AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

It might not be unusual and in some cases, it may be necessary but in OP's case it would be a choice. They currently have a much more equal setup.

Ah OP, I sympathise, a similar change has just happened to us but due to redundancy so not really an optional change. I am stressed about it though as it means all evenings and mornings will be on me completely, as well as sick days, as you say.

However, I do think if this job is better money and potentially better prospects (I assume) for your DH AND it's actually workable around your own job ie not impacting your hours - which I'm guessing it is if your hours are 9-5 and you only work 20 mins away so you won't have to start late/finish early - I would let him do it.

I would definitely have a chat with him and emphasize the impact on you, impress on him that he likely won't see your DS all week, especially as he grows older and drops naps as he will likely be in bed around 7, but ultimately if he wants to take the job then I'm not sure there's too much you can do without leading to resentment.

I mean it would be complete madness to actually take this job, but I would definitely not ignore the fact that he’s feeling bored and a bit snuck. I’ve been in that position at work (due to balancing with childcare, obviously). And it’s not fun.

Can he speak to his current employers about taking on something new or changing his current role a bit? Is there a hobby that he fancies trying that he could do an evening a week after bedtime? I found that being contented with life overall made me not mind the boredom so much.

My mum did all the parenting in the week as my dad was out 6.30am- 7pm for work. Mum worked but shorter days. I don’t think it’s that unusual is it?

We actually had a similar dilemma recently as my DH who currently has a massively amount of flexibility applied for a job which would have required 5 days in the office and it would have had a big impact on family life, and on me. The salary increase was significant and he is definitely bored in his current role but the trade off really wouldn't be worth it. He's now decided not to apply for anything else until our youngest is at secondary. Basically he is choosing to put his personal aspirations second for a couple of years to support the family as a whole, which I massively appreciate

What is your husbands stance on it all? Is he pushing to accept?

Not in a million years would I agree to this. Any juggling you can currently do would be all on you. Not sure of the age of your children but you are likely to be ensuring that if you end up having more than one that they can’t do hobbies or are dragging children round to siblings hobbies or you are doing all hobbies. School years are much much more challenging for working parents and I can imagine it might be a nicer option to be commuting rather than juggling this.

Also once they are upper junior and senior age it’s rare to do after school clubs and often parents juggle WFH so that kids can get home and watch tv while parents are finishing up. I couldn’t do this on my own.

Dont do it xx

Completely unreasonable of him to consider taking this job and expecting you to be a single parent all week...

I don't see any advantage to taking a job that offers no home working at all, has a much longer commute and won't bring in much more money.

He is perfectly entitled to want to find a new job but he needs to make sure that he finds something that also takes into account your needs and the needs of the family in general.

As a couple of other people have said, if this is important to him then he needs to present you with a fully workable plan to cover his side of the childcare and domestic responsibilities, and I mean a full plan with costing, feasability, recruitment of additional 'staff' (childminder, au pair, babysitter, cleaner etc) which means you are not burdened with anything additional (beyond spending time with your children alone obviously).

He is acting like a single man without children but, fair enough, if this is really important to him then it is up to him to demonstrate how he can make it work, including building in additional time off for you at weekends. It is not for you to show how you can make it work, it is his responsibility 100%

When he presents this plan to you, ask questions such as 'what will happen when children need collecting from school sick', ' what about inset days?' 'what if you're sick yourself?' 'what if you burn out and can't cope' 'what if you want another job' - examine it dispassionately from every angle so you're both aware of what can go wrong. It might also be completely okay though! He might really up his game and get these issues sorted and be happier at work in the meantime (however, I don't know why anyone would choose full time office work these days!)

From today, until he makes a decision about the job……… he does all pick ups and drops off to childcare, he does everything with the kids, he makes breakfast and dinner for everyone, he does all household tasks between 7.30am until 7pm. You don’t have to go out, but you can sit out of any childcare or household jobs while he does it all single-handedly.

He only considers taking the job if he thinks it was totally fine for one person to do all of it on their own long-term.

And if he won’t even agree to it for a week or two, then why on earth does he think it should be your life 52 weeks of the year.

What you have now is very workable and 'comfortable' for both of you, by which I don't mean financially. That set up is invaluable for quality of life and wellbeing. I would suggest telling him this new job offer is a very bad bargain for the sake of slight extra pounds overall: committing to a life of 12 + hour days of working and commuting which makes both your lives and your joint family life unworkable as it will also massively affect you, your work/life balance and wellbeing; the end result of that is that nobody has a good life.

Boredom at work is a serious problem so I understand the feeling he has and that that can be harmful too but suggest that he look for an alternative that is worth more money and less punitive in terms of hours and travel and impact on you and family life. Alternatively, if he insists on taking this one, he will need to make arrangements to replace his share of family duties of pickup and childcare, e.g. by paying for extra help in the evenings or after nursery or both.

The extra money wouldn't be worth the stress on the family, not when you are both working FT juggling childcare arrangements.
Yanbu.
If it was a significant amount to hire extra childcare, I'd consider it.

They are young for such a short time, and their father will miss most of this.

Also wondering if your warnings are similar?
Nit that I agree completely but it’s often the person with lower pay who people see as default parent

Haha yes, I don’t think I have it more difficult, but I do think the burden of the being the person solely responsible for the every aspect of the kids every day is tiring in its own way! (Although with my 2 year olds tantrums at the mo, being at work by 7 would be preferable!!)

He could take 2 weeks to experience what it would be like from your side - he should do all the drop offs, pick ups and dinner/bath/bed times. Then he'd have a reasonable idea of what he's actually expecting of you

I think it's not a great plan when your child is so young for very little additional benefits. What I would enquire about is whether or not he could work flexible hours or similar to be able to be more present at different points in the week eg a day wfh or one longer day to finish shorter elsewhere. Otherwise I think you need to be honest about your trepidation with it⁶

I think it's not a great plan when your child is so young for very little additional benefits. What I would enquire about is whether or not he could work flexible hours or similar to be able to be more present at different points in the week eg a day wfh or one longer day to finish shorter elsewhere. Otherwise I think you need to be honest about your trepidation with it

Do you think part of him wants the commute to avoid all the drop offs, dinner prep, bed times etc?

I’d feel quite sad if my partner said he was happy to miss out on basically all family time in the week just for a bit more money (that wasn’t really needed) because he was a bit bored in his current job. Not hanging out with his kids all week long should be a really upsetting proposition surely? He doesn’t sound bothered.

IMO, if you can afford for him not to take it then stay as you are.

Some things eg your mental wellbeing and family time you can not put a price on

HTH

Your DH wouldn't take on a much longer commute unless there was something in it for him. Learning new skills?

Is the new job for a larger company with more opportunity long term? Better, more significant projects? Is there any threat to his existing role ? Is his existing employer in healthy profit or looking to make cut backs.

I think you need to talk through his reasoning. Personally I can't think of much worse than being bored at work, that's a lot of hours feeling low.

If he's earning extra money, can he pay for extra hours?

Are you planning on having more children? What might life look like if you’d a pre-schooler and a baby, and Dad’s gone 12 hours a day? If you had a second mat leave, you might find if very hard to progress your career and earning potential if you’re the one on call for every fall and sniffle, school holidays, etc.

I know thousands of families cope with one doing a long commute but would you choose it for your own family if you already had a much more convenient and FAIR setup?

Find a similar job in the opposite direction and tell him you’ve also decided to apply as you’re feeling a bit bored and how does he propose you manage childcare between you?

More seriously, I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest and I think a job move like this would be incredibly inconsiderate unless it offered very significant extra money (and even then I’d consider whether it was really worth it if you’re not currently struggling financially).