only escalate. My DD had a friend who wanted to FaceTime constantly and it started becoming every morning, every evening. I’d then say we’ve got to have dinner or do homework and it was call me back after! I started to feel like I was being hounded and personally I don’t mind a FaceTime a couple of times a week maybe but family time is precious, I want to hang out with them when they get in from school and hear about their days. Everything is now back on an even keel with DD and her friend and I feel a lot more comfortable too. They’re only young still, it’s ok for us to put the boundaries in on what we’re comfortable with

Put on your best teacher voice and tell her "we dont have callers before 10 on a weekend". Then follow through on that by silencing your phone and turning the doorbell off.

Because the bigger picture is that an unrelated 7 year old child is controlling your time and that shouldn't be happening. Model to your dd how to manage characters like this.

I think if it made my child happy to have their friend there to help decorate the tree, I would suck it up. I’m not sayIng I give in to all requests, but I suppose I don’t see this as a massive deal. But we all have our preferences and you’re well within your rights to say no. But I’d leave it at that rather than trying to come up with some booby prize compensatory alternative.

You need to tell your daughter that she's not allowed to invite people to things without asking you first.

You are letting a child dictate your free time
you tell her no and stick to it
you mute her number till a convenient time and do not answer the door
when you see her gran ask her to not let her around until before 10am and tell your Dd to not invite people to do things unless she has asked first

Next week it’ll still be November!!! You’ll be sick of the sight & mess from the tree before Christmas really starts…get the next door neighbour to help you take the tree down around December 15th…then start your celebrations properly!

You have family plans so just say no to her. Maybe also remind your dd to ask you before she invites people in future. It's something you enjoy not just your daughter so you are allowed to do it how you enjoy it.