Boring wedding invite drama

If this was our family, DH would be choosing not to go because he would consider himself equally dad to all 5 children and would have no interest in either going alone or participating in favouritism to 2 of the 5 kids, nor having to cope with the emotionally complex event without the backup of the rest of the family.

I agree he should go alone, if at all!

It’s a hard no from me. A volatile family with history of drink and drugs on a three day jamboree.?That’s no place for a toddler and a baby plus their Dad may well feel stressed and emotional.

Sorry this is causing you grief, but I think she’s done you a favour. Stay home and enjoy lovely activities with all five of your children, and your partner can attend on his own. I’d suggest he just attends the ceremony, sticking around long enough to give the happy couple his congratulations in person afterwards, and then returning home to you and his family.

It’s definitely a bad idea to take two very young children into this potentially heated or toxic situation. But you could play weddings with the children, dress up in bow ties and veils and tiaras, and make a cake, and send a framed photo of the dressed up children to your SIL as a gift so you’re joining in on terms which work for your family.

Well she's never going to get to know you if she doesn't invite you to such things!

Her loss I would say. You sound like a lovely person for taking in your sister's kids and fostering another. Those kids are very lucky to have you.

I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my toddler and baby with their dad to a family event if the extended family is so messy. No matter how capable dad is. Maybe its just me but I'd worry about their safety. Toddler and baby can be a handful at best of times, without toxic (drunk) relatives

He should just go for the wedding. Not for the 3 days.

Personally he should tell her to shove her invite where the sun doesn’t shine; this is HIS family they are HIS children therefore they are HER nieces & nephews & should be invited you are her sil but from now on when she phones ignore her don’t speak either that or just go oh it’s her I don’t speak to people I don’t know & leave the room but if she’s anything to go on I’m not surprised he’s not on talking terms with the rest of the family.

I’ve only read your posts op but I wanted to say that u are being an amazing mum to these kids, whether they are biologically yours or not! That side of the family have a lot of baggage and sound screwed up a bit, which means it’s hard to understand how they think?
Try not to be hurt over it all as people have their own narrative! Honestly u and your kids not being there is their loss!

your husband should go briefly to just the service and then leave. Making it clear that you and your family come first in his life. He should absolutely go alone so the kids don’t get hurt.

read the let them theory by Mel Robbins and it will help u leg go of others actions!

Well, isn't SHE just lovely.

Never mind.

Hopefully he’ll reply no thank you.

"DH grew up in foster care and all him and his siblings were separated. They see his mum and dad but he doesn't. So he keeps them at arms length to avoid dramas and has never wanted them knowing our address etc in case his parents find out. They have addiction and mental health issues still."

"His sister is saying she really wants him there but I don't think she wants him there that much if she won't also invite all his kids or wife."

"Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both."

"I also agree it isn't the place for a reunion. But that's his sisters plans. I'm also starting to wonder if she specifically wants DH on his own as he'd be more susceptible to pressure to engage with his parents."

I think it's clear that your husband's sister prioritises her relationship with their parents over her relationship with him. Surely their parents will be at this wedding? How would he avoid engaging with them? His sister / the bride is going to press that engagement, and it's all going to get very uncomfortable for your husband very quickly.

Even without the complications of her being rude as fuck about inviting you and the children, I think he'd be far better off declining the invitation.

I do get he wants to go. If she’s the only family he has outside of you. I personally would let him take the bio kids & I would do something with the other 3. You’re not close to her, she’s unlikely to have any other power over you & in truth she wasn’t bothered about meeting her niece/nephews & only when pushed did they get invited. The truth is your bio kids will come home & probably tell everyone how boring & awkward it all was anyway. Kids don’t tend to enjoy weddings g

I would suggest that DH goes to the Wedding service and leave it at that. He isn't comfortable going alone but to take 2 under 7's sounds ridiculous. Where would he stay for 3 days? Presumably at own cost. As a Mum, I would want to be there for the children as it could be quite an overwhelming for them to be meeting dozens of people. This sounds quite a pretentious wedding. The sort of thing Hooray Henry would organise and as such would probably not be the right place for young children. I'm not sure I would want to go were I invited, with or without children.
I hope your DH makes a sensible decision.

This sort of post always gets me going! 😠
Forgive me for making assumptions and of course I know nothing about this woman apart from what the OP has told us, but from that info his 'sister' comes across as more than a little narcissistic and totally unsympathetic to the feelings of others... 😥
She says: 'we aren't invited because she doesn't KNOW us.'! 🙄The first thing that came to mind when I read that was to wonder how many other people will be attending, either friends or family who will have been invited to bring a 'plus one' and if so how many of those will she actually 'know'?! 🤔
Whilst I appreciate that from DH's point of view he feels that he wants and needs to go as obviously he feels it keenly that his sister is the 'the last person in his family he talks to' but seriously is that even the recipe for an enjoyable day for him and if he thinks about it honestly would he have a good time knowing that his family, which by default is his sister's also biological or not, had been casually and IMO wrongly excluded? 🙁

I wouldn’t expect any of the children to be invited, but to not include you is very odd.

If she’s never met you, I can understand her not inviting you. But inviting just some of the kids isn’t right. Let DH go alone.

Weddings are boring anyway . 🤷‍♀️

but this is also the wife and kids that her DB hasn't bothered to properly introduce her to, despite living in the same city. he's hardly demonstrated he considers them a unit has he?

I agree that her upbringing might be have some influence on how she sees family members but I think she’s probably old enough to realise, however she was brought up, that inviting her DB and not his wife and only 2 of his DC is a total dick move.

A lot of assumptions from people that my DH hasn't bothered with her. That's not true at all. Up until about 7 years ago he tried a lot. Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both.

Yes, well people will assume things if you don't give them the information yourself. Withholding information that is pretty crucial to the dynamic and dripping it in 5 pages later is pretty unhelpful if you want people to be able to offer their opinions and advice.

With that information, I've now changed my opinion and think it's pretty clear he should just decline altogether. He doesn't want to be face to face with other family members and they will be there, so why would he even consider going, let alone exposing two of his small children to this ?

She’s acting as a flying monkey for the rest of the rotten family, getting him isolated and exposed to the poisonous dynamics

nah…. Hard pass this, he’ll absolutely regret going, either way this wedding is going to be the last straw. He’ll end up hurt/damaged by his family, and it’ll break the relationship he has with his sister anyway.

Well if this were me, I’d be hurt too, and if I were your H, I’d not go. You ARE family. You’re HIS family and as for the BS of “I don’t know you” how the fuck will she ever get to know you if she excludes you and your kids?

if I were your H, I’d send my best wishes and a gift and decline the invitation altogether

not like it sounds like losing any one of his family members would be any kind of loss.

I think he needs to SHOW his ridiculous sis what family actually looks like, by saying it’s all or nothing.

She is isolating him from his herd (you and all the children, esp.
the older ones who have voices). Her purpose is to force/coerce him into meeting with his parents etc. whilst he is without his support system. This won't turn out well for him. There are addiction issues and there will be alcohol and drugs of choice available for three days. Emotionally fragile people and alcohol don't mix. It could turn into a battle. Maybe just attending the ceremony is an option, then he gets to welcome her new husband into his family and remind her that you all are his family. Don't bring any children, they don't need to witness the disfunction/possible emotional turmoil.

She hasn't divided his family. She does not have, nor should she be handed the power, to do that.