To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

On Christmas Day? I think OP should be the bigger person and make sure her children have the best day possible

You think the grandparents' needs are the most important thing? It's up to their son to make arrangements with them. The end.

How did she phrase it? as your phrasing makes MIL sound unreasonable but if it was just that MIL has invited you and DC over she isn't U to do that and actually quite nice to still include you. But you aren't U to decline and leave it to ex to take them.

I agree with this, offering boxing day is a good alternative. Especially when he won't put in the effort at Christmas. Offer it so he can visit his parents with the kids (whoever wants to go). Then he can drop them off.

Absolutely it’s your exe’s responsibility to take his children to see his parents. You are no longer together. It’s quite cheeky of your MIL to assume differently.

Their best interests may well be staying with their mum and having a nice relaxing day at home. If someone thinks their best interests are something different then it’s up to them to arrange and facilitate it.

Agree with all PPs that they should be seeing the kids on his time and contacting him about visiting.

We do every other year. When it's my year to have DS Christmas day, ex picks him up at 11am boxing day and has him til 3pm on the 27th.
When it's his turn to have DS Xmas day, he picks up at 6.30 Xmas eve and drops off at 11am boxing day.

It needs tweaking every now and again due to regular contact weekends - this year ex is having him 6.30pm Xmas eve through to the Saturday after Christmas as it didn't make sense for DS to come back for a few hours on the Friday just to go again for the weekend. Ex agreed to bring him home a day early to make up for my missed time.

Eventually you'll get to the point where those sorts of conversations are possible but for now, make a plan with him and stick to it for the kids sake (not so much the 16yo, they can do what they like really)

Totally agree with this. Since he hasn’t proposed anything, I’d put forward your preferred proposal with a willingness to swap next year. Although I guess in reality the 16 year old at 17 next year could decide what they want.

It’s nothing to do with him vs her. They have separated and it’s his side of the family so his responsibility. She isn’t preventing the children from seeing their grandparents, she just doesn’t need to take on the organising and facilitating.

What did you want to do this year? Go to your family? Be home with the children? With friends? … I think you should speak to your ex and say what you’re doing and he can have the kids on xyz day/s and his parents can see them then.
dont be put upon now you’ve got out of that relationship

They have a son to facilitate that, if he was dead it'd be different but he's not. This is not OPs responsibility. OP doesn't need to make up for his shortcomings.

I think you need to set the boundaries now or you'll have this expectation on you forever more.

They haven't adjusted to the fact that you are separated now and they need a reality check.

There's no spending Christmas with your ex. You are no longer a couple. He just wants Christmas sorted for him with no effort on his part.

There's no you taking the kids to his parents. He does that now.

I'd suggest a very clear approach to your ex.

Possibly the kids with you until after lunch and he can then collect them to take to his parents.

Alternatively Christmas day with one of you and Boxing day with the other and alternate each year.

Don't fall into their plan of your separated but you'll still provide their Christmas for them.

Communicate with your ex regarding this. Message him today to say you need to sort the Christmas arrangements. Communicating with his parents is down to him.

OP I'm with the others who have said this is a chance to take control. I would say you suggest the DC spend Christmas with you and Boxing day woth them. And you can alternate every year. (If you would be happy to do this).

The problem with letting the DC decide is that only works if no one is going to put pressure on them. I understand you genuinely want them to do what they want, but unless the other adults are also on board, they may find themselves at the centre of an emotional tug of war and it won't be fun for them.

This is a chance for you to negotiate it to be as you want it to be, set some ground rules for future years.

What does a lovely Christmas with the DC where you're not catering for your ex and his family look like? How can you make this happen?

Good luck OP, I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Take control of the situation now. Don’t let others decide what’s happening. Explain that the children will be you, and ex will have them in the afternoon, or whenever ( Boxing Day?),, and if he wants to bring them over, then he will.

Why can't OP's ex-husband sort this out? One of the advantages of being separated or divorced is that OP is no longer responsible for facilitating the relationship with her ex-PILs.

Their best interests aren't necessarily seeing their grandparents on Christmas day. They could see them on Boxing day, for example.

The OP has left her ex. She doesn't need to prioritise what others want.

Her middle child wants to spend the day with her.

You and your ex need to make a decision over the arrangements. Not addressing the situation isn't going to help. You need to decide whether the day will be split, and he can have the children for the afternoon for example. During that time it's up to him what he does (such as seeing his parents/letting the children see the grandparents). Else you need to make the decision that Christmas day they are with you and boxing day with him, and again it is up to him to make arrangements for that day.
The ex in laws need to talk to their son and you need to politely say this if they are contacting you for access.

What are your usual arrangements for seeing the children? As that is also sometimes what it can be based on e.g if it's his usual day then he has them (which may be tough for you).

I don't it's your responsibility to take them over, but it's probably time to make a plan with your ex. If everyone is local, he can collect them and take them for a visit for a couple of hours, then you aren't responsible for hosting them or taking the children round.

“Hi Barbara. The kids are with me this Christmas. If you would like to see the children, please arrange it with your son during the time he has them, not directly with me. Thanks.”
Ignore all future contact

Or the gps can pick up or their dad can? Why wouldn’t they?

I think you need to come to an arrangement soon. I don't think it should just be kids' preference either. When families split, Christmas is normally something that is a focus of any custody arrangement details.

Either you arrange with ex that one of you has the kids in the morning and the other in the afternoon for Christmas day, or you agree an every second year arrangement for Christmas Day. This does need sorting, though, and your ex's preferences are important here, as well as yours and the kids'.

YABU. These are their grandparents. Stop making this a him v you issue, and take your kids to see their grandparents! Their best interests should come first.

To reiterate what @Barnbrack said: it's only on your shoulders if you accept it. It's for your ex to facilitate the DC spending time with his parents. Personally I would stop communicating with his parents at all.

Discuss it with your children and centre their needs. That's all that matters. And I agree with others that you should turn the situation around to see it as being in your control.

If you make the plan, you have the control. If you let them organise it, you may not like what they say. Speak to DC and ask what they want.

Tell him, the kids have decided they’d like to go to granny’s for tea. Come and get them at 4pm.