My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

I don't understand why so many parents think ADHD and ASD are get out of jail cards. They literally aren't so he'd better get his act together before he's pissing off the wrong people with his nasty attitude.

He's spent his entire life hearing his Dad be verbally abusive about and no doubt towards his Mum. Please tell me how hitting him will help?

Turn your phone off, glass of wine, get a friend round. Grown up stuff for you.

Make him care. That is disgusting behaviour. He's not going to care or change his behaviour until there is a consequence that affects him.

If you don't he's going to have a horrible, lonely future because nobody except his mother will put up with that shit.

Having ASD/ADHD is absolutely no excuse for such disgusting rudeness and disrespect for anyone, let alone his mum!
This kind of behaviour needs to stop immediately. There needs to be serious consequences to his actions that must be followed through to the end. If he cannot behave in your house then he doesn't get to live in your house. Simple.

Sorry? He left you then said he didnt know why you did that? Did what? Told him not to speak to you poorly?

He is acting like you have done something wrong i would get the correction in writing like, the only thing I did was tell you not to call me a fucking bitch dont know why you think its appropriate to speak to your mother that way but it is not

His behavior is vile. It must be v hard to take. Equally he sounds v upset and angry. Has he got any other adults to talk to? Would he consider counseling. Is there anyone at school who might be able to help.

Honestly tell him to stay at his dad's for as long as he likes and get yourself a bottle of wine and watch The Holiday

He is 13, he has no business speaking to a woman like that, let alone his mum

Since he wants to act like a knuckle dragging man, treat him like one and ignore him. He'll soon come home 🙄🙄

Stop being the good cop. This is your life too and you deserve some time to relax xx

… and under No circumstances do this. We are trying to minimise those behaviours of his Dad that led to the divorce.

I have been in your position, with 3 teenagers and having a serious downgrade in the housing situation following separation. The first two years were horrific, and I remember complaining here that one of my daughters had stepped into the role of House Abuser.

Ignore the ones whose kids ‘wouldn’t dare’ they have no idea what it is like to be undermined for years as a parent, whilst walking on egg-shells around an angry man.

It takes time, it takes heaps of MH support which typically teenagers will refuse to engage with, and it takes constant reinforcement of the behaviours you wish to see. I found the Ask Lisa Podcast very useful.
I’m not saying things are perfect, but there has been a huge improvement. I have a close relationship with all of them, and they are doing well at school.

Then you say, it's not OK, that's why I divorced daddy, because he treated me badly and it's not OK for you to do it either. If you didn't divorce him... Well this is the unfortunate consequence of having a child grow up in an abusive home.

Perfect. Let him sit with it for a while. Nearly 14 and taking the piss out of you quite clearly.

Address the wider picture later. You need space. Your son will otherwise learn to enjoy your upset. He mustn’t see that.

Can you find something good to do with your evening?

He’s lashing out, he’s a teenager and things are happening that he had no control over. But of course he can’t talk to you like that.
So I’m just sending support and hope you both find your way through this.

Send him to Dads, let them talk shit about you there while you have some peace.

People are acting like he’s just being a brat.

He was raised in an abusive home, and spoiler alert, he learned to be abusive.

The solution isn’t to let the abusive person raise him on his own.

How will that help? Please explain it to
me.
His Dad talks the same way. What is wrong with people on here???

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds really hard. I suspect the ASD and ADHD is a bit of a red herring here: unfortunately, from your update, this sounds like deeply ingrained and learned behaviour. DS is basically parroting the way his father speaks to you, because that's what he's learned.

So the experiences/advice of most other posters (consequences, taking tech away or switching off the wifi etc) will be pretty much pointless because this isn't just a teen suddenly behaving like a little shit who will come through little shit phase with guidance, consequences and boundaries. You are dealing with a teen who has grown up witnessing sustained misogynistic verbal abuse, from the father he presumably looks up to and admires, and so he assumes this is normal behaviour. He assumes this is how men talk to women. So he repeats it. There is no point people making comments like 'well my teens would never talk to me like that' because it's irrelevant: they are not dealing with the kind of background that you are so they won't have to deal with the behaviour you're faced with.

I don't know what the answer is but you definitely need some kind of professional advice and probably therapy for DS. However, I also appreciate that's easier said than done.

Are you to blame for the split? It seems he is carrying a lot of anger inside and is very resentful. Tell him how hurt you are and how disappointed. Then give him lots of space.

Hi OP,

Is he on any medication for his ADHD? ADHD medication can have a very good effect on ODD - so if he isn't on it then consider it - although given his age he may refuse to take it. It is worth a try though.

Is he just verbally abusive? Or is he also physically abusive? Have a look at non violent resistance - it's a way of dealing with this type of behaviour. If he is under CAMHS you can access a non violent resistance course through them. Any social worker involvement? If not it may be worth asking for a referral to the children's social services - they might be able to help but if not it will provide protection for you in case his behaviour escalates and he starts making allegations against you. For this reason too keep school fully informed of what you are dealing with at home. If he is just verbally abusive (which in itself is difficult enough to deal with - I am not trying to minimise it - I would just ask him not to speak to you like that and then ignore).

It's so easy for people to say that "I would just give him a wallop" but the reality is that the OP could find herself getting arrested if the son tells school or his dad - parents really have very little that they can actually do with regards to teenagers behaving in this way especially when they have SEN. Indeed taking things away from him will just escalate the situation with the prospect of the abuse turning physical (he's 14 after all and is probably bigger and stronger than the OP). Such abusive behaviour can go on for hours - and yes she can call the police but most parents don't want to do this and indeed only do it as a last resort. Then social services treat the problem as being because of the parent and not because of the child's SEN causing the challenging behaviour. In deed you are very much left to deal with it all on your own - you end up trying desperately to just get through the next couple of years until you can ask them to leave home or adult social services find him somewhere else to live.

Sending hugs OP, I know how difficult dealing with this type of behaviour is. Hope you can find a way through. Don't forget there is a SEN board which you may find helpful. Xx

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Exactly! I can’t believe the number of people suggesting he goes to live with his dad!

Off to “Daddy’s” he goes. At nearly 14, you need to play hard ball.

Surely you have said in reply ...

'That is why I have left your Father - I won't tolerate nastiness and abusive behaviour in my home.'

I think he does need to attend some sort of counselling with you (so its not all aimed at him!) as well as by himself, and ideally at least one of those counsellors should be a bloke so he gets to see a bloke saying 'no this isn't acceptable behaviour/acceptable language'.