Boring wedding invite drama

I have a different perspective. I'm not a 'unit' with my husband. We are two individuals who have chosen to share a life. We are not joined at the hip.

I was at a wedding only last Saturday, of an acquaintance of mine. Why would she invite my husband? She doesn't know him, and my child - who has played with her kids - is at the age where he would have been bored senseless. I specifically told her not to waste any +1s on me - weddings are expensive, and I'm a big girl and perfectly happy to attend unaccompanied. I got on famously with her family and friends and had a lovely time.

As for the 'family' issue, as far as I'm concerned DH's family are acquaintances also. I barely know them - there are good historical reasons for this. I'd just have happily have skipped their weddings if it wouldn't so obviously have caused gratuitous offence (they are that type) and when DH and I married we did a flit abroad, inviting only 2 people and their children (none of whom were family on either side).

I wouldn't give DH a hard time if he wants to attend alone, OP, even if this is only out of a sense of obligation. There is, unfortunately, no law to say that our in-laws have to accept us as family. If they do that's lovely and a great bonus - it's one I can't help wishing I'd had, particularly as I lost my parents at a comparitively young age. But to coin an infuritating but in this case accurate phrase, 'it is what it is'.

You know how your SiL sees you, and can now conduct your future relationship on this basis. It actually doesn't sound much of a relationship to start with. I do understand how this must sting, especially in view of the death of your own dear sister - life doesn't seem fair in this respect, does it? Condolences on your awful loss.

If his siblings all still see their parents, then the parents are highly likely to be at the wedding. But you said your DP is still estranged from his parents, so how’s that going to work out? Is he ready and willing to reconnect or would he keep his distance from them at the event (and maybe experience pressure from other family members to speak to them, bury the hatchet, don’t spoil the day, etc)?

I don’t think it’s necessarily manipulative - I do think she has grown up with an unusual idea of what family is, which is not surprising

All of this does sound incredibly manipulative. Saying you’re not damily when you’ve been married to her brother for years is truly awful.

All of this is her springing his “D”Ps on your DH without the Supoort that you woukd naturally provide.

As has been said upthread. She can and should fuck right off.

I dont see why the kids have to go at all. But I do think it’s a bit mean not inviting you and your dh as a couple as you have been together a long time.

It’s not shit stirring drama. What healthy family dynamic excludes kids of said sibling and wife?

It may be the normal in your family but having attended plenty of weddings in my time - it is not normal or healthy to not include relatives. It’s literally the brides nieces and nephews and sister in law she’s excluding.

Knock it back with -the "bio" children aren't coming as they don't know her and will be at home with their family.

It seems to me your sil has a dream of her family all being together in a way that has never happened since her (and DH’s) childhood and she thinks her wedding is a time for them all to come together for a big reunion putting the past behind them in love and joy. I highly doubt that will be the reality. Three days??? - the chances of something kicking off are somewhere between extremely likely to inevitable.
This is not a suitable event for a toddler and a baby.
DH should go if he wants to, preferably with escape car if he needs to but no way should he take the children.

I'd suggest perhaps he goes alone, just to the wedding ceremony

Sad family situation. Probably a lot of trauma there

I also agree @Shelby2010 is on the money.

You should spell it out to him in case the penny hasnt dropped

I think he should say to her that he will only come if you can come too for moral support. She must know it will be hard for him. I can see why he might not want to miss the opportunity to see family but having you by his side I would have thought is non negotiable

Agreed. She doesn't want OP there because you'd sensibly suggest he disengages and leaves when his parents ambush him. The kids are neither here nor there - she just wants him to come and invited the 2 the kids as a compromise.

It sounds like SiL is fully in FOG trying to engineer this reunion.

Read all your posts OP - YANBU.
You're doing the right thing by your kids.

Ultimately it's up to your DH if he wants to walk into the lion's den alone... I would be curious about his willingness to meet with his parents on this occasion, when the rest of the time he refuses to. What's so different about this one day (or three days)?

I can get how he doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship with his sister when he doesn't have much to hang on to by way of original family relationships... even if she does sound very withholding and even manipulative.

You sound like you're striking the balance between being understanding of him whilst upholding the important boundary around the children. He sounds lucky to have you.

Id be hurt too OP, but is this really more to do with supporting your DH make the right decision, than it is about why you and all the kids weren't invited...dont get me wrong, I 100% agree that you should have all received an invite if she was prepared to open up the invitation from just DH, to DH and the 2 bio kids but I think if she applies emotional blackmail to your DH to get him to her wedding, there is gonna be fall out either during the 3 days or subsequently with his own mental health.

He clearly has boundaries (doesn't wish to see/speak to his parents) and his DSis should be accepting of that and expect him not to be able to attend her wedding, despite how disappointing that might be for her.

Why do her feelings over wanting DH there, trump his feelings from not wanting to be near 2 people that caused so much upheaval in his childhood? Just because she accepts them, doesn't mean he has to. He's understandably nervous about attending because he has no idea if something is gonna kick off so personally I'd be telling him not to go...you'll be dealing with the aftermath if anything horrible happens...

A lot of assumptions from people that my DH hasn't bothered with her. That's not true at all. Up until about 7 years ago he tried a lot. Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both.

Interesting how people read it differently... i def got the vibe he made the effort.

I think he needs to go solo and either

1. Declines
2. goes solo to just for wedding and initial party
3. Goes solo for whole weekend

Option 2 is easiest / least drama filled with highest moral ground.
It means he's attended so sil cant be too fucked off but dodges being press ganged into "familyyyy" for 72hrs.
Sil has given him the PERFECT get out ( "oh i'd have loved to have stayed for the whole thing, but sil didnt want to invite all the children and i'm not the kind of father and husband who would leave the lovely @Simplesbest looking after all five of our children! solo for 3 whole days"

And you do sound very lovely! Its an incredible thing to do and a real shame his family can't show 1/100th of that generousity and kindness too.

I truly can't think of anything worse than the expense and hassle of having to wrangle a big family and keep them entertained and well behaved for three days at the wedding of someone I don't know. I would be grateful (after feeling a tiny bit miffed at first) at not being invited. It does make sense.

If DH wants to go, it's best he goes alone. Don't make him feel like he is letting you down if he does. Be supportive. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to - again, be supportive. But is there really no one who will be there who he;d like to see? Old school friends? A nice auntie? he could ask to be seated next to people he feels comfortable with.

And I'd make some low key nice plans for the family while he is gone - family film night with popcorn, a day out if it's fine.

Yes, all of this…

No words of wisdom to add, but just wanted to say that you sound fabulous! You have 5 kids, have your priorities right and are so level headed and calm about his damaged family.
I hope your dh can come through this unscathed and get on with life with his amazing, not so little family around him . . .
And I'm sorry to you lost your sister. ,

A remote campsite, unlimited bring your own (a huge mistake as some people will interpret this not as ‘a few ciders’ but ‘multiple litres of vodka’), a dysfunctional family, historical drug issues, generational trauma, divided siblings, fractured relationships, hurt, pain, resentment- what on earth could potentially go wrong?!

OP, trust me when I tell you I know, your DH should put tight, tight boundaries around his attendance, BUT behave in such a way that dsil can’t really complain about it. Arrive just on time to the ceremony, smile enthusiastically and clap, but buy a generous gift and write with your help if necessary a heartfelt card: ‘Dear Mary and Jim, what a wonderful day to see you guys get hitched, we all wish you a lifetime of happiness together etc’ then GET OUT OF THERE after the ceremony before the booze comes out and ancient feuds start fermenting.

Then when the bride is reflecting on it afterwards, she will say ‘shame Bob didn’t stay (and witness the police being called to a remote glamping site to fend off multigenerational murder after 500 rum&cokes in a field)’ and her DH will say, ah well, sure at least he came and look, he gave us an amazing present and wrote this lovely card’. The end.

He needs to be like smiling Teflon, tell him to imagine he’s Prince William at a particularly annoying engagement the day after Harry has issued more revelations. ‘Yes, LOVELY weather isn’t it, ah DOESN’T THIS look nice, yes delighted to meet you, WOOO what a MARVELLOUS OCCASION, CONGRATULATIONS okay bye now,’ then back in the car.

SIL wont meet DH face-to-face unless he has a relationship with addict parents.

SIL wouldn’t come to your wedding because DH’s grandparents were invited

SIL obviously wants to engineer DH meeting addict parents at her wedding without you there to support him

SIL can fuck off with her manipulation and demands

If he is (very understandably) completely avoiding his parents, he shouldn’t go. If he really wants to, dragging any of the kids into this dynamic is a bad idea, and he should go alone.

Awful for sil to not invite you, then to invite some kids but not others. Completely agree you should not allow any of them to go.

I also suspect sil is trying to get him to alone so he has to speak to parents. If I were dh I would go to the wedding ceremony and possibly the meal afterwards. Definitely not 3 days on my own with parents I dont speak to.

He goes on his own. I can see why he the only one invited. Why you not meet her in the 15 years

He shouldn't go if you're all not invited. He needs to decline.

If I was him, I wouldn't go, if my family are not invited especially my spouse, then I'm going to politely decline and wish them well for their wedding, it's a hard NO from me.