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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

282 replies

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:17

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

OP posts:
CheeseFiend40 · 21/11/2025 20:09

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 19:14

Again, for goodness sake. I’m epileptic but despite having a seizure being the equivalent impact on the body as running a marathon in a few minutes, and taking several days to recover from, I don’t get my knickers in a twist when people say they say they / their children “threw a fit”, because I know they mean figuratively. They are not saying their toddler “throwing a fit” is literally the same impact as having a seizure, they’re saying both things are sudden and difficult. It’s really not that tricky to understand!

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I wouldn’t waste your time OP, some people are just determined to be offended no matter what!

What are your DH’s thoughts on the extra pressure this would put on you and the impact on his time with his family, work/life balance etc? Also how would he feel if it was the other way around and he would have to do all drop offs/pick ups, dinner and bedtime?

Me and my DH also share the load as you and your DH currently do. I’d find it extremely out of character if my DH was seriously considering a job that would impact so much on the family routine and the quality of our family life.

I’d be asking him what his priorities are, and if the answer isn’t you and the children over money (that isn’t needed) then that’s a whole other issue.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 21/11/2025 19:47

Has he not even considered that he won't see his child? Won't he miss them?

Not exactly sounding like a good parent is he?

Redwaterr · 21/11/2025 19:42

Its the wrong time basically. Currently he has a duty to fulfill the childcare responsibilities that rightly should be shared as you are working full time as well.

He needs to either find another job that is more suitable with childcare responsibilities or apply for other jobs when the child is older. I don't think being "bored" is a good enough reason to fail on his childcare duties.

Farmwifefarmlife · 21/11/2025 19:24

It doesn’t sound worth it imo maybe when your little one is older , you’ve both got lots of time career wise. I’d stay as you are, have a serious conversation with him about it all.

FinallyHere · 21/11/2025 19:21

Surely it’s up to him to demonstrate the advantages of this move to your family ?

As PP point out, you are not the default parent. Why does he want to opt out of family life? And is prepared to reduce his effective earnings per hour to do so?

How is he selling it to you?

Original poster
Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 19:14

Driftingawaynow · 21/11/2025 19:00

Hard disagree. It’s about as tasteful as claiming to be like a disabled person cos you sometimes get cramp. It’s a world apart and as a single parent I have had to listen to various coupled up people claiming to be “doing the single parent thing” many times over the years, to me it’s cringe.

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Again, for goodness sake. I’m epileptic but despite having a seizure being the equivalent impact on the body as running a marathon in a few minutes, and taking several days to recover from, I don’t get my knickers in a twist when people say they say they / their children “threw a fit”, because I know they mean figuratively. They are not saying their toddler “throwing a fit” is literally the same impact as having a seizure, they’re saying both things are sudden and difficult. It’s really not that tricky to understand!

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 21/11/2025 19:14

"Absolutely not", would be my response.

coxesorangepippin · 21/11/2025 19:11

From your comments, I cannot see what value it will actually add to the family by him taking this new role.

It will, however, mean he is less involved at home.

Pricelessadvice · 21/11/2025 19:07

MaurineWayBack · 21/11/2025 13:52

So because your mum did that, all women shoud exiect to NOT be an equal partner? To accept that whatever the dh wants wants come first. Even if it’s at their detriment. 🤪🤪

I mean that fine. The OP can drop hours and only work school hours. I’m wondering how much worse they’ll be as a family?
And how much worse the OP will be been lumbered with all the hw, childcare, still under pressure to earn money because you know she was befure do why not now etc….

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Maybe it was more the done thing in the 80s?
My Dad had to work the longer hours with further commute to bring in the better wage. As a result, my mum did the bulk of the childcare in the week.

I’m not sure why you are getting cross with me. It was very common situation when I grew up.

I guess it’s different now.

BiBimBap8997 · 21/11/2025 19:01

I'd point out to him that you would be better off divorced in this scenario. Genuinely.

I would not be ok with it.

Driftingawaynow · 21/11/2025 19:00

Millytante · 21/11/2025 15:28

Ah come on, this is not a protected term, and OP qualified it very clearly, indicating it was pretty much just a comparison.
(Had she said ‘widow’ it might have had a tinge of insensitivity, certainly)

Perhaps one would think twice about using the term were the post an editorial in a serious newspaper but we are among friends here, in tone.

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Hard disagree. It’s about as tasteful as claiming to be like a disabled person cos you sometimes get cramp. It’s a world apart and as a single parent I have had to listen to various coupled up people claiming to be “doing the single parent thing” many times over the years, to me it’s cringe.

Driftingawaynow · 21/11/2025 18:56

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 15:17

Oh for goodness sake, I was clearly speaking figuratively and not literally. I am from a single parent home, literally and not figuratively, I am well aware of the differences. I trust you speak only literally, at all times?

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you said you would be basically like a single parent. You wouldn’t and it’s a crass thing to say, clearly you don’t see that which is also really crass, so just carry on as you are then.

FastTurtle · 21/11/2025 18:51

YANBU, I’m sure if it was the other way around he wouldn’t be happy doing all the pick ups etc.

Youdontseehow · 21/11/2025 18:47

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:37

The plus side is that he’s bored, not unhappy with current job, just bored. And this new job would be an interesting change for him.

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Yeah it’d be a hard no from me at this stage of the game. You’ll be running round like a headless chicken and he’ll come home “exhausted from his super long day”.

If he’s bored, he can get a hobby.

MakeOrBake · 21/11/2025 18:42

He should absolutely not take this job without serious discussion and reflection on what it means for family life and more importantly on your relationship. It's a massive ask for you to go from 50-50 on daily household responsibilities to 90-10. Massive.

Nevermind long-term impact to your own career (and sanity) if you are the default for all handling, planning around and time off for emergencies, sick days, teacher meetings, school plays, doctors appointments, etc, etc, etc. I speak from experience. At this point, I don't know if our relationship can recover.

If he wants to look for jobs further from home, he needs to negotiate compressed hours, a shorter week, WFH etc. If this job can't offer any of that, it's not the right job and he should turn it down.

Blappengrap · 21/11/2025 18:39

I don't think you need to tie yourself into knots over this. It's clearly not an option from your point of view, and as you have the luxury of not needing the extra money then that's the end of the discussion.

"DH this will hugely negatively impact on our family life and on me and the children personally and so it's not a goer. You cannot take this job "

If he went ahead I would divorce and he could cope with 50/50.

Original poster
Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 18:20

CheeseIsMyIdol · 21/11/2025 16:25

Even if you don't need it for current bills/spending, that's a significant amount that could be invested to top up pensions, saved for uni, whatever.

If it doesn't work for your family, it doesn't work, but for others reading, the immediate spending value of the money is nothing compared to its potential growth over time, which is exponential. It will be worth a lot more than five thousand a year when retirement comes around.

I know it's easy to say "we aren't going to sacrifice now to ensure a well-funded retirement" or "we just want a simple retirement anyway" but believe me, when 60 or 65 rolls round and you no longer have the option of earning/saving more, hindsight is cruel. Sometimes it's worth it to suck it up now for future security.

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It’s not an extra £5k, it’s more than that, but without being gauche about money, we truly don’t need any extra than we have. We are incredibly lucky.

That’s why this is difficult decision, because it’s about more than money and the value we place on the intangibles, and seemingly my husband and I place different values on those things.

OP posts:
DonicaLewinsky · 21/11/2025 17:22

Homegrownberries · 21/11/2025 16:36

He's essentially expecting you to take over most of the household and childcare duties because he's bored.

There's a bigger conversation to be had here. It's not just about this job.

Yep.

Do make sure you force him to spell out exactly how he imagines this is going to work OP.

G5000 · 21/11/2025 17:10

he should not take it. 20% raise for him and basically an excuse to check out from parenting and domestic work. While you do it all, because you're there anyway and it makes sense. and what about school pick up later, staying home when DC is ill, all you? You will resent it and your own career will suffer.

Imdunfer · 21/11/2025 17:06

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:44

So even with the additional commute costs it would be a little extra money. But for me, I’m not sure the money is worth the extra responsibilities I will have to take on, plus the missed family time. We currently all sit down for dinner together every night and talk about days, we then also have playtime together as a family, and taking this job would lose all that. I would like effectively be a single parent through the week.

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This would be a complete and utter NO, for me. It's a total lifestyle change for all of you and your child loses stuff that has been proven to be beneficial, like family meal times.

No, no, no.

KindnessIsKey123 · 21/11/2025 17:04

Having not even read this thread, my husband and I had a similar discussion on our lunchtime walk today. We both work from home mainly and go into the office a couple of days per week. Child aged 4. We agreed that he would only ever be able to take a job five days a week in the office, if it paid so much more that I could say spread three days work across five and we’d still have enough money. Even then I would be getting the raw end of the deal as I’d be doing all of the after school tantrums , sick days, et cetera.

So unless he’s earning about a grand more, I say it would be a no. I think him just being a bit bored isn’t good enough for reason. You should go back to the company and says he has to do two days a week at home and if they can’t fulfil this, then he can’t take the job.

Trabbling · 21/11/2025 16:59

Hard no from me.

It sounds like he puts a high value on "money" but a low value on "family time".

Working week 33% more, money 20% more, doesn't make financial sense.

Money 20% more, family time 80% less, your workload 80% more? It's very sad if that's what he genuinely wants.

Is he happy to sacrifice you and his kids to be less "bored"??

Susiy · 21/11/2025 16:57

Maybe it's not just the job he is bored with.
It doesn't make sense to have such a long commute for a little extra money and dump all the childcare on the mother.

bdkenwbah · 21/11/2025 16:48

There’s no way I would agree to this. Also, being out of the house for 12 hours a day isn’t going to be fun for him either! I doubt it will cure his boredom.

I would ask him if he would do the same for you. I doubt most men would even consider this.

Tessasanderson · 21/11/2025 16:44

You are a team. Changes in his employment effect your whole family. Of course you are not unreasonable to point out the negatives for the family. Same as if it were the other way around.