Is this inheritance set up unreasonable?

Burntt · 2025-11-21T16:34:15+00:00

Couple have been together 8 years. Thinking of buying a house together/getting married. Blended family and need to have the wills discussion before financial entanglement. Person A. 2 kids from previous relationship. One is disabled meaning they can’t really work anymore now a full time carer. Kids primary age. Person B. 2 children from previous relationship now teenagers. Well paid job. One shared child. Person A owns a property and will rent it out for some income but it’s pennies compared to person B salary. The new house will be both on the deeds and eventually spilt evenly between all children in the wills. Other parent of children B also a high earner and has no other children. While we cannot know how that will go it’s likely children B will inherit well from both parents. Children A will get nothing from their other parent. The question is about person A property and inheritance likely to come from grandparents. Person B thinks the rental and both sets of inheritance should be split equally between all children in the wills. Person A would likely use inheritance to get a second rental and the rent would be joint money but once A is dead both rentals divide by 3 children (2 previous and shared child). I’d like some outside perspective without having to talk money with friends and family.

UnbeatenMum · 22/11/2025 19:30

There's probably a middle ground here. You could give some of your parents' inheritance straight to your children using a variation (or set up a trust for your middle child). Or you could split your shared house and rental house 5 ways but not whatever you buy with the inheritance. He could support your children through Uni as they would otherwise have been eligible for the full loan and bursaries.

weisatted · 22/11/2025 17:17

I don’t want his money; if we are to live together as he wants then I will need him to pay for that house. I’m no better off either way really it’s him supporting me or UC but because my parents have more money than his my children get less if we split inheritance 5 ways. His children would benifit from an equal split.

It depends on the precise numbers but if he pays for the house you all live in and then leaves it equally to all of the children, that is essentially him leaving some of his money to your children.

I think it would be fairer if he bought on his own in his name, you can live there with him if you both want but he then leaves that house to his children (including your shared child) and you leave your property to your children (shared child again included)

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 17:07

I don’t get why though inheritance on either side should go to the others children though only joint assets would be split?

the house should definitely be fixed if they do as tenants in common so each keep there assets

PumpkinPieAlibi · 22/11/2025 16:58

OP is listing every possible reason why her kids should inherit more. Her dd's university fees and her own dynamic with her parents, her son's disability (understandably) and her SC's potential future inheritance. It's quite clear she thinks her children are more deserving of getting more and that's fine if she wants to ringfence her assets for her children. That makes sense.

But it is absolutely entitled and myopic to not see how this will affect SC and to expect that the shared house should be shared equally, when the SC's dad will be the one paying for the vast majority of it.

Live separately OP. Keep your benefits and ensure your children get your assets. Let your partner buy a house for his children that they and only they, will inherit. You cannot squirrel away everything for your children only.

weisatted · 22/11/2025 16:05

This is a slight oversimplification but it seems to boil down to:

He has a much higher income which you and your children will benefit from

You have more assets which you want his children not to benefit from

This doesn't seem very fair

Livpool · 22/11/2025 16:01

As B is subsidising OP being at home and her children too then I think B’s idea to split is more fair.

EDIT

Just seen OP’s updates and I don’t think they should move in together. Resentment will end this relationship

the7Vabo · 22/11/2025 15:53

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/11/2025 15:07

You don’t have the same approach to finances and that’s a huge issue for a couple. You need to have the same goals and approach to problems.

And you are the more vulnerable in this situation. If it all goes wrong he will be no worse off. You can’t say the same as you found out last time. I mean, FFS, he had to go to counselling to understand that you were burning through your savings and still couldn’t afford a coffee with your mates.

You living together financially seems lose lose. He wouldn’t have been so broke the last time if he’d be living on his own, and you could have accessed state support for you & DS. Then he could have had lunch out etc without arguments.

I do think that you aren’t considering his kids enough, particularly when you are concerned about DD uni & how inheritance needs to make it up to her when compared to two children who have different parents. Your financial circumstances are not your fault and you have most certainly had it very hard. It would be naive to think that his kids will have no emotions about your assets being ring fenced and his being shared. And you’ve only outlined how your DD might feel in light of your own life experience. The other two are almost written off as they’ll be fine when they get uni support whereas that is far from a guarantee of anything.

It’s very difficult to know what’s “fair” because it’s clearly a very complicated situation.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/11/2025 15:07

You don’t have the same approach to finances and that’s a huge issue for a couple. You need to have the same goals and approach to problems.

And you are the more vulnerable in this situation. If it all goes wrong he will be no worse off. You can’t say the same as you found out last time. I mean, FFS, he had to go to counselling to understand that you were burning through your savings and still couldn’t afford a coffee with your mates.

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 14:25

Truthfully @Burntt it doesn’t sound as if either of you are ready for this there is still so much to sort and sacrifices to make on both sides

Original poster

Burntt · 22/11/2025 13:05

yeesh · 22/11/2025 11:22

So he has no money or assets and will likely spend any inheritance he gets? You have assets and no way of earning enough to get them again? You would be mad to marry him and give away half as well as being able to claim UC etc. if he didn’t share money with you last time why do you think he would now?

How would your parents react if they knew you would be giving away their money to your boyfriend’s children? My sister is in a similar situation and my parents have said they will disinherit her if she marries as they want their money to go to her children not others.

That is the basics of it but it sounds a bit harsh. He has no assets because he left the family home for his ex then continued to pay her mortgage for a few years. I do think he should save more it’s madness to me not to squirrel away money for the future but he’s always had money and would rather enjoy his life now and spend it on the kids. He has a very good pension so if he never bought a house he would still be ok.

he wasn’t financially abusive. He didn’t share his money with me when we lived together previously because we rented a house and had a lifestyle that relied on both of us working. I then had to stop work and he took on all the bills but unless he stopped paying for his older kids there wasn’t enough left to pay for my car or anything disposable for me. It broke us because he had never lived with no spare money like that I resented he was still buying lunch at work and coffees etc while I ate through all my savings and lost everything I’d worked for. We have done counselling, he hadn’t considered that it was his income that kept me from getting UC and child benefits back then. All he could see was suddenly I wasn’t contributing and he had less money. now know if we are to live together I need access to funds. We sat down did a spreadsheet and I evidenced I live on very little spare money and how much I would be loosening if we buy together. He understands now and also we will be buying a house we can afford on just his salary not relying on my income too like before.

i was really angry for a long time he couldn’t see I’d like a coffee with friends too and he and he was upset I left him and took my son who he loves. But it was Covid year, I’d moved across country for his job and as he works in a hospital he was out such long hours working all the way through that and I had to move home for my family support I wasn’t coping. We understand each others side of it now and things are much more settled with my boy. Also we won’t be moving away from my support system and there isn’t a pandemic keeping me from making new friends

OP posts:

Original poster

Burntt · 22/11/2025 12:48

CatherinedeBourgh · 22/11/2025 12:21

I think that in trying to do right by your dc you are losing perspective on your step dc a little bit.

Realistically, you talk about the benefits to you and your dd of having them around, but aren't acknowledging that they will lose out too, in the same way your dd does. They will have to adapt to the restrictions imposed by your disabled dc, and will lose out on their father's time and attention if he is more available to you and your dc.

If on top of that they end up losing financially, they would have to be saints to not feel at least a little resentment.

If you want to foster the spirit of 'we are all one family, and we all gain and lose equally by being together' then you have to make sure that that really is the case. I get that you feel like your responsibility is to your dc and they have a good mum whose responsibility they are, but you need to change that mindset if you are going to make it work for everyone.

Or you could just keep things separate, and have a nice but more distant relationship with all. It's a perfectly valid option. What isn't valid is to make changes so that you and your dc are no worse off (financially and practically) but they are.

Thank you that’s a good point. My sons needs do tend to dominate and that will have an impact on their time with their dad. We planned on his weekend with is older kids I would be responsible for my kids and our shared toddler so they can do teen stuff and go places you cannot go with a toddler and high need disabled kid. But the dynamic in the home needs careful thinking over too so I’m grateful for the point thank you. Maybe we wait a couple more years till they are off to uni or something

OP posts:

Original poster

Burntt · 22/11/2025 12:42

BIossomtoes · 22/11/2025 10:52

I’m seriously wondering what B gets out of this relationship.

Do you only value money in a partner then? Conversation companionship humor shared responsibility for children and housework as a team all mean nothing if one partner isn’t paying in as much?

Do you feel the state should provide school places to disabled children to ensure their parents can work or is that taking the piss too? Because I’m in this situation because there is no help for my disabled child. I was working and contributing fine until the disability lost him his school place so I lost the ability to work. Do you have children who can attend school? Are you taking the piss by relying on that for childcare while you work? I have been fucked by circumstance and no provision for my child. B has been actively involved in this child life since he was 1, at one time living together and he loves him like his own children. While we are not officially together and not living together he still will ask for contact with this child because he misses him and loves him. He spends an evening a week with him at least- that’s time with my son I make use of the childcare and give my dd my time.

is it so absurd that a man can want to be with a woman because he loves HER or is money the only love language? Is it so ridiculous that having stepped into the father role for a child because you love him and want to spend time and can see his own father washing his hands because he doesn’t want a for a son you then miss that child and want to work in the issues that led you to split up in the first place?

as I said I don’t want his money. I just don’t want my children being disadvantaged by his income blocking them from child benefits and financial support through uni - then when their mother finally has money from inheritance having that split between them and step siblings who were financially supported much better all their lives and through uni and almost certainly beyond because B is such a generous man like that.

B will likely agree to my initial suggestion or be happy with his initial thoughts if I come back saying yeah I’ve changed my mind. I just wanted peoples opinions on what is reasonable from an outside perspective. I don’t need telling I’m not worth being with because of the financial impact having a disabled child has had.

OP posts:

BIossomtoes · 22/11/2025 12:26

yeesh · 22/11/2025 11:22

So he has no money or assets and will likely spend any inheritance he gets? You have assets and no way of earning enough to get them again? You would be mad to marry him and give away half as well as being able to claim UC etc. if he didn’t share money with you last time why do you think he would now?

How would your parents react if they knew you would be giving away their money to your boyfriend’s children? My sister is in a similar situation and my parents have said they will disinherit her if she marries as they want their money to go to her children not others.

Fortunately my parents weren’t like this. They knew we will split our estate equally between my one child and my bloke’s three. My son says if we did it any other way he’d equalise it. Not all families are obsessed with “blood”.

CatherinedeBourgh · 22/11/2025 12:21

I think that in trying to do right by your dc you are losing perspective on your step dc a little bit.

Realistically, you talk about the benefits to you and your dd of having them around, but aren't acknowledging that they will lose out too, in the same way your dd does. They will have to adapt to the restrictions imposed by your disabled dc, and will lose out on their father's time and attention if he is more available to you and your dc.

If on top of that they end up losing financially, they would have to be saints to not feel at least a little resentment.

If you want to foster the spirit of 'we are all one family, and we all gain and lose equally by being together' then you have to make sure that that really is the case. I get that you feel like your responsibility is to your dc and they have a good mum whose responsibility they are, but you need to change that mindset if you are going to make it work for everyone.

Or you could just keep things separate, and have a nice but more distant relationship with all. It's a perfectly valid option. What isn't valid is to make changes so that you and your dc are no worse off (financially and practically) but they are.

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 11:37

BIossomtoes · 22/11/2025 10:52

I’m seriously wondering what B gets out of this relationship.

I think that is incredibly harsh I just think the brutal truth is that the OP has to have a different approach to life because of their different circumstances one is asset rich the other is much higher salary for month to month spending

I also think that is wrong as B needs As assets and equity just as much

the real problem is this is so tricky to see a way that everyone can be ok with it

yeesh · 22/11/2025 11:22

So he has no money or assets and will likely spend any inheritance he gets? You have assets and no way of earning enough to get them again? You would be mad to marry him and give away half as well as being able to claim UC etc. if he didn’t share money with you last time why do you think he would now?

How would your parents react if they knew you would be giving away their money to your boyfriend’s children? My sister is in a similar situation and my parents have said they will disinherit her if she marries as they want their money to go to her children not others.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/11/2025 11:10

I would think you both just leave money to your own children (three each). Will some of it initially go to the surviving spouse? Or at least the right to live in the joint home?

Or you decide it's all joint money it all goes to the surviving spouse and is then divided 5 ways after A and B are both gone.

What other money any of the children may or may not get is irrelevant really. Some of them may be well off in their own right by then or some may have children of their own you can't try to predict all of their circumstances in the future.

FuzzyWolf · 22/11/2025 10:57

I don’t think there is a way for both of you to do what you feel is fair or expected for your children.

I wouldn’t marry or move in together. Keep finances separate and then have completely separate wills doing what you want with your own money. It means whoever dies first won’t inherit or have any protection from the other one (this seems to really only impact you financially) but it also means you will both die knowing that what you want to happen to your money, is what will happen to it.

If you stay together, you can still spend plenty of time together split between your properties. B can pay for his children to go to university and you can keep your house and benefits. B will be disproportionately better off financially that you for the rest of his life, although he sounds like the kind of man who will help you out anyway but when he dies. However, it will be his children who will benefit from that.

BIossomtoes · 22/11/2025 10:52

I’m seriously wondering what B gets out of this relationship.

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 10:49

millymollymoomoo · 22/11/2025 10:43

Seems very much a case of what’s yours is yours and what’s his us also yours

you want to keep your house, but him to buy a new one and pay for it but then it’s equally yours and you want your children basically get more. I’d never accept that if I was b

I disagree I think it is two people whose priorities have to be different - B wants to live his life - leave something to his children if he can but is working on the assumption they will be ok

OP has to make sure her child is looked after when she has gone and for the longer term future because she needs to

and balancing out that is going to be tricky and will need proper advice and communication

marriage/joint tenancy may not be the right thing either care fees could eat it up and whereas that is fine for B OP not so much

millymollymoomoo · 22/11/2025 10:43

Seems very much a case of what’s yours is yours and what’s his us also yours

you want to keep your house, but him to buy a new one and pay for it but then it’s equally yours and you want your children basically get more. I’d never accept that if I was b

Original poster

Burntt · 22/11/2025 10:04

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 09:56

This is so difficult and I think really hard to properly get what is fair in this situation and the impact marriage will have - there are positives and negatives for both of you for that

one thing I do wonder is if actually given your DS care needs your parents shouldn’t think about actually putting into trust their income directly for your children so that is protected because I think sharing that is unfair.

I really don’t know I think you both need individual and joint legal and financial advice about how to proceed

Yeah I am beginning to think this. Best senario is I don’t inherit anything and it jumps strait to my kids. Trouble is B expects to use his inheritance as a joint asset, he isn’t one to save he likes to live a good life so while I’m sure I can get him to leave his parents money just to his kids the likelihood is he will have spent a chunk of it on the family home/holidays etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Burntt · 22/11/2025 09:58

DurinsBane · 22/11/2025 08:49

You have mentioned uni a couple of times. Just thought I would say that if you lived together your BFs earnings would be counted for the kids maintenance loans. If he earns an amount to stop you getting child benefit as you said, uni maintenance loan will only be 4.5k a year. Halls rent alone will probably be double that a year.

Yeah that’s why I mention uni. He plans to pay his kids rent through uni as his parents did for him. I won’t be able to afford to do that for my dd and yet she will get the lowest loan because her step dad has a 6 figure salary. Im no stranger to poverty, i had no family support through uni, it meant I had to go to a local uni after working a few years and missed half the experience because I was so poor. I worked like mad and saved like mad to buy my house then married a financially abusive man, then all my spare money went to legal fees of the divorce and child arrangements. When I moved in with my youngest dad we had a few good months then I had to stop work and had no money and he didn’t share his money only paid for the house as our budget was based on us both earning. I’m fine with poverty I love family and company and value safety and security more than things and experiences. I am never going to earn well ever again my parents money is all my dd was going to get from me. It just a fact she needs to do uni and set herself up in life because no one else can help her. She’s primary age and may not even want to go uni! Perhaps that’s why I’m clearly a bit overly protective of her inheritance. B had financially supportive parents growing up and he has clearly benefited from that with a good degree and good job (he works hard that true too!) I have lived a life financially similar to what my dd will live through. My own parents funded/part funded two of my full siblings through uni and my brother will inherit more than the daughters. I was trying to avoid dd feeling as I do about my parents and brother

OP posts:

Tiswa · 22/11/2025 09:56

This is so difficult and I think really hard to properly get what is fair in this situation and the impact marriage will have - there are positives and negatives for both of you for that

one thing I do wonder is if actually given your DS care needs your parents shouldn’t think about actually putting into trust their income directly for your children so that is protected because I think sharing that is unfair.

I really don’t know I think you both need individual and joint legal and financial advice about how to proceed

MrsKateColumbo · 22/11/2025 09:46

If you were paying 50/50 on the mortgage and bills it would be fair to do as you suggested. So if he is going all in from his side then he's expecting you to go all in from yours.

Fwiw I wouldn't blend finances with someone with kids as I rightly want to also keep any money I have for my own dc.