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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this inheritance set up unreasonable?

134 replies

Burntt · 21/11/2025 16:34

Couple have been together 8 years.

Thinking of buying a house together/getting married. Blended family and need to have the wills discussion before financial entanglement.

Person A. 2 kids from previous relationship. One is disabled meaning they can’t really work anymore now a full time carer. Kids primary age.

Person B. 2 children from previous relationship now teenagers. Well paid job.

One shared child.

Person A owns a property and will rent it out for some income but it’s pennies compared to person B salary.

The new house will be both on the deeds and eventually spilt evenly between all children in the wills.

Other parent of children B also a high earner and has no other children. While we cannot know how that will go it’s likely children B will inherit well from both parents. Children A will get nothing from their other parent.

The question is about person A property and inheritance likely to come from grandparents.

Person B thinks the rental and both sets of inheritance should be split equally between all children in the wills. Person A would likely use inheritance to get a second rental and the rent would be joint money but once A is dead both rentals divide by 3 children (2 previous and shared child).

I’d like some outside perspective without having to talk money with friends and family.

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 22/11/2025 01:58

Nope person A property and inheritance should be split between their previous children and the joint child. Person Bs stuff should be split the same way. It’s unfortunate if one persons family or ex partner can contribute but that’s life.

and I also wouldn’t merge households sorry, you will lose everything living with this man. You don’t know that I’n a years time you won’t split and you’ll lose everything. Stay in your house with your benefits and everything included.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/11/2025 01:56

You should buy your house together as tenants in common (each holding 50% share) rather than joint tenants, that way you can each leave to your children. If you are joint tenants yoyr share will pass to tge other joint tenant. You could give right of occupancy to each other if you feel necessary.

AllosaurusMum · 22/11/2025 01:49

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:19

That’s fair. He’s generous with maintenance in the fact he pays more than CMS calculators say he should. He does this because he knows my ex hardly pays and he loves my kids.

BUT I feel the need to defend myself and say he pays less than he would pay for half of full time childcare for our shared child. When our shared child was a baby I did all the nights and he didn’t have him as he couldn’t worth work now child is older he will have him overnight but it’s me who deals with sick bugs and all the admin. I absolutely have facilitated him keeping the well paid job. Even when we were living together previously I had step kids when they were sick or dropped off forgotten items to their mum etc so he didn’t have to disrupt work

He’s generous with maintenance in the fact he pays more than CMS calculators say he should

Is he paying twice that amount to his ex to care for his older children, or is he already screwing over his older kids too benefit your older kids?

HeddaGarbled · 21/11/2025 23:23

I’d make equal small bequests to the children but the bulk to my surviving spouse.

If I’m the surviving spouse, I’d leave an equal split to the children.

Happyjoe · 21/11/2025 23:14

Isn't it all irrelevant? If someone dies it goes to the spouse, no? Who is to say that they will honour the children in the will when they are not their own? For sure, make a will but I think it all boils down to the survivor and what they chose to do later down the line.

Burntt · 21/11/2025 23:01

MoonKiss · 21/11/2025 22:47

Are there grandparents on your step kids side, from either your OH or his ex wife?

Yes two sets and they are the only grandchildren in the family. I’m not sure on their maternal grandparents but I know they are home owners. My kids just have my parents, they do have paternal grandparents but they don’t have assets are social housing tenants on benefits and sadly don’t have a relationship with them beyond Christmas and birthday cards. There are also something like 16 grandchildren on the dads

OP posts:
Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:53

Tiswa · 21/11/2025 22:39

If living together last time didn’t work what has changed?

my son was 1 when we met and his disability hadn’t stopped me working. It all came to a head when we had moved in. Covid hit at the same time his job is medical so he worked right through long hours and we took the financial hit of me stopping work. Before we understood my son’s disability it was absolute hell, he was smearing poo and extremely challenging. I was pregnant and overwhelmed and he was overwhelmed.

my son is still very high needs but we know how to support him now. He has his diagnosis I can get carer allowance and DLA for him. We have been to councilling and processed a lot. It was really hard on B. He loves my kids he has been amazing but from his side he had to really step up in those days while the child’s own father spent all his energy being difficult and abusive. Now ex has dumped his disabled child we don’t have that stress. Money we can budget for before buying a house. And I’m not pregnant our shared child is almost school age now

OP posts:
MoonKiss · 21/11/2025 22:47

Are there grandparents on your step kids side, from either your OH or his ex wife?

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:44

MoonKiss · 21/11/2025 22:25

You need to work out if you’re putting roughly an equal amount into the house, long term. If you are then it’s only fair to split your estates equally between all the kids.

However, I do think inheritance from grandparents on both sides should only go to biological grandchildren.

He will be putting far more into shared house. But with inheritance (which is never garenteed) my parents have more.

and I’m almost ashamed to say this because I feel such shame living in benifit but if we don’t merge because I’m a carer and have a disabled child we have UC which I lose if we merge. I will also loose the maintenance obviously so for me financially it’s not much different. I live in half what I used to get working either way. My kids will loose uni funding so they may be worse off in that seance but my non disabled child will benefit as I will have someone fit to cover me taking her to clubs and play dates etc that she cannot access now due to her brothers needs and only me to meet them

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 21/11/2025 22:40

You care share household expenses (including what you do at home to facilitate his work and home including perhaps being compensated) without mixing what you plan to pass on to your kids. I would talk to an estate planner, this is probably beyond our pay grade.

Personally I would be giving the disabled child a bigger share. This is what my relative is doing, although there's no steps involved. Of course there's not just one right way to do things.

Tiswa · 21/11/2025 22:39

If living together last time didn’t work what has changed?

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:33

FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:16

But it sounds as if B has always supported your children, as well as his own, but you want to financially disadvantage his children in his will on the basis that your ex won’t provide for them.

If all the children are treated equally, then your disabled child is likely to have four supportive siblings/step siblings once you and B are dead. Treat them differently and they will resent one another and then your disabled child could easily be alone and even more vulnerable.

Yes and no. He did for about a year when we lived together and I had to stop work. When I was working he didn’t pay for my kids I did- but once I became a carer he supported us for a year ish. His earnings meant I didn’t qualify for any benefits not even child benefits so he had to support us. It was during Covid, I’m self employed but had employee on furlough. I was fucked financially that year. But that was him paying for the bills we split up because I had nothing to fund my car or see friends for coffee etc we were living based on two incomes then everything imploded. Now my child gets DLA as we know the reality of his life and I know what I’m dealing with caring for him, initially we had no clue what was going on it was scary. I can get carer allowance regardless of B earning and we will plan a joint home based on the income we know we have with my limitations re work.

yes he pays more than CMS in maintenance while we have lived separately and I use it for all the kids but I would NEVER of had another child if I’d known how disabled ds would be. Our shared child was planned and actually more his idea than mine. He should support his child.

OP posts:
OneAmberFinch · 21/11/2025 22:29

I guess I’m just insecure because ultimately the maths works out similar no matter which way we slice it for step kids but my disabled child won’t have enough for a property if I split my parents money 5 ways.

Have you shown him the maths for the different scenarios, and how it affects the different children? It may be that he thinks his kids will really miss out financially but the effect is not that much.

Not just the inheritance scenarios but also things like funding DC1 through uni. Who knows, maybe he's planning to pay towards DC1...

DoYouReally · 21/11/2025 22:27

If I was B (also not sure why A&B used when you are clearly A), there's no way I would get married.

MoonKiss · 21/11/2025 22:25

You need to work out if you’re putting roughly an equal amount into the house, long term. If you are then it’s only fair to split your estates equally between all the kids.

However, I do think inheritance from grandparents on both sides should only go to biological grandchildren.

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:19

FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:05

But he is also giving her a maintenance to do that. B could just put the child into a nursery or wraparound care. It’s very likely that B is financially allowing A to be the carer of her disabled child and their shared child is looked after by default because she couldn’t work anyway.

That’s fair. He’s generous with maintenance in the fact he pays more than CMS calculators say he should. He does this because he knows my ex hardly pays and he loves my kids.

BUT I feel the need to defend myself and say he pays less than he would pay for half of full time childcare for our shared child. When our shared child was a baby I did all the nights and he didn’t have him as he couldn’t worth work now child is older he will have him overnight but it’s me who deals with sick bugs and all the admin. I absolutely have facilitated him keeping the well paid job. Even when we were living together previously I had step kids when they were sick or dropped off forgotten items to their mum etc so he didn’t have to disrupt work

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:16

But it sounds as if B has always supported your children, as well as his own, but you want to financially disadvantage his children in his will on the basis that your ex won’t provide for them.

If all the children are treated equally, then your disabled child is likely to have four supportive siblings/step siblings once you and B are dead. Treat them differently and they will resent one another and then your disabled child could easily be alone and even more vulnerable.

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:12

FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:04

But it’s not B’s children’s fault that your ex won’t provide for the children you jointly had together and for all your know he could win the lottery, die without a will and leave them a fortune.

No I agree it’s not B kids fault my ex is nasty.

he can’t stand that he has a disabled child. He dumped him as soon as the diagnosis started coming he won’t leave him anything. He’s got a new family and pays the minimum maintenance he can because I went through CMS. He works part time and lives off his new woman like he used to live off me. Maybe he will win the lottery but he won’t share that with his son.

it’s why I wanted to ask others opinion. I desperately want all kids to get a fair deal while simultaneously fretting for my kids particularly my disabled kiddo because he’s only got me who really fights for and cares for him. I worry I’m putting my happiness and want for a family home above my sons future because

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:05

drspouse · 21/11/2025 21:44

She's facilitating him continuing to earn well, though, by caring for their joint child.

But he is also giving her a maintenance to do that. B could just put the child into a nursery or wraparound care. It’s very likely that B is financially allowing A to be the carer of her disabled child and their shared child is looked after by default because she couldn’t work anyway.

Burntt · 21/11/2025 22:05

Having a disabled child complicated it. I can’t work anymore because of it. B has seen first hand the hardships my son has faced. He’s not got a school place he’s being denied a decent life because the support for kids like him just isn’t there. It’s just luck of the draw what kids you get. I worked full time and supported myself, when we met I had assests and he did not. Then we moved in together and I had to quit work to care. The stress of that time with everything that was happening broke us and we split. Time has passed and now we know the reality of life with a disabled child I’ve had a lot to come to terms with for my and my child’s future. It’s been hard for B to watch what my child has gone through too, unless you have a disabled child you honestly can’t understand how it rips you life apart.

B kids are smart and capable and will be supported through uni. They can forge their path in life. My non disabled child also smart and capable but I won’t be able to fund through uni. Disabled child we just don’t know but if he can live independently that will be an achievement he’s not going to earn well or build his own assests. That’s why I feel awkward sharing my parents inheritance with the step kids, if I do there isn’t enough to set my disabled son up and if I don’t then step kids still will have enough. If we don’t merge financially then my kids will be in the same situation financially short term but will get bursary for uni as low income.

I guess I’m just insecure because ultimately the maths works out similar no matter which way we slice it for step kids but my disabled child won’t have enough for a property if I split my parents money 5 ways. I know B he’s not a saver and he likely won’t invest his inheritance in property, likely home improvements though which do benefit everyone. Yes we get to live in a bigger nicer house but I then have to clean that (which I hate) and it’s not more space really when it’s got double the number of people in it

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 22:04

Burntt · 21/11/2025 21:38

That’s an opinion. And I wanted opinions so not upset. but I disagree that B kids are second best. They are great kids. I do love them but I haven’t raised them, we have lived together previously and I did the cooking washing etc etc, played board games and been in holidays etc while working full time like their dad did but I work from home so took in the house stuff. But they have a great mum there isn’t a void to fill and I met them when they were older we have a more friendly relationship. My kids have an abusive father and have known B since their toddlerhood while I’ve always kept the boundaries that he’s not their dad as not to confuse my kids if we didn’t work out just the fact that he’s been about and safe and steady has formed a bond.

But it’s not B’s children’s fault that your ex won’t provide for the children you jointly had together and for all your know he could win the lottery, die without a will and leave them a fortune.

drspouse · 21/11/2025 21:44

Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/11/2025 20:46

A isn't facilitating B earning well. He already did that.

She's facilitating him continuing to earn well, though, by caring for their joint child.

Burntt · 21/11/2025 21:38

TheGiantBear · 21/11/2025 21:26

Poor B, poor B’s children - clearly second best emotionally and now losing out financially too. I imagine their mother is aghast at A’s negative effect on her children’s future.
B must be really gullible.

That’s an opinion. And I wanted opinions so not upset. but I disagree that B kids are second best. They are great kids. I do love them but I haven’t raised them, we have lived together previously and I did the cooking washing etc etc, played board games and been in holidays etc while working full time like their dad did but I work from home so took in the house stuff. But they have a great mum there isn’t a void to fill and I met them when they were older we have a more friendly relationship. My kids have an abusive father and have known B since their toddlerhood while I’ve always kept the boundaries that he’s not their dad as not to confuse my kids if we didn’t work out just the fact that he’s been about and safe and steady has formed a bond.

OP posts:
OneAmberFinch · 21/11/2025 21:37

Burntt · 21/11/2025 21:27

About equal from both. A equity and B savings. But the ongoing mortgage will be mostly B as he earns 5 times what A earns

So just to clarify, A will do an equity release or something on the current property? I understood A would sell her house.

I don't think it's reasonable to consider stuff like A's kids being really bonded to B, but I do think the actual numbers probably matter and you're not mad to want to protect your DC's position given your limited earning power in future.

I think the actual numbers matter though. For example you could be the only daughter of the lord of the manor and the property you'll inherit is worth £10M, so B's higher earnings of £50k a year going into a mortgage of £400k won't even be material. Then B would be the fortune hunter ;)

However it seems plausible that right now, your DC are better off inheriting directly from you, but over time, as B pays off the shared house, even a 1/5 split of all the properties will leave them better off than a 1/3 split of just your property.

If so, it might be worth calculating it with the numbers you have, and seeing how far away in the future that "cutover" point is....

titchy · 21/11/2025 21:32

You need to get specialist advice given there is a child with disabilities in the mix. Inheriting may mean that child won’t qualify for welfare support as an adult, and they may need something put into trust to ensure they have access to supported housing or similar if they need that.

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