My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

Can't believe all the awful parents who think physical abuse is the answer to bad behaviour, honestly so many really terrible parents.

I can’t believe it’s been suggested on here of all places. Posters on here are always saying (very rightly) that they’re sick of abusive men, and yet they think walloping a young lad is ok and fine and it will not be modelling abusive behaviour to a 14 year old boy who they will of course not want to be punching their daughters. 🙄 Yeeeaaaahhh, walloping him is a great idea. 👏🏻
And he also shouldn’t be sent to live with his dad either.

Maybe your kids were the not normal ones? It’s actually common thing in SEN puberty.

You know your son best. I suspect a fair number of NT kids also do this sort of thing though. Even if not modeled at home, they will hear that language elsewhere.

I really just posted to let OP know why I once called my parent that same thing, in case it was helpful.

Should have said this behaviour CAN be a normal part of sen puberty. I was not suggesting all sen people go through the same thing. In our case it is seen as a normal part of our son’s experience of puberty because of the added stress on his adhd/ asd

I thought it was spot on.

This is terrible to read. I hope you don’t have kids in your life that you treat like this.

I agree with all of this.

Could be but my son’s behaviour has not come from seeing behaviour like this at home from anyone. I do agree there’s no normal for anyone ❤️

I would have laid into him, making comments about what a little bitch / toad he is. He’s 14, not 4. If he swears at you swear at him back then cancel his screens / disconnect the wifi, until he apologises. If he doesn’t he stays with dad and watch them both implode when they realise you won’t take their shit any more.

It’s helped us so much. Some PPs are right. You need to be his anchor. He loves you and he’s acting out with you because he feels safe (as perverse as that sounds) it is so hard but you need to be non reactive and give short answers then walk away and don’t expect him to agree with you/ respond well. It will get better but you’re going to need some extra support so please reach out to his support team ❤️ just know that whatever he says he does love you he’s just venting his anxiety / fear - it’s not ok and he will learn to act differently but it will take time and again I’ll say you will need some extra support ❤️ it’s constant work but we’re seeing so much positive change

I think 'no normal' also applies to non-SEN teenagers too. People are just individuals no matter what. This kid has had this example from his father, so it's learned. SEN is probably secondary.

I think the point is there is no normal. My son’s behaviour has not been learned from anyone in our house but it is what it is and when adhd/ asd is involved each family will need a different approach/ solution

I'm not saying it's abnormal, I'm just saying it's not a given since 'normal part of SEN puberty' suggests it's expected. It's not.

You’d hit your child into next week?????

My sons have brown eyes. Doesn't mean blue eyes are abnormal.

you need to react less op
he is fighting
you remain calm
keep up the dialogue.

Have you actually imposed any consequences at all for this behaviour?

I have sons with ASD/ADHD. They're adults now and they have never done this. I don't think it has to be normal.

Can't believe all the awful parents who think physical abuse is the answer to bad behaviour, honestly so many really terrible parents.

Unfortunately this child has learnt that this is normal behaviour since he was 2 years old, that is going to be very ingrained 12 years later. He also still sees his dad and who knows what horrible influence he is having on him.

OP I have one with ASD but as yours has ADHD too so yours is likely to be very impulsive on top. You are not going to punish this behaviour out of him at 14. You need stock answers and to not engage when he is rude. When he says he hates you say 'well i love you' and walk away. When he calls you a fucking bitch or any other rude thing just say 'you're being rude' and walk away.

He's obviously really struggling with whatever nastiness his dad is feeding him - who knows maybe he's blaming the split on you and telling your son that you never loved him and what a bitch you are - or whatever nastiness.

You just have to hope that as he gets older he sees his dad for who he really is. Don't get emotionally involved at all with the nastiness - stay calm and consistent. Model the behaviour you want from him.

Your son is going through a lot with the separation and has had a terrible example from his father. He was saying those things at two, so it's pretty normalised and ingrained for him.

I once called my mother the same thing. I was having some powerful emotions and what I really needed was a hug and someone to give me some support. My mother was the non-affectionate dismissive type, so I wasn't going to get that. In a moment of overwhelm, I lashed out. (My family of origin was quite explosive like that in teenage years.)

Is there someone connected to the family who can support your son? A good male role model perhaps, since he won't go to therapy.

My son is the same adhd and asd it’s considered normal as part of sen puberty we have just been on a course - we were referred by his physiatrist- called Non Violent Resistance. I hugely recommend it. As “normal” discipline just doesn’t work trust me we’re considered strict parents and our marriage is ok so I feel for you and know it’s not easy even in otherwise ok circumstances ❤️

Then start parenting him effectively with consequences. Youve minimised this because its learnt behaviour from dad, but it doesnt sound like hes ever been disciplined for it. Correcting him once or twice when he started, fine. After that there should be set consequences.

I would literally tan the arse of my teens if they ever spoke to me like that. They can argue with me but they dont get to name call.

Yes. Seems likely.

He wants an emotional reaction. Do not give one. Phone off. See a friend. See more friends. Be you. Don’t engage.