Boring wedding invite drama

You live in the same city and facetime regularly
But you haven't met her
Why haven't you and the kids gone to meet her ..have you met the other siblings of your husband
Maybe if you had made the effort to meet his siblings you may of been invited
Why don't you make the effort now ?
Invite his siblings over for a meal , invite them over Christmas..they can meet your children and you meet theirs
It's a two way street getting to know people..you could of made the effort as much as she could .
I expect the wedding is not until the summer... plenty of time to get to know her before then ,maybe she will invite all the kids if she gets to know them...and if she still doesn't invite them ...
Plenty of people can be funny about weddings and not inviting step children.
I expect your older DC will get invited to their dad's side of the family , weddings and parties..you can't make everything equal in life ,when you have a step family situation ( or similar)

So rather than feeling empathy for OP's older foster children, her SIL, who was a foster child due to her abusive and drug addicted parents, bans her brother's foster children from her wedding and invites the parents who completely failed all their children and who are probably not safe people to be around any of their grandchildren, biological or fostered. I think that the wrong people are being punished here.

On a practical level wouldn't he just end up stuck on his own in the tent during the evenings with two very young children? This doesn't sound like much fun for him.

If she was in and out of foster care then maybe meeting your fostered children would trigger her. That’s why she just wants biological family. You’ve never met her so I don’t think you can’t take offence to this.

It isn't the done thing on here but I would be telling him if he goes I would be rethinking our relationship 🤷‍♀️

The reasons for this would be as follows:

1. No invite for you as you are 'not family' despite 15 years together and several children. You are his family, more so than the blood related knob jockeys he is currently dealing with.

2. The complete disregard for the none biological children, especially as other nieces/nephews are attending. It is just cruel in my opinion.

3. The fact it is all just an elaborate way of getting him to interact with his addled, addicted parents and this doesn't seem to have occurred to him? How does he propose to avoid them for three days? Taking a toddler and a baby (addled parents grandchildren) is like sticking a big red cross on his back ffs! It would worry me that he is somewhat unable to see this.

If he goes he needs to put his big boy pants on and go alone (ideally just for the ceremony) so none of the children/you get sucked into the drama - sounds like there will be plenty of it with his family!

Your DH's family just sound unhinged.

A wedding is probably the worst event for a family reunion. If there are tensions that needs to be aired or dealt with, it needs to be done before the wedding.

Your DH doesn't need to go for 3 days. It's weird you have not been invited as his wife (why did you say partner in your OP). Personally I wouldn't want to be introducing my DC into his family until you know what they are like. From your posts it sounds there's a lot going on

None of you have seen her in 15 years, despite living in the same city. You have explained the incredibly difficult childhood they all had, so there are obvious reasons for this. However, is she now saying she does want the kind of relationship where they meet up? Or after the wedding, will it go back to no meeting again?

If either of them want the kind of relationship where they meet in person, they should start building this up slowly- just the two of them to start with, a sudden invitation to see her AND a load of family that he presumably has no desire to see is a massive step. And I completely see why he’d want you there with him as support if he did decide to go. The kids will probably care less than you think- it’s not like this is their favourite Aunty- however I get your strong feelings around this, and I think that’s a fair line to draw.

It sounds very messy OP, I’m not sure there’s an easy answer- I’d focus on supporting what your DH wants to do as far as you can, but it does sound like the best option is for him to go alone for the shortest time he can to see the ceremony and congratulate the new couple, and then to head back home.

I would advise your DH not going. It reads like his sister is hoping 3 days wedding will maybe bond together a family thats fallen apart. By inviting your DH on his own - it's provides more opportunity to presaude him to meet with family members he kept at distance. She's already had previous for inviting him mum along and without warning him first or asking.

Not inviting his whole family at glamping destination speaks volume.

I would politely decline and wish them well.

His family were so dysfunctional growing up that the children grew up in foster care, he has tried to build a relationship with his sister but she has said he either includes their biological mother or she won’t do face to face meetings…She hasn’t included you in the invite despite knowing her brother will be isolated and probably struggling.
She sounds like she has a stack of issues of her own, including not being able to respect other people’s choices.
In your husbands shoes I would attend the ceremony only or not go at all. Having alcohol around people with addiction issues and fraught relationships sounds like a recipe for disaster, added to the mix other people’s agendas that don’t respect other people’s boundaries, it isn’t something I’d put myself through.
No wonder your husband is anxious about going alone, too often blokes feel like they should ‘man up’ and go along with things despite the toll it takes mentally. It sounds like he has come a long way from his traumatic start, tell him he doesn’t need to revisit it alone for the sake of anyone else, and certainly not for someone who trampled over his boundaries.

that is so hurtful

He needs to decline the invitation. For a start it sounds like his parents might be there.

I think it's his decision OP. And for him to explain to the dc why he's made it.

You and your partner are worrying too much about the feelings of someone who lives near to you but has been minimal contact for 15 years.
Why would you allow this person to dictate divisions between your 5 children and cause them hurt feelings.

I think you’ve been given tacit permission here to drop the rope with her OP. The wedding sounds huge and lavish and with a glamping bring your own type of arrangement that you describe, it’s not a cost issue.

Your DC won’t have the chance to meet cousins and forge family connections.

She’s been clear about she views you and your DC - you and your DC aren’t family. So I wouldn’t be saying hi on video calls or chatting about pets or work drama. Your DH can choose to have whatever relationship with her that he wants, no worries. But that would be the end of things for me, she’d get none of my time again. And I certainly wouldn’t be letting my DC chat to someone who’s going to treat them so shabbily. Your eldest two have been through real tragedy in their lives already, and possibly your foster child too, so they all need shielding from this kind of behaviour.

Also, if I’m being honest, I’d be disappointed with DH for going. Having read your full updates it makes more sense but I’d still feel as if he’s given them the green light to treat you like shit. Presumably other spouses will be there - but not you.

I agree that your SIL is potentially being manipulative and I would make sure your DH is well aware of what she might be up to. Regardless of your feelings, it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your DC to be exposed to. Or your DH, but it’s his call whether he attends solo or declines.

Sounds to me like he has been invited on his own so that he can be ambushed by his parents.
Don’t see how he can avoid them for three days. If they have addiction problems I’m guessing there will be alcohol there recipe for disaster all round.

This! He's going out of some perceived 'duty' to his sister, whom he never sees and who doesn't acknowledge the family he created. It would be a no from me.

If your dh wants to go for the wedding ceremony he should do that to be there for his sister. But, that is all.

I agree that SIL is deliberately depriving him of moral support so she can force him to engage with the deadbeat parents.

He should tell her he can't go because he isn't up to dealing with that. His family now is you and the kids, not his fucked-up family of origin, and it's his job to protect himself and all of you from their psychodrama.

Three days is much too long for two toddlers to be away from home and mixing with meth addicted grandparents.

His options ..
Your husband declines the accommodation (not safe enough or predictable enough for the children) and just attends the wedding with you and all of the children.

Your husband declines the accommodation and attends the wedding with you alone.

Your husband accepts the invitation and goes alone. While there, once he is sure of their character) he invites his newly wed sister and husband (and maybe some other siblings) to meet at a suitable child friendly restaurant at a set date about a month after. This is where all children could meet each other.

They might be family but these people are complete strangers. A responsible father would want to know them before introducing any child into their care. He needs your assessment of the family dynamics too. There is too much at risk. Your husband will not be missing out on much if he can't go at all. The family is so mean, addicted and unknown.

A wedding isn’t an occasion to get to re-connect with a sibling, both from such a troubled background. Far too many people around and the bride will want to be concentrating on all her guests.

I think that if DH has decided it’s time to meet up, then he could arrange to meet his sister before the wedding on his own or taking you with him for moral support. It is very understandable that he might need your moral support under his circumstances I agree, as it would possibly be a very triggering occasion for him.
I think it would be foolish for him to commit to a three day glamping event on his own where he felt obliged to stay. It’s not a scenario with the best chance of success for him.

I would advise him to say no to the wedding for personal reasons but instead, to make an effort to re-connect more privately, a bit at a time and gradually introducing you all as family to his sister and her new husband.

Maybe as a starter, he could meet up with just his sister on his own for a coffee in order to give a gift and card from you all and make plans then to meet up again in order to introduce you properly over a lunch or dinner.

I do have to say though, that I think your SIL isn’t demonstrating much understanding or empathy towards her brother with a single invite, given the background circumstances. I think she should have invited you to be with him at ieast.

Wow. Honestly how appaulling. At the very least she should have invited you - together 15 years!

I think you need to tell your dh that if he feels pressured to engage with his parents at sils wedding it’s totally ok for him to leave.
what are the others like? I know he’s not in much contact but could he call one and say he’s worried sil is planning to use her wedding make him talk to his parents, and that’s part of why his partner isn’t invited?

totally agree the kids don’t go.

It’s absolutely not up to SIL to demand that to see her he has to see his parents. He’s right to have avoided her.

In that context it feels even more like this depriving him of his family is a manipulation to get him to engage with his parents.

In his shoes I wouldn’t go. And in life I would make her do the running.

Life’s too short for this kind of jiggery pokery.

Not inviting you ( her sister in law) is odd. I know you don’t mind, but it’s still odd. As the wedding is nearby, can he just go for the actual wedding ceremony and not the three days?