AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

I think you need to frame it as what benefit would this change bring to the family. It sounds like it is actually very little and you will be losing a lot. I think this should hopefully get him thinking about the needs of the family rather than simply why he might like.

Edited for typo

I feel like the only way I’d be considering this is if the extra money could fund an in home nanny/housekeeper to pick up the slack 🤷‍♀️

Exactly how much more money is involved?

Gosh - loads of alarm bells. Your husband is almost certainly under estimating the impact commuting time will have on his own happiness (ONS did an extensive study on Commuting and Personal Wellbeing in 2014- Google it). This is on top of the negative impact it will have on your wellbeing, the realtionship and the family generally.

As PP said - once you factor in additional travelling time, his earnings per work related hour is probably going to drop. There is no guarantee that the new job will be more interesting in reality - all sounds lovely at interview.

He's going to make your life harder and limit your career (because you'll have no second parent backup for working later/ starting early/ not having to leave every single time nursery or school call because a child is sick) because he's bored at work.

He thinks the new job will be more interesting- but he's never done the three hour commute day in, day out to know whether that will make him hate the new job after six months.

That's what it comes down to.

He should keep looking nearer home, but meanwhile ask him whether he thinks making your life more stressful to make his slightly less boring is fair.

Will he be paying for a child minder from his extra money so you get some help. ?If not then you both need to rethink it.

If hes doing longer hours for margainly more money is that not actually a pay cut? And therefore of course you wouldnt want him to work longer for what would hourly be less

It depends, will it lead to bigger and better things in the future and is he ambitious?

Yes, this is something you both have to agree. You'll end up sacrificing your career for his.

It's a sliding doors moment: in one scenario, you both continue to parent jointly, you both earn similar amounts, you both look after the house; in the other, you end up solo parenting all week, much of the weekend, because he's tired from the commute, doing all the household tasks, taking on all the mental load, taking off so much time for pickups/dropoffs/sick kid/school holidays that your career will stall or you'll have to go part-time and that will turn into a vicious cycle of you having to continue to do all that because your the lower-earner and it will end in massive resentment and financial disparity ...

I know I sound like I'm catastrophising, but this scenario comes up on here every day and I know personally a good number of couples where this is how it's panned out.

Not RTWT but if he has a firm offer, could he use it for leverage to get something more from his current employer?

Asking for a bit more money, some more responsibility and projects at his existing job is likely to be much easier.

He’s treating you terrible by not even acknowledging the change in your role with the dc. His misogyny is shining through very brightly!

Decisions like this need both of you to be in agreement. DH worked away, left Sunday evening and returned Friday evening. We discussed how this would work and the impact on me and our 2DCs before making a decision.

If it's only a little bit more money and loads more hours, it's a pay cut. You're not being unreasonable. He's being very selfish.

It's very unusual now for dads to do no parenting at all in the week. Unless mum is a housewife. I don't know anyone with this set up.
Where both parents work full time it would be very unfair and place an awful lot of stress on the mum. OP did not sign up for this.

If I was in your shoes, my immediate question to him would be "how are you going to covet your childcare repsonsibilities?""

I would never be phrasing this as a problem I have responsibility for solving. I would never consider it a case of "asking" my husband not to accept. He would ask if I could help make ot work (and my response would be no).

Nex you're going to tell me that as well as being unpaid childcare, he expects to keep the extra earnings to himself... 😆🙄

He'll be totally exhausted with 5 x 12 hour days each week, so will you from "doing it all." This sounds like a bad idea for a young family and very unfair on you.
3- 4 hours of commuting a day will be very, very boring too. Does he not like it at home or something?

@Veganornotvegan have you asked your dh if he is happy to not see his toddler 5 days a week due to his hours and he a part time father?
What did he say?
Has he even thought about it?

So because your mum did that, all women shoud exiect to NOT be an equal partner? To accept that whatever the dh wants wants come first. Even if it’s at their detriment. 🤪🤪

I mean that fine. The OP can drop hours and only work school hours. I’m wondering how much worse they’ll be as a family?
And how much worse the OP will be been lumbered with all the hw, childcare, still under pressure to earn money because you know she was befure do why not now etc….

Yeah I wouldn’t be happy to agree to this unless there was a huge financial incentive and even then it’s a huge amount of work to put onto one person

I wouldn't agree to this, being the default parent has the potential to fuck your career over.

Your 'school' run will get harder with the move from nursery to school until your youngest child is at least 11 years old and at secondary school.

When does your husband propose to find time to be a father?

All thes practical solutions and suggestions are useful. But I still belieev there's a bigger issue here. The mindset of "oh, I don't have to worry about my responsibilities because they're not really mine, they're Vegan's" would really have be riled up and, if it starts now, it will only get worse.

The difference is that you’re taking about people having no income vs and income.

In this case, it’s an income vs less bored and slightly better income (that isn’t needed)