To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

I’d ask her Nan to stop letting her call random adults at 7.30am. That’s madness!

Personally I would 100% put my foot down. It's a once a year special family time and only lasts until kids reach the awkward teenage stage at the latest. You really don't have many chances to make these special family memories.

I also wouldn't want a neighbours Grandchild anywhere near my box of of Xmas decorations which contain some special tree ornaments originally belonging to mine and DH's Grandparents. My child understood how fragile these ornaments are and knew to leave them to me.

(I would also be irritated at the Granny for trying to take advantage of you, surely the kid has a tree at home and their Granny's tree to decorate? If she turns up again at 7:30am I would persuade them both to play in Granny's house....).

but against a backdrop of the friends over reliance on the DDs companionship and spending too much time at the OPs house which the OP is seeming uncomfortable with as per the original post - there is a lack of boundaries.

boundaries from OP from not restricting the time she’s spending at theirs and from the parents of the other child who presumably and wilfully allow her to spend an extraordinary amount of time at someone else’s home.

it’s really quite inappropriate, and the OP now has a situation where she’s effectively got a cuckoo.

This. Wow.

Telling another fully grown adult what they will feel and why the date they are planning something is “wrong” when all they have been asked is AIBU on not including DDs friend.

I get that your daughter is friends with her, but this is ridiculous!

With this information, I'd say - stand firm. This child seems to have no boundaries at all and things will only get worse. The Christmas element is largely irrelevant here - she clearly just expects to come over and get involved at any time of day, and with no consideration for your family.

It’s not a dear friend. It’s a child who’s being foisted on the op to save on childcare for her parents. Sadly the op thinks she has to appease the child and her parents! 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS why are you so precious about the main Christmas tree?

You already said no. The kid is now trying to invite themselves against your volition. That's not how you get to do nice things round other people's houses. By refusing to listen to the word 'no'. So stick to your guns. Otherwise it looks like your rules aren't really rules at all.

Have the friend round the next day and maybe just hold back a few baubles that she can add onto the tree?

Don't let her in or even open the door at 7.30. Decide what time is good for you and let her in after that.

Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me.

You're the parent, you tell the children no. Your daughter needs to ask before inviting someone round, so tell her that. This is such a non issue.

What a lovely thing it would be to share this with your daughter's friend, just for the tree decoration.

Your the adult here
You say no
Your not childcare for this child ,but the mum is treating you line you are
I bet it's not equal the time the girls spend in each others houses
This girl has her own family she can decorate the tree with
Time to start saying no when she comes over

It's not a special friend. It's the child of a CF who farms out their parenting to the OP.

Is it a special friend though? Do they go to school together or is it just a convenient arrangement for the grandmother that every weekend she gets to send the grandchild off to play and doesn't have to entertain her herself.

I also agree with the posters who have said does she genuinely always want the friend over anyway? Girls can be very bossy and I would wonder if the other child doesn't dominate in coming to play and asking to join in with things.

Is it ever reciprocated and your daughter goes round their house to play?

I wonder whether the mum would be happy to know her child is around the neighbours house when she is assuming her mum is caring for her.

I don't know what is the matter with people these days. Her parent/s sound like they are simply unfit to be parents. They can't look after their own child and they are actively teaching her to go and insert herself into other people's family activities. Really fucking weird and I wouldn't be tolerating it. Christmas being about "community" is just a licence for cheeky, lazy people to palm their kids off.

If the home life of this child is shit, social services need to be notified. OP isn't a charity, nor is she social services. Very easy for people on here to be generous with OP's family time - if you're one of those, perhaps PM the OP your address and ask her to pass your details on to the CF so that this child can come and spend a christmassy weekend doing your family's activities?

This is a really good solution.

If funds are okay and if the other kid doesn’t have many decorations at home can you get two mini trees and mini decorations, so they can decorate them together and each have them in their room. I saw some in the supermarket growing like pot plants and they were well under a fiver. Mini decorations were a euro a packet. They could make paper snowflakes too. Stick the tree pot in a freezer bag and then cover it with wrapping paper.

I wouldn't see a problem with her including a special friend.

I think you’re being a bit much. Christmas is mainly for the children and your child wanted her friend there, there’s nothing wrong with that plus you don’t know what this kid’s home life is like, maybe spending it with you decorating will be a day to remember for her.

Between this and the other ones who didn’t want their mother to invite a friend… I despair. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be about community?

I do. Where we live we have a kid dumped on the lazy nan by the lazy father. No one can be bothered looking after him so he’s in everyone’s face. I’m probably biased by this but it’s not your job to entertain the girl.

We're in a similar position. A neighbour's grand daughter (now aged 7) spends most weekends at their house & is constantly knocking on our door asking to play with our dog & wanting to play in our garden as we have a construction with a swing, climbing frame etc for our grandchildren to play on when they visit. But it does get wearing as I feel that I have to supervise her while she's on our property in case she has an accident & hurts herself, she also asks for drinks & snacks & I've started pretending that we've run out of anything suitable for a child to have & sending her back to her grandparents as it's not our job to feed & water her. Our neighbours are in their late 80's & can't really cope with a lively child & we feel sorry for her as she's obviously bored & lonely. Even if we kindly say that it's not convenient right now & suggest that she calls back at a specified time later in the day, she will turn up 30 minutes later.

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth Contact the Granny, tell her Petunia is not invited and will be returned back home by you or your DP/DH if she turns up.
Explain to your daughter that this is one special Christmas thing which you do as a family and Petunia has her own family to do things with.
Harsh? maybe🤷‍♀️, but you don't want this kid invading your space/day.
It's time to put your foot down.

Let the friend help decorate the November tree, and get another tree in mid December when it's actually Christmas time..?

you can do both, take friends on holidays, have sleepovers and friends around all the time, but have a day for your when you don't have to entertain another child, do your own thing with your kid and put pjs when you feel like it.

The more time you spend organising / inviting/ entertaining your children's friends, the more important the ONE or 2 days a year you have privately.

My kids are in their 20s now. There have been some things we've done many years, some most years, some once or twice. Christmas eves, for example, where we went to carols, but the odd one we didn't when it was torrential rain, or lockdown, or whatever. Christmas Eves where a friend came over, once or twice. Years when both kids did baking with me, where one did, or where neither did.

At the end of it all, you remember all the times you did the thing, and that you did it for many years, and they're good memories. Even though they might have been a little bit different some years, you have those memories overall of all the many times you did whatever the thing is. But I do think if every time, no matter what, I'd been like NO! WE DO CAROLS! for example, when something else was suggested, the traditions would have ended much more quickly. FWIW.

Well clearly OP isn't happy at the way things are working out up to now and is finding her 'overwhelming'. So it sounds as though it's already happening

Absolutely not unreasonable. I would move house, sounds a bit much. I like home to be home, unwanted guests are much more than a nuisance to me, I find it really intrusive