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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say: Women, stop marrying down.

191 replies

MarriedUpMindset · 21/11/2025 15:58

Too many women are marrying men with less ambition, less emotional intelligence, less income or less stability, and calling it “love” or “potential.” Then they carry the emotional labour, the life admin, the income gap, the household mental load and quietly burn out while trying to stay “grateful.”

I’m not saying you need a millionaire. I’m saying stop being the upgrade. Stop settling for men who see your strength and success as something to lean on, not rise to.

You don’t need to mother him, teach him how to communicate or drag him toward adulthood. If he’s not already moving through life with direction, respect and maturity, why are you tying yourself to that?

AIBU to think a lot of women’s relationship problems would disappear overnight if they just stopped marrying down?

OP posts:
Holymolyguacamoledipsandchips · 21/11/2025 16:11

Jugendstiel · 21/11/2025 16:06

Totally agree. I married my equal. Similar education, values, work ethic. he earned way more than me then. I earn more than him now. We both share the load - from child rearing to housework. It's a happy marriage. I remember friends being SO curious as to who this man was that I was prepared to marry - they thought I'd never marry. I just had no desire to until i met a man who was obviously worthwhile.

I think the danger is - many women in their twenties get maternal but don't actually want children yet so they end up mummying a man-boy - doing stuff for him, thinking it's cute when he's a bit scatty or finding it attractive that he has such passionate hobbies. Five years down the line they are saddled with a man who thinks his wife should earn half the money, do all the housework and childcare while he enjoys his weekends cycling, surfing, watching the rugby with his manboy friends. Not saying these hobbies are issues in themselves but they shouldn't take precedence over family life and essential workload at the expense of a woman's health.

DH tried to be a selfish git a few times when we first met. I think women need to set high bars and boundaries. I said: do that again and you will never see me again. So he didn't.

Totally agree. My DH tried not doing the washing up after I’d cooked for him. I’d gone away with work and came back to it still in the sink. I threw a few bits at him. He got the message.

… I’m not so ‘fiery’ now but don’t try and fuck me over, I won’t have it.

Original poster
MarriedUpMindset · 21/11/2025 16:08

Kuretake · 21/11/2025 16:03

But then men need to marry down!

Maybe we could just all treat each other like human beings and not rank each other so crassly?

Marrying down isn’t about ranking human worth, it’s about alignment. If two people aren’t matching in effort, ambition, emotional maturity or stability, the imbalance causes problems later.

OP posts:
NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/11/2025 16:08

bottledboot · 21/11/2025 16:02

Yes but some will have to accept that they may not get married!

Or maybe it will make men realise they need to raise their game if they want a wife!

Enrichetta · 21/11/2025 16:07

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/11/2025 16:01

You may well be right but-just to say shiningly clever woman colleague married a man in a trade. Her parents said it wouldn't last. Married pair complement each other's interests and skills and have been together and mutually supportive for over 40 years.

I wouldn’t consider marrying a tradesman to be ‘marrying down’…

Jugendstiel · 21/11/2025 16:06

Totally agree. I married my equal. Similar education, values, work ethic. he earned way more than me then. I earn more than him now. We both share the load - from child rearing to housework. It's a happy marriage. I remember friends being SO curious as to who this man was that I was prepared to marry - they thought I'd never marry. I just had no desire to until i met a man who was obviously worthwhile.

I think the danger is - many women in their twenties get maternal but don't actually want children yet so they end up mummying a man-boy - doing stuff for him, thinking it's cute when he's a bit scatty or finding it attractive that he has such passionate hobbies. Five years down the line they are saddled with a man who thinks his wife should earn half the money, do all the housework and childcare while he enjoys his weekends cycling, surfing, watching the rugby with his manboy friends. Not saying these hobbies are issues in themselves but they shouldn't take precedence over family life and essential workload at the expense of a woman's health.

DH tried to be a selfish git a few times when we first met. I think women need to set high bars and boundaries. I said: do that again and you will never see me again. So he didn't.

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/11/2025 16:06

True!!

Fimofriend · 21/11/2025 16:06

OP wasn't talking about money. She talks about character.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/11/2025 16:04

I think some people will be uncomfortable with the language but the sentiment is correct. I think we should stop telling women not to be judgey about what men they're open to dating.

Kuretake · 21/11/2025 16:03

But then men need to marry down!

Maybe we could just all treat each other like human beings and not rank each other so crassly?

notahistorytutor · 21/11/2025 16:03

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/11/2025 16:01

You may well be right but-just to say shiningly clever woman colleague married a man in a trade. Her parents said it wouldn't last. Married pair complement each other's interests and skills and have been together and mutually supportive for over 40 years.

TBH, given how much plumbers etc charge, marrying a tradesman might be marrying up!

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 21/11/2025 16:03

We'll call me an old romantic but I happen to believe in a little thing called love. And it can conquer all.

bottledboot · 21/11/2025 16:02

Yes but some will have to accept that they may not get married!

SquirrelosaurusSoShiny · 21/11/2025 16:02

I don't think there are enough men 'up the ladder' for all the women in the world to marry up 😂 Joking aside, in most marriages people bring different skills and attributes to the table.

Overtheatlantic · 21/11/2025 16:01

Amen! Raise your standards.

Sharptonguedwoman · 21/11/2025 16:01

You may well be right but-just to say shiningly clever woman colleague married a man in a trade. Her parents said it wouldn't last. Married pair complement each other's interests and skills and have been together and mutually supportive for over 40 years.

PInkyStarfish · 21/11/2025 16:00

I agree. All the women posting on here about how badly they are treated by their husbands but won’t take any responsibility for their poor choice of partner.