AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

You emphasised being comfortable and not needing the extra money from this new job so I was surprised that you later said you have a mortgage. That rather alters the financial landscape. Although you've done very well in making a profit and getting your forever home, having paid off a mortgage is what many people would consider being comfortable, with the associated feeling of security and not feeling a pressure to earn more. How does your husband feel about that? Perhaps he does feel that pressure. Would paying off or reducing the mortgage substantially be a feather in his cap and a status to flaunt in front of his friends or imaginary competitors for status?

I take what you say about the need to feel secure in that you have cash savings rather than all property - I've been there too - but you could keep some of the lump sum and pay off some of the mortgage, especially if the mortgage loan rate is higher than the interest rate on your savings; you could still gradually build up the savings again out of your monthly incomes.

Alternatively, without touching the savings, as you are comfortable, you could spend some of your current incomes on slightly overpaying the mortgage every month or pay a lump sum annually to reduce it. If your mortgage is a high percentage of the house value, generally it is worth reducing the mortgage to 60% or below so that you can get a more favourable interest rate.

Sounds like OP's DH doesn;t like his child at all then, because he won't be spending any time with him at all.

Absolutely. If you’d have written my DH and I both earn £125k (minimum), so £250k gross (minimum) and my DH wants to take a job which will take him alone up to £150k (minimum), the responses would have ranged between:

• you’re being greedy
• of course he should take it

No-one would have focussed on solutions to the running around stress show your life is about to become because of your DH decision.

I’m a single parent to 2 DC, one of whom has additional needs and attends a special school. I’m also an additional rate taxpayer. I have an after school Nanny to do pickups and take the children to their extra-curricular activities before I get home from home from work. I also have a fortnightly house cleaner, gardener and window cleaner.

You will end up throwing the extra money on outsourcing as much of the stuff you do between yourselves as possible. However family life during the week will be non-existent. If I had a DH I would want us to have as much family life as possible, these days, I allow my EX to spend more time at my house than I’d personally like, purely so the DC can spend quality time with him during the week (not enough time for him to take them to his place and back home).

DC spending time with their parents is so much more important than the extra money that you yourself say you don’t need, so he shouldn’t really take the job.

You’ll need to discuss any resentment that could potentially creep in on his side as a result of not accepting after all these interviews, and perhaps between you come up with a solution to him finding a new job that doesn’t compromise your family life as much as this one would.

OP

Dh and I do well in the same way that you and your DH do well. We both took a very conscious decision not to move for a long time after the kids were born, because you carry a fair bit of flexibility with an employer after a few years of proving your worth pre kids. That gets set to zero if you move.

For a long time we alternated pick ups and drop offs (I agree with the poster who said DH shouldn’t get to do all drop offs and no pick ups) but being able to flex for each other around a work event or a busy week was great.

Yes, I thought that! Two 6-figure salaries, enough savings to live on for 2 years, considering buying a investment property or sending child to private school... but "not comfortable in the middle class way where comfortable means rich"! Actually a combined income of £200k/year would put you in the top 2% in terms of household income.

Exact figures would influence the responses for sure. Some people would see the extra 20/30/40 etc K as amazing fortune and how can DH even think about not taking the job. And then other people would say that how can you both be so greedy and horrible that 6 figures per person is not enough and why don't you be a SAHM instead. Neither will be relevant to your situation though.
All that is relevant is that you're doing fine, don't need the extra money and it would not significantly improve your life.

Why does their salary matter? She’s stated the additional money isn’t significant and they are comfortable which is all that is relevant to the situation.

It doesn’t sound like that at all to anyone reasonable with even basic reading comprehension.

Your post was so needlessly unkind.

Trust yourself on this one. DH has a 1.5hr commute to the office but fortunately only has to go twice per week. He leaves before the DC are awake and they’re often in the bath by the time he returns. I can do it twice per week but that is my limit.

I’d go back to the company with a wfh proposal and see how much they want him. If there is no flex then it’s not the right job for the family. Don’t be swayed on it!

I’m not surprised you didn’t write the salary figures, it absolutely would have swayed comments. However, without knowing anything about your outgoings, that fact that you’re both additional rate taxpayers already and have the work-life balance you do now and money you’re happy with, you really can’t afford the imbalance and stress your DH taking this job in will bring into your life.

Your life, not his.

Him taking this role would mean he opts out of family life completely Monday-Friday, which I wouldn’t be happy about at all. I’d be asking him why he is happy to do that.

If your DH takes this role, resentment on your side will creep in very quickly, especially as you weren’t on board with it in the first place.

If he takes the job, best you start squirrelling away that extra money for yourself, as you’ll need it when the inevitable parting of ways happened.

2nd comment from me as I've now read all your updates and your determination to not reveal the money involved. Everything you've drip fed does in fact scream rich and not just comfortable as you first claimed. Ironic.

mental load should not be discounted, and that will only get worse when kids start school. All the homework, clubs, requests for this and that, Roman day and whatnot, friends' birthdays - there's just so much. Plus of course all sickness days, calls that you need to come pick your DC up because they're not feeling great - this will all be on you. First of course extra workload, but also your DH would be missing out on so much.

What exactly is a little extra money?

So far he's coming across as selfish and thoughtless.

He will be increasing his status and earnings on the back of your unpaid labour.
I note that you say you currently share the drop offs and pick ups equally at present but that he mostly does drop off and you do pick ups. That’s already unequal as pick ups are far more stressful- the last hour or so you’re constantly watching the clock as you can’t afford to leave even five minutes late. It means you can’t fully focus on your work.
Once he’s engineered this situation, and it may not even be conscious on his part, how likely is it that he may end up staying later still at the end of the day? After all his children are looked after and he can focus on work without having that hard deadline that you will have.
Once this new routine is in place the dynamic of your relationship will change.
It’s disappointing to see this male socialised selfishness play out like this.

I had a husband who worked away a lot when my children were small. It broke our marriage. Be careful OP.

I did all childcare in the week, but I worked part time, which worked for us. I wouldn't have been keen to take everything on and work full time, especially when the kids were very young. So YANBU OP

It's possible. I have a fixed rate mortgage of 1.79% (obtained before rates went up). My savings get much more than that, plus if I pay anything off the mortgage within the fixed rate term there is a financial penalty. It makes much more sense to keep money in savings until the fixed rate expires.

I wouldn’t think it was worth it in those circumstances. I think he’d get fed up of the commute alone if it was much longer. How long would the commute actually be? It might seem okay in theory but in practice with traffic etc it will be different. And he won’t want to come home and help tidy up if he’s been sat driving for 2 hours.

Are you considering having another child at some point @Veganornotvegan . It would be a definite no for me if that was a consideration at all. A newborn and a toddler and him out all day would be really tough.

You need to ask him if he would be happy doing every drop off and pick up and all the sick days (which I disagree with, he should be coming back even if you do the initial pick up) if the roles were reversed. If he says no that tells you all you need to know. And what about when it comes to school age? Parenting and marriage is partnership. That means give and take but not all in one direction.

It is tricky, I get it. DH recently bought a house and weighed up quite carefully how much to borrow for our mortgage, and how much to keep aside for our renovation budget and general savings. However, do consider how much interest you'd save if you paid off just 20% of your mortgage.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/mortgages-vs-savings/

You dont know what may be in the budget yet or the effect of the sneaky and underhand freezing of tax thresholds that has been mooted. If its only a little more money most of that could disappear into the grubby hands of the tax man with no material benefit to yourselves. Unless, as other posters have suggested, the new job offers significantly better career progression or opportunities my answer would be no while your child is so young.

You're gas lighting her - nasty.

Is there a bigger picture/bigger plan here? I mean will new employer provide additional skills/training that mean he can jump to better work life balance and salary in a couple of years? If so I wouldn’t rule it out but there needs to be an end point. I think it’s perfectly fine to take turns taking a slightly heavier load on the parenting, however there needs to be a clear end goal/objective so it doesn’t last forever. Early years I did a LOT of parenting, prob 80%, then did a secondment at work to gain new skills etc, probably swung to 60/40 split in his direction, then got a better paid but wfh job, swung back in the other direction. He’s just started a new role so whilst he beds in it’s more me picking up but once he’s settled it will go back the other way. I think parenting doesn’t need to be equal all of the time, life doesn’t allow it to work that way, i think when you look back in 20 years time you need to feel as though you both did your bit & it worked out fair in the end.