To not take children to see ex in-laws on Christmas Day

OP has just provided some more information and context about these grandparents:

'The grandparents only see the children a handful of times a year. We live 5 minutes away from them. They never make the effort. Never ask to see/have them and now it’s Christmas Day they do. I feel it’s more for them than the children.'

She has also confirmed that her ex-husband has them for a total of 6 hours per week.

OP is certainly under no obligation to pander to these selfish people who clearly don't really give a fuck about their own children/grandchildren.

OP's ex-husband is obviously lazy and wants to spend Christmas Day with OP and his kids as he will just sit back and let her do all the work and the grandparents are obviously just concerned about appearances as they have shown no love or concern about their grandchildren throughout the rest of the year. They don't get to pretend to be grandparents of the year on Christmas Day.

Tell him he can take the kids to his parents on Boxing Day. End of discussion.

Ignore attempts to guilt you. His opinion is no longer relevant to you.

I am curious though; you have apparently been together a long time and recently had another child by him after a long gap. How did it all go to shit since that seemed like a good idea?

I would say why not get the "new normal" started straight away?

Lovely CD with mum, lovely BD with Dad & GPs.

You need to speak to your ex, one suggestion is he collects the children at a set time (do you want the faff of cooking dinner?) and he can then do what he wants including seeing his parents. If you aren’t fancying cooking a Christmas dinner I would suggest you have them Christmas Eve until Christmas Day and have a lovely morning with fancy brunch together and he collects early afternoon bringing them back Boxing Day (or you collect them on Boxing Day, perhaps if you feel you can do it for the kids meet him and them at a place for a walk together then you take them home, less pressure than spending Christmas Day together but shows dc that they are important plus you need to maintain a relationship with this man whether you like it or not, these low key civil things help, we found that we sorted most of our divorce settlement walking the dog together (complicated backstory to that but it was helpful and saved ££££’s in legal fees)

I can see why in a lot of divorces it is impossible to spend time together but if you CAN stomach it, for the kids, just for one day, then I think making it lovely particularly for the younger ones, then I think you should, but with the massive caveat above.

I agree that this is the time you need to be assertive, especially after your last update.

’Hi Ex, I think it will be less confusing for DC if they spend Christmas at home with me this year. I’m happy for you to pick them up on Boxing Day morning and keep them overnight if you wish.’

After Christmas, talk to the older DC & see if they would prefer to do it differently next year. If it’s really about what is best for the DC, this is unlikely to be splitting the day traipsing here & there - even if it makes it ‘fairer’ for the parents.

This. Not having a go at OP, but they seem pawns in all this.

I'd just say. Sorry. Won't be able to do that this year. Then don't elaborate. I've learnt now as a people pleaser of 40+ years the best way is to just say no without explaining why. Then no chance to engage further. If they do come back and say "why?", simply : Afraid it doesn't fit in with my preorganised plans. You are welcome to ask X if he wants to bring them over for an hour, but otherwise we will have to meet another day.

Maybe OP just wanted to confirm her thinking was right? No need to be prickly about it!

I’d reply with

Hi mil, hope you’re ok. We’re still sorting out how we’re organising Christmas this year. Once we’ve finalised it all, you’ll be best messaging Dick about when he’ll pop up to yours with the kids.
thanks

The in-laws need to see them on his time now. It's not your job (and never should have been) to facilitate a relationship between your ex's family and your DC. He needs to do it now.

So, reply to MIL that once you've made agreed how it's going to work with him seeing the DC on Xmas Day, he can then arrange to visit in-laws with the DC on his time. Then politely disengage. If they don't like it, explain this is the norm when parents separate.

It isn’t? You’ve addressed it already. You’ve said it’s his responsibility. End of discussion. No need for the post.

“ Hi exMIL, plans around Xmas have yet to be discussed with xh once they are arranged he can then plan when he will be bringing them to you”

then message xh and state “we need to decide upon the arrangements for Xmas”

suggest he gets them Xmas afternoon/evening or Boxing Day and can then do his Christmas plans with them.

@Thingsaretight

there are two parents. Dad should be taking them to see his parents. Why is it Mums responsibility ?

Who knows if they even want to go and see the grand parents anyway

Zero. Guilt. Offer him to collect them at 3 or 4pm. If he kicks off say stop with the ridiculous, if you cared that much you’d want to see them more than 6 hours a week. We can try this again next year.

Drop him a text saying. The children will be staying at home Christmas Day. Can he collect them at 9:30 on Boxing Day? If he tries to make you feel guilty just ignore and keep asking the question re Boxing Day - that is your only involvement in his )and his parents) Christmas -the time he is going to pick them up.

@luna122 Just read your last post. Time to stop letting how others dictate your time, and to take control. Be assertive. Tell him that this is what’s going to happen. Maybe two options. A) you gave them all for Christmas Day and him all on Boxing Day, or b) half and half. Don’t pussyfoot around others, and if they get upset, so what. It’s not your job to manage their emotions.

Reply to your in laws 'please sort this out with your son' and have a lovely Christmas Day at home with your children, @luna122 . Also congratulations on offloading all these half-assed, entitled part-time family members, especially your ex 💐

What do you think would be best for the kids in the long term (ie future Christmas days as well)?

We alternate Christmas, with one parent having the run-up and Christmas Day, then kids going to other parent on Boxing Day morning.

It annoys me a bit that kids spend 90% of time with me but ex gets every other Christmas, but only a bit… we just do Christmas on Boxing Day every other year. Kids have always been positive about ‘2 Christmas days’ and nobody has to faff about travelling on the day.

Let’s face it you are not going to spend Christmas with your ex every year. So it’s a good time to set up a long term arrangement now.

Seeing his parents (whether on Christmas Day or any other day) needs to happen on his contact time and via his arrangement.

Yanbu. Just say no, it won't work this year - 9yo wants to stay with you and you want to stay at home.

Talk to your ex though as you need to have a plan for christmasses now you aren't together. Maybe alternate christmasses so he gets them next year? Could you also do Christmas eve with one parent then christmas day with the other then meet up for boxing day walk (if you actually want to)

His parents = his time. Don't do it to yourself.

The in laws are cheeky fuckers. Having seen your update, my response to this would be very brief.

"Please context Dick regarding Christmas. He'll be responsible for all arrangements now we're separated"

Just do it by text.

Hi Ex, I’ve been thinking about Christmas. How about we alternate, so this year the kids stay with me Christmas Day and you have them Boxing Day, and next year we swap.

dont even mention grandparents at this stage, just get sorted which days you’re each having the kids. Sort grandparents later. Dont reply to MIL

It's not about guilt. It's about a workable and fair arrangement for all.

That's actually not how it works. This woman does not have to sort everything for everyone.