My teenager just called me a f£&ing bitch

Yes because physically attacking people when they say something you don't like it absolutely fine.

Inappropriate autistic face.

Face does not match emotions. He probably can't read yours either.

Social and communication disability. It's shit.

You will need to talk to him about this . I found the how do you feel when people call you names? How do you think your girlfriend (boy friend) would feel if...? Why do you think dad says this? (Working on his theory of mind) These brought more changes than traditional NT discipline. It's the change you want.

Help him recognise his feelings by naming them. Talk about yours..."I feel frustrated when.., I feel annoyed that, I feel hurt when..."

He has a social and communication disability and teaching him these things is very hard work. There were programmes for children of abusive relationships when I left mine but they might not be available or he might not be open to that.

Sounds similar to my DS, now nearly 16. And I'm afraid to say that I DO disengage and give him the silent treatment, when he talks to me like that. I used to respond, but I would end up getting drawn into arguments and screaming at him, so it was the lesser of two evils really. I also shut his WiFi off and won't do anything for him- no lifts, no dinner cooked- until he apologises and behaves cooperatively.

Therapy would probably help, but there are a couple of issues here: first, as PP have identified, there's no guarantee that teens will cooperate. Secondly, there is no family therapy available in our area for less than £100 a session.

Any form of physical chastisement is a terrible idea. When something is frowned on by society at large, it loses its power. Plus, whacking somebody who is probably bigger and stronger than you and struggling with anger and impulse control issues already is quite obviously a really really bad idea!

I also take issue with the "being really really nice and understanding he's suffering" school of thought. We are mothers, not verbal punchbags. We are not some safe space to unleash all negative emotions upon. Sure, he's suffering, but the ABSOLUTE FUCKING BASELINE is to treat the person who has given up so much for you and is enabling your easy, comfortable life with consideration and respect. Sure, listen to him, try to help him engage support, but abuse? You've crossed the line buster.

And the way he speaks to his mum is abuse. And the way he’ll continue to behave to women will also be… abuse.

This. This is what you do when he deigns to come back to your house.

I did have similar with one of my children. When there has been abuse in the domestic relationship you do have to carry your responsibility for that. You see you are doing the child a service - other people will not tolerate it or get upset. They put in consequences - which can involve losing a job, losing a relationship or even worse. Part of raising a teen is to say to them “the world will not revolve around you and your needs”, such that they understand behaving like this tends to hurt them in the end. Abusers never learn that of course; they are just entitled.

We are human so imperfect by definition, including as parents. I say that because I'm not trying to have a go. I guess there is a chance that what I wanted to type below might be useful...

I wouldn't tell my kids to "speak to my properly" because those words would function as escalating the argument. I try not to tell them what to do because ordering someone around who is angry at you, just escalates things.

I have found it doesn't seem to escalate things to at least partly communicate how I feel and more importantly, point out facts that matter to THEM, so a more productive response (to OP's starter sitiuation, the convo in OP) would be saying something, with some emotion, like "I wouldn't speak to you like that so why do you think it's ok to say that to me?"

And if things still escalate I'd want to move to "I hope we can have a nicer conversation later" and walk away, to shut down the bad moment. It's a waste of my time to be their punching bag, anyway.

They are allowed to be grumpy, heck they are allowed to hate me (hopefully won't be forever), but I won't facilitate opportunity to be abusive.

With teens, young adults, I believe it helps to remind them of what they believe, what they care about, to help nudge them towards better decisions. Throw in comments in the right kinds of moment, about how they deserve a good life if they are struggling with poor self-esteem. Low self-esteem is root of many bad decisions.

It’s interesting how many parents on MN have zero idea how to discipline their children. Lots of lovely well meaning people raising rude entitled kids because they’re terrified of traumatising them with clear boundaries and consequences.

To be clear, I’m not talking about hitting. I would never advocate violence. Or yelling, or any such nonsense. Just discipline and consequences.

I suspect the issue is that previous generations of many (not all) families in the U.K. ONLY employed physical punishment and/or threats as consequences. So, when you remove those options, their kids (the most recent couple of generations of parents) are flailing and have no idea what to replace them with when raising their own families.

I have a child with both and a painful chronic illness.
She doesn't behave like this. Not an excuse

Meant to rephrase it as would have said "no child of mine would behave like that and get away with it." It's easy to judge from the outside . I did (at least questioned why) . Thankfully silently. I until you get a child like it and know what effort you have put in, and how school can make it worse. And what ADHD and autism do.

So it’s perfectly acceptable for a teenager to speak to their mother in that way? I stand in my child’s playground and watch 8 year olds punch their mothers on a regular basis. They drop to their knees and calmly tell them not to. Guess what? They do it again the following morning, and the morning after that and no, there isn’t any extra needs, just unruly children.
Absolutely no way would that happen with mine.

That's because wiping a child clean off their feet is abuse.

You'd punish a disabled child for being disabled?

(To be fair I would have said the same before I had a disabled teen and know that we were working very hard on behaviour management from toddler hood as an experienced nursery and KS1 teacher)

Sadly it doesn't work with ND kids. Need a different approach to raise them to self regulate.

Yes but you can’t say that on here… cuddles and a podcast about feelings are the way forward!

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Did you do a thread a little while ago? I seem to remember a similar dynamic.

Adding:
Praise the good behaviour. Praise him when he tries to self regulate or tries to communicate. Model good ways of communicating. Apologise when you get it wrong. (My kid is now better at this than I am, I still take longer to come out an autistic meltdown and had no guidance on self regulation as a kid/teen it was behave or else and a very dysregulated autistic dad, who had no guidance as a teen as he was orphaned)

Good luck.

Sorry but I’d have wiped my child clean off their feet if they spoke to me in that way. Disgusting.

He's autistic and a teenager. Teens are notoriously stroppy. Autistic kids can be worse as the emotions are less well regulated and he is male growing up around abuse from your ex and has just come back from ex's. He has ADHD and is impulsive. It's perfectly understandable that he's done this. Doesn't make it right but this is a long game and you have to keep working on it.

He was going to be dysregulated when he came back. Not the time to talk to him. (Think how you contributed to the dysregulation/escalation as it makes life better for you both and helps him to learn to regulate his emotions and communicate ) You will need to get him to the point he can say he needs quiet right now could he talk to you later. You need to be able to hear that and respect it. It's difficult. Keep pushing and you will trigger a meltdown. (Possibly displayed by the language he showed )

Sadly, neither is it going to be effective to talk to him while he is angry dysregulated. A couple of hours later is best. Ask him how he thinks you felt? He might not remember though as a brain in full meltdown has disengaged from the rational part and is relying on the emotional part and doesn't make memories just feels and reacts. )(sorry, can't remember how the neurodevelopmental team described it more accurately)

Please don't worry too much. It's going to be tough couple of years but it doesn't mean he is going to turn out shit. Keep talking to him. It's hard work trying to teach them to regulate their emotions.

Ask him what he needs to re regulate when he gets home. He might need an hour on his phone sat in the hall without interrupting. You are aiming to get him to take responsibility for his own emotional regulation but he will need support for a few years yet.

Please don't try to parent him as if he was neurotypical. It won't work. Just makes things more dysregulated. Do reflect and see what goes well and what doesn't. What triggers a meltdown and what prevents. Can you and he spot the signs of a developing meltdown? Do you know how to stop it tripping over into a full blown meltdown? You have to parent the child you have. Back to the good old behaviour is communication. And you have to live them despite the behaviour. They can be really sensitive little flowers in a roaring lion body with surging hormones.

Ask on the sen chat board for advice. Lots of experienced parents of ND kids.

(Single parent of autistic older teens, co parent misogynistic.)

I’m sorry you were spoken to like that. If it were me I would be tiring the Wi-Fi off and confiscating the phone. When he kicks off ignore it and if he says why does dad get to speak to you like that I’d be saying h does not that’s why we are not together. Reaffirm you love him no matter what but that doesn’t mean you will be verbally abused. I worried about this with my son for a while until his dad stopped seeing him, I was aware if we don’t mitigate the lessons they get from their father we set them up to become men like their fathers. It’s hard and unfair you have my sympathy

Adhd is a near universal diagnosis for young men with unpleasant behaviours now. If everyone is disordered it's not really a disorder it's a norm that needs to be tackled. Through the instinctive association of nasty consequences.

In my son’s case (which is not uncommon in ADHD/ ASD) he is extremely well behaved most of the time and absolutely NEVER acts out at school (he’s a prefect, spends a lot of time supporting other disabled kids, he’s a coach and regular swimmer at his swimming club) or anywhere else except at home with me and my husband because (to paraphrase) it’s his safe space to vent. If we “gave him a shock” it would only serve to undermine our relationship and hurt him more than he already is hurting. It’s just cruel and unhelpful. My husband actually did try this approach (with shouting never hitting) early on and it caused immediate and uncontrollable escalation- he was only 13 at that time but very tall and strong so we knew that wouldn’t work long term and have had lots of professional support to get to a much better place now - he’s 15 and the non violent resistance training (all about parental responses really) has been life changing ❤️

Having read the thread I agree with what you and others have said about your son’s behaviour being learned behaviour. And I’m not making his behaviour ok by saying this. But another thing to take into consideration with our ND kids is they take their shit times/confusing times and I say confusing because he’s trying to navigate his parents separation. They take situations like this out on the one they trust the most, and that’s clearly you OP. Not excusing it and you do have to put your own boundaries in place. But ultimately he’s grown up watching his dad treat you this way. But you’ve been his constant, the one that’s tired to teach him otherwise, the right way. 14 is a tricky age, his body going through puberty but also ND people are mentally younger and typically take longer to process. I wouldn’t send him off to his dads. I’d carry on putting your boundaries in place and also carry on being his constant. He’ll eventually learn that you’re the one he can trust. Sending you strength. It’s tough being the reliable/default parent

OP, is there a male in his life he looks up to who would help? A coach, teacher, grandfather?

He’s been modelled a horrible version of manhood by his dad, is there anyone who could spend some time with him and demonstrate more respectful behaviour toward women? And yes, someone who can also tell him how wrong it is to swear at his mother and call her names.

The best way to react is simply to say um
sorry you feel that way because id never say that about you. I love you and all who you are. I understand you’re upset, hurt, confused and angry but I’ll always be here for you.,then do t react. And repeat as needed.

he’s young. He’s reacting. He’s angry and confused. He doesn’t mean it

This is not a supportive comment. OP is not “allowing” him speak to her like that. He has come out with hurtful aggressive phrases and she is seeking help on how to tackle it. As you know, ASD and ADHD present differently in every individual, so just because this situation would not happen in your setting doesn’t mean it’s down to a weakness in how OP manages her son.