To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

I completely agree with this. If having her friend there makes her happy I would be happy to accommodate that. She might be really disappointed if the friend cant come and that will spoil.it for her and therefore probably you

nah Not at all. It’s pretty much what’s indicated by OP.

the kids annoying. I’m surprised OPs put up with it for this long.

I had a friend when I was a little girl whose home life was chaotic. When I look back, as an adult and a parent myself, I just think that circumstances had basically overwhelmed the adults in my friend’s life and that she fell through a lot of cracks - not to a level that could be considered ‘proper’ neglect, but definitely to a point where she had too much freedom and not enough adults she could trust who were reliably there for her.

She pretty much spent every weekend at my house for about five years. She never slept over, but she was with us all the time. My parents basically saw her as a bonus child. I’m glad they did because she had such a shit time as a child, shuttled around between adults who just didn’t really have time for her, but our house was always a safe place. So she did help us with stuff like decorating the tree, and she came on family days out. And I think it’s telling that she’s NC with her own family now but not with mine.

On the other hand, at the time I sometimes found it hard not having what I feel like was family time without her, and I wish my parents had set a few more boundaries sometimes - she would even come round if we’d fallen out and just not speak to me in my own home. My mum explained as best she could that my friend didn’t really have anywhere else to go and she came here because it was safe.

So I see both sides. But I think a bit of generosity of spirit - at Christmas, especially - wouldn’t go amiss.

Special family times are important OP and I'm with you on this one.

You sound like a lovely caring Mum and I agree with some pps suggesting you do a special Christmas activity with DDs friend and DD the day after your special family day. Just tell her you're all going to be busy that day. If she does come to the door just tell her you're busy and DD will see her tomorrow.

Some pps have said what difference will it make to your DD she might not even remember it but YOU will! We are allowed to create special memories for us as well as our children. Don't feel guilty OP. It sounds lovely.

I think you’re being a bit precious to be honest.

From the point of view of my younger self, I am not an only child, but there is a large age gap between me and my older siblings, so it felt like I was at times. I had a little friend who lived next door, she was a only child and we did spend a lot of time together and it even though I liked doing things with my parents it was so much better having a friend to play and chat with as I didn’t have a sibling my age to share these moments with.

My parents used to include her in things like this if I wanted them to and looking back it was so lovely that they did. 30+ years later me and the little girl are still friends, she and her husband will actually be coming to my parents house with me for dinner on Boxing Day this year. We still fondly remember our childhoods.

I get you want it to be a special family thing but your child won’t understand the “making memories” thing in the way that you are trying to do. And might even find the idea of doing this with only her parents less appealing than bringing a friend along. My memories of Christmas at that age are magical, and I don’t think they would be as good if my little friend wasn’t there.

Let your daughter decide if she wants her mate to come along. Also, it’s Christmas. Surely part of the spirit it sharing it with others.

When my adult DDs were young they had a friend whose home life was chaotic. We welcomed her to anything and everything and she became almost part of the family. Now that she is grown we all love her like our own.

Op I would feel the same and be uncomfortable re having this child all the time .

Do you speak to the granny at all ?
Can you ask her will /does this girl get to decorate a tree ? Becsyee she wants to do mine ? I feel bad saying no but does she get to do one ?the granny may say yes !! Mine ,her mum's and her dad's when she goes there !!
In which case you don't feel bad.

If not then maybe let her do it.

She hasn't been invited has she?

She invited herself!

Does your daughter really want her there or didn't want to say no?

I'd probably try to find some compromise if your daughter would really like her there.

Things that are special to us often aren't to the kids!

Yes, of course she is.

spending most weekends at our house
we do lots of craft and baking for Christmas, I usually invite her and a couple other friends to join in
I will buy a smaller tree too and invite her to do it the next day and maybe do some gingerbread men

Wanting to put some pjs and curl up on the sofa instead of babysitting another child?

Awful and selfish behaviour, the shame 😂

I’m usually l for mates coming round, but we never had friends round when ours were small and we were decorating the tree. I think that is a special family time.

Getting a small tree and a few decs for her bedroom to do the next day with the friend, if you can afford it, is a great idea.

Why is a 7 year old, who isn't even yours, dictating things that happen in your house?

Absolutely not. If no one else is teaching her boundaries, it's about time she got used to them somehow.

You are being far too accommodating on everything else (evrn though it's kind of you) but you are entitled you to own privacy and time with just your own family and shouldn't be made feel guilty about it.

How and why? Op entertains the kid a lot. All she’s asking is to have a day without the child, ie. a family day.

That’s your extremely weird and pessimistic speculation. It’s not fact.

Tell the child’s mother your daughter invited her by mistake. This is just a thing you all do together and her daughter will be welcome round the next day.

OP is being a bit of a Scrooge

It’s inappropriate because the Nan is effectively foisting the kid off on to the neighbour to look after instead of doing it herself.

having a friend /play date in perfectly fine.

When it’s impacting on the families home life it’s inappropriate

So the friend invited herself? Or did your DD invite her?
It’s absolutely fine to have the day together as a family, they see each other all the time and can do another Christmas thing together. As a PP said, just be breezy about it.

She is a dear friend to the DD.
What is with people these days. You whinge about kids having too much screen time and not learning social skills. But then you do everything to chase away what could be a life long friend for your only child because you are resentful of there being more than 1 child in your home/presence at a time.

It's not that deep, FFS the insanity of the replies,

"get another tree"? really 😂

OP doesn't want to have another child that day, is not making a schedule for the next 20 years or even the entire month, she wants a day at home without guests, without another child. YABU? Fuck no, I have a pretty much open house, but of course you can have the odd day to yourself and don't have to babysit your kids friends all the time.

I know someone who’s so precious about it her kids aren’t even allowed to decorate it themselves. Bonkers.

I don’t think it is inappropriate at all. Only children often have close friends or cousins that act as almost siblings. It’s healthy for them to interact with another child in real life on a daily basis. The alternative is a child that’s making online friends and going to awkward play dates every few weeks.

It’s okay to admit that times have changed and people are just increasingly selfish, you do you.

Including people in your Christmas decorations is really minor and inconsequential, the pyjama matching social media photo can wait til later. But to each their own, I’d never assume a kid coming round is just “a CF being palmed off” and I’m not even a particularly extroverted person, that’s such a warped negative perspective on other people. Pretty sure cousins and friends always helped with the tree and nativity, maybe it’s just different cultures.

Yes, see Matthew Ch 19 verses 13 & 14. It says parents were bringing their children to him to bless them, but the disciples rebuked the parents. Jesus saud " Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Google says this incident is also reported elsewhere in the New Testament.

Tree decoration is family time for us. Dd1’s girlfriend did join last year but dd is almost an adult and her girlfriend is becoming part of our family. Quite different to just a friend age 7.

I’d say we are decorating as a family but we’d love the friend to come and make Christmas cookies with us.

I’d just let her bring her friend along. I think it is really sweet she wants to share your family tradition with what seems like a best friend. Your DD will enjoy it more with her friend there.