To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

The OP as her daughter's mother is quite within her rights to set the agenda for a weekend family day; she's entitled to have what SHE wants occasionally. Why shouldn't DH and DD accommodate OP instead of a little neighbour girl, ffs?

The neighbour kid clearly isn't being raised with any manners, consideration or respect for others' homes and privacy. That's too bad for her but OP isn't a social worker. I do agree that OP should speak to the grandmother and limit playdates to once a week or so, so that the DD's leisure time isn't dominated by this other child. Is DD ever invited to the neighbours for anything? I highly doubt it; the grandmother is taking the piss here. Free childcare and it gets the granddaughter out of her hair for many hours a week.

Exactly. The parents’ enjoyment of this once-a-year ritual is surely pretty important, whereas two average seven year old girls will spend their whole year in a dazzle of frivolity and giddiness.
Above all, OP is very sentimentally attached to the tradition, and as far as I’m concerned, that settles it.
It certainly does not sound like this is a mother determined to exert iron control over everything, far from it. Wanting one special evening where things aren't turned upside down to please someone else isn’t being precious or too demanding.

The omnipresent kid has certainly had her share of this family’s time and attention by now, so fair’s fair!
As for DD, she’s seven, not seventeen, and does not get to tell her parents how things are going to be.

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth do your DH and DD have any say in the traditions? You say DH isn’t bothered and DD wanted her friend to join in with the tree.

There’s a lot of unpleasantness being directed at a 7 year old child here who hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Yes, she has been turning up early in the morning, but nowhere has it been suggested that the OP has asked her to stop, has approached the parents, has told her DD she can’t come round.

As far as she’s aware she’s playing with her friend because she has no-one else to play with.

Clearly she’s a child who has been palmed off on her grandmother at every possible opportunity, and has befriended the OP’s DD.

And now people are making her out to be some kind of entitled brat who needs taught a lesson.

At the end of the day she asked if she could come round and help, and it was the OP’s DD who said yes.

And the only one bothered by this is the OP, even her husband has said it’s no big deal. So this doesn’t have anything to do with family traditions. It has everything to do with the OP needing to dictate the narrative because she can’t let go.

If they keep asking just give them the look.
@bumptybum this reminds me of my aunt when I was a kid 🤣.

I think traditions can evolve and the daughter wants her friend there. The fun is forced if only one person is enjoying it.

Why would her presence intrude on your family so much and totally change the experience from a good one in to a not so good one? I don’t get it!

Yes, it would! Clearly you don't get it.

Babysitting, entertaining, feeding and organising pick up and drop off times with random parents is shit, especially when you are both working. There are parents on Mumsnet who do not do in-home playdates, at all and arrange to meet up at parks etc. I understand why.

She’s giving an opinion, that’s allowed.

You think parenting a 7 year old and creating traditions and having family time is forced fun?
every day sure but regular family time isn’t be applauded not derided. Pity the other family don’t do the same

Some family traditions especially around Christmas absolutely can stay the same up until people are adult children. Otherwise they aren’t traditions. Just things that sort of happen in a similarish way. These kids are SEVEN.

OP they are 7. You set the agenda. Just firmly but kindly say to the girls ‘XXXX is family time. You’ve can play the next day’ and if they keep asking just give them the look

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth have you actually spoken to the grandmother about her granddaughter coming over every weekend and in the evenings as well? Does the mum know? I think I would be tempted to try and catch the mum to say you are concerned about her calling you so early in the morning and wanting to check everything is ok.

I don't know why people think you should take in this child on what you want as a special occasion with your own daughter. Where do you draw the line? What happens if the week after you say you're going to see Santa and DD tells the neighbours child and she then wants to go too? What happens on Christmas eve if grandma has her then and sends her round.

You haven't mentioned if your daughter goes round there to play. It sounds very one sided.

Another thought OP, you said your dd has lots of friends, but is this girl monopolising the weekend time as she’s coming round every weekend day as she’s at grandmas? Does your dd get to have play dates with other children without next door girl coming round too?

it might be worth making a point of making sure your dd gets time with other children as well. If next door girl is only a friend because she’s there every weekend, if mum changes job so grandma doesn’t have to do childcare your dd might end up a bit upset. Does your dd play with other children at school or does she always play with next door girl at school as well?

Op sounds like quite a sensitive person, which I suspect is why she posted on here. She has made her decision and should be happy with it and stick with it, regardless of the thoughts of people like me and others on here. After all they're just opinions. They mean absolutely fuck all, and matter even less.

My niece has a friend like this and I think it stems from the parents. When she has not been invited to join us for an activity, she will tell us “no it’s ok, my mum said I could go with you / spend the afternoon at your home” and I’ve had to explain to her mother that she doesn’t get to dictate who participates in our family’s events.

I do like the idea of having an ornament-making party that the friend can take home, but you’re allowed to have family traditions that are only for family.

Sorry, but no. Just no.

All this headache and faff and bodging up the day for what???? Because a child too young to understand blurted out an invitation to a neighbour kid who already gets FAR more indulgence from the OP than she should!

There is no indication that OP's child is lonely, isolated, friendless, doesn't like spending time with just her two parents, etc. etc. There is no way the OP should be leaping through hoops to re-design her special seasonal day to accommodate a stranger's child. It's absolutely absurd to suggest that she do so!

What's next? Why not let the kid move right on in; she's there all the time anyway, right? I'm sure her able 50-something businesswoman grandmother can use the free childcare, eh? Must #bekind at all costs, eh?

This. Wow. Criticizing another adults post! Happy Christmas ( in late December that is!).

Isn’t it just! The chaotic free for all some people describe here sounds like a nightmare

Organised, planned, not forced, the OPs dd wants to do this day.

honestly do some people never plan time with their dcs?! That’s pretty shit.

If your Dd really wants her friend to join in the Christmas fun then you could try this:

Go to the Christmas market, just you, Dh and Dd, pick out the tree etc.
When you return home, neighbour child arrives to help put up the tree and listen to Christmas music, have hot chocolate or a simple meal or whatever with your Dd and then you send her home. You then have the rest of the day/evening to lounge around in pj's, have more hot chocolate and watch movies, etc.

This way, you still have a special family day but it's extra special to Dd because someone her own age got to be a part of it for a little while. The majority of the day it will be just the 3 of you so you'll be keeping to your Christmas tradition, just changing it slightly for an hour or two to include Dd's friend.

There's nothing wrong either with saying 'No, come visit some other day instead', explain to your Dd that some occasions are family only, if you're sure that's how you want to keep things for the time being.

Keep in mind however, that your Dd will have her own memories when she's looking back at her childhood so weigh up the pros and cons of limiting these sort of occasions and traditions to family only as your Dd gets older. Going forward, since your Dd is an only child, I think you should consider including other dc in some of your family days out and family traditions, if that's what your Dd really wants.

Find a balance so it's sometimes just the 3 of you and sometimes other dc are included in these special and fun occasions.

(However, you do have to become better at setting out clear rules, it's not ok to have children ringing you or turning up on your doorstep at 7.30am or staying 'til all hours. Let your Dd have quality time with friends but don't let the children dictate when that happens)

I do understand about having those special Christmas traditions, it's similar in my home. It's just about recognising when to change things up a little bit so that everyone is happy.
Whatever you decide, I hope you all have a fun day.🎄

No, it's a planned day out with planned activities, because things don't just magically happen. Most of can't just open our door and there's a Christmas tree, then open our cupboards and hey presto! there's hot chocolate and Christmas snacks.
Christmas panto? Tickets need to be bought soon after release. There's more to life than a walk to the local park and it needs planning.
I was the only child who loved it when friends joined in or we did things with my cousins. But I like our set tradition of decorating. Me and my youngest (27) have swapped our previous hot chocolate for advocaat and Christmas cocktails. So the next day of shared Christmas activities, is the best plan.

This sort of guilting isn't helpful.

If the child is neglected the OP should consider calling SS. Not turning her own home into some sort of refuge.

Why are you even considering it? This neighbour's kid sounds like there are no boundaries at home but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have any. I personally would have stopped her coming round all the time especially at 7.30 in the morning. You have made a rod for your own back. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. A simple 'no' is all that's needed. No drama.

All of this fabricated anticipatory schadenfreude nonsense is so annoying. Projecting one's own issues on the OP and her family is pointless.

A child might think it's desirable to have a "friend join the fun" but it's not her call. The tree-trimming is just as much for the parent as it is for the child. Adults are allowed to have holiday traditions and not subsume everything to the whims of little children who are too young to know better.

I would worry that the way this child turns up at your door insisting that your daughter play with her might give your daughter unhealthy ideas about boundaries and what we owe other people. As the other girl is the instigator of the friendship and your daughter is just a passenger I think family time for things like decorating the tree and seeing other friends is really important. Are they best friends or is this girl just always there?

Kids that age don't necessarily understand the 'when' of things so if she comes round you can just say DD isn't coming out today but if you come round tomorrow you can play and do whatever. You're not unreasonable at all but I do also agree with PP that your daughter will be reaching a point she wants to do a lot more with friends. Although it does sound like you generally accommodate and facilitate so it's not a given that she will therefore resist family time.