My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

If he refuses therapy then I'd take his phone/devices and anything else until he does it. He doesn't get to call the shots. You absolutely need to tackle this now before he's a man abusing any woman he gets close to.

Well then therapy is a non starter. I think you need to start thinking about yourself and your own needs.

Your son may have already learned to enjoy upsetting you. From your description it sounds possible. You are not equals yet. But he’s decided to treat you with contempt. Let him go to his father - I know you are worried, but this is a big game to your ex which is likely to stop the moment you stop playing, ie reacting, and your son sees the truth, that his father isn’t really bothered about him.

Harsh and judgmental.
OP needs support, not criticism

You know most autistic people their facial expressions do not match their emotions in the same way as a neurotypical person? That “smirk” is more likely to mean he is uncomfortable or sad.

I doubt that family therapy can be insisted upon. Start with the basics. That means respect for each other.

I usually try and de-escalate things. When mine said “I hate you” I would say “and why is that?” And try and get them to talk through why they are upset. I wouldn’t respond with a “speak properly” because a child with ASD already has trouble identifying and expressing emotions in a socially acceptable way. I try not to take things personally and get to the bottom of how they are feeling instead of getting offended, pissy and making things worse.

I think you should insist on family therapy OP.

I know you know this- but you do need to get a handle on this asap. He’s 13 now- before long he’s going to be much bigger and stronger than you, and will know he has the upper hand … that’s potentially a dangerous position for you to be in.

im sorry your ex has done this to you both.

I wouldn't get into a back and forth with him. The grandparent thing is immaterial, minutiae are very easily argued by him. The response is "I will not allow you to speak to me like that in my home. It's disrespectful and I won't tolerate it. Please let me know when you'd like to try again".

When he's calm enough to come back welcome him with open arms but make sure you tell him he needs to be respectful, even if he doesn't agree with what's being said - and you can talk about it calmly. I think he's old enough to be told that copying his father will lead him nowhere good.

It’s not his fault, it’s his dad’s. I think I would probably tell him I loved him, more than anything in the world and he can be as angry at me as he likes but that won’t change. I’d also tell him it really upsets you when he talks to you like that, that you’re sorry he had to witness his dad behaving like that for years but it’s not normal and it’s not nice and you don’t want him to grow up to be hateful and full of anger. I don’t know if that’s right or not that’s just my instinct as a mum.

I'm not sure what the relevance of the holiday is? Did he ask to g oand pick the destination. Or are you expecting him to be grateful for being taken on something you wanted to do.

It literally is the only answer a certain kind of teenage male will get. Nicey feminised kindness does nothing for them and they never get back on track because that's all that's on offer. It is depressing but there we are. Imo all op can do is decide whether she prioritises her own wellbeing at all.

Why would you allow yourself to be destroyed by a succession of unpleasant men? I don't know people make their own decisions but living with this guy wouldn't be me.

No. Abuse is not the answer.

It’s kids like this that have lacked stability and positive adult role models their entire lives, that need therapy and positive coping mechanisms.

They do get walloped outside of the home, and sacked at work.

There are really good reasons to make sure that being a loving parent includes communicating that everyone deserves respect and it starts at home.

So you physically assault your children?

Again, why is this helpful???

Why would further exposure to an abusive man who treats women poorly help her son?

Well maybe Dribbler Junior would prefer to stay with his dad for a bit

He watched his Dad behave this way to his Mom for 14 years.

It is far more complicated than just consequences.

How does a teenager get to the stage where they think this kind of language towards their parent is acceptable?

My father would have buried me alive if I’d spoken to him or my mum like that. I know the ‘old ways’ of parenting are frowned upon, but this alternative way doesn’t seem to be doing much good does it??

All actions have consequences. A valuable lesson he needs to learn with immediate effect.
If he did this at school to a teacher, there would be consequences such as suspension or expulsion. If he behaved like this in the workplace, he would lose his job. if je behaved like this in his social circle he would be chucked out and lose friends.
Just because its his mum, doesn't mean she shouldn't have consequences for his behaviour. They need to be proportionate to the severity of his behaviour otherwise this will only get worse.

I think guys like him do need a wallop but unfortunately it's no longer really feasible.