Page 11 | AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

Veganornotvegan · 2025-11-21T11:17:32+00:00

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away. Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away. We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us. My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.). WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

museumum · 21/11/2025 11:57

UrbanFan · 21/11/2025 11:55

Is it such a 'chore' to take on this extra time with your children for a few short years?

What would the situation be if you were bored in your job all day every day and wanted a change? Would your husband have willingly done all the drop offs etc?

They are young for such a short amount of time.

They are young for such a short period of time their father shouldn't miss it all for the sake of a little more job satisfaction.

schoolfriend · 21/11/2025 11:55

I think the amount of money makes a difference here but regardless of that it needs to be a joint decision if your are expected to pick up the slack.

UrbanFan · 21/11/2025 11:55

Is it such a 'chore' to take on this extra time with your children for a few short years?

What would the situation be if you were bored in your job all day every day and wanted a change? Would your husband have willingly done all the drop offs etc?

They are young for such a short amount of time.

Fleetbug · 21/11/2025 11:54

This means yr husband will do dramatically less of the domestic support than he already does ( which is in all probability less than you anyway). It’s a big burden and inequality he’s asking you to take on. It will impact on your career as you become much less available/flexible, have less energy and time…

Aren’t there other roles closer to home? Or is this the natural career progression you both expected of his current role? Lots for you both to discuss- he should not just assume that you will automatically fulfil the gender stereotype of child and home care. Make it clear that this change in who does what impacts you and children negatively - for no benefit to either you or children.

AnSolas · 21/11/2025 11:53

The maths is he is moving from an
08:40 to 17: 20 max to
07:30 to 19:00
So adding say 3h extra a day for what % payrise?

Because his work time went up by 30ish% and you are not saying its a lot of money.

So on financial grounds its not looking like a good move.

And it has a direct impact on your job as you will have zero ability to organise to work late nor be in early or not miss days when your child is sick.

All of which will likely restrict your ability to move jobs or even roles with your current employer.

What is his plan for managing his domestic duties other than have you do them?

RubySquid · 21/11/2025 11:53

Bjorkdidit · 21/11/2025 11:45

Tough titty that he's bored at work and fancies a change. He's not available to take a job 90 mins from home because he picks his child up from nursery after work.

If you say he's been offered a job, does that mean he's actually applied, interviewed and had an offer? And he's done all that without realising he can't be in two places at once?

I don't suppose this job has flexible hours so he can start and finish earlier so he can still make pick up?

Edited

Hmm isn't that what the jobcentre expect if you are unemployed even if the job is minimum wage?

Cant imagine getting away with telling them ypthat

However it does seem a bit of a rough deal for the OP. Probably better if her DH finds another job closer so he can do at least half pickups / dropoffs

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:51

Bjorkdidit · 21/11/2025 11:45

Tough titty that he's bored at work and fancies a change. He's not available to take a job 90 mins from home because he picks his child up from nursery after work.

If you say he's been offered a job, does that mean he's actually applied, interviewed and had an offer? And he's done all that without realising he can't be in two places at once?

I don't suppose this job has flexible hours so he can start and finish earlier so he can still make pick up?

Edited

Yes he has applied, been offered, etc. and I encouraged him to do so, on the condition that we would discuss the offer (i.e final salary / benefits they offer plus flexibility for WFH etc). The final offer is 5 days in the office, and a salary that once we deduct commute costs is more money than he’s on now, but not much more. I guess that’s part of why I feel unreasonable, as I’m not against him applying for new roles, I’m against this role now we know what the final offer is (they were pretty noncommittal / ambiguous throughout the interview process, just ballparks and ‘generals’).

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Christmascats4 · 21/11/2025 11:48

UninitendedShark · 21/11/2025 11:45

Tbh the childcare thing is only part of the issue. I’d be worried about the first 2 year period in a job where you can be effectively sacked for no reason. In this current job climate job security is massively important. Companies cut staff all the time and he would probably be the first to go. If he wants to go ahead I do agree with the above poster that suggested to approach it as ‘how are you going go cover your share of childcare?’.

These are very good points

Luckyingame · 21/11/2025 11:48

From a different perspective, can you actually make him not to take the job? That's a bit difficult as well.

Christmascats4 · 21/11/2025 11:46

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:44

So even with the additional commute costs it would be a little extra money. But for me, I’m not sure the money is worth the extra responsibilities I will have to take on, plus the missed family time. We currently all sit down for dinner together every night and talk about days, we then also have playtime together as a family, and taking this job would lose all that. I would like effectively be a single parent through the week.

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Will he agree to not take the job if you ask him
It does seem very unfair on you

UninitendedShark · 21/11/2025 11:45

Tbh the childcare thing is only part of the issue. I’d be worried about the first 2 year period in a job where you can be effectively sacked for no reason. In this current job climate job security is massively important. Companies cut staff all the time and he would probably be the first to go. If he wants to go ahead I do agree with the above poster that suggested to approach it as ‘how are you going go cover your share of childcare?’.

Bjorkdidit · 21/11/2025 11:45

Tough titty that he's bored at work and fancies a change. He's not available to take a job 90 mins from home because he picks his child up from nursery after work.

If you say he's been offered a job, does that mean he's actually applied, interviewed and had an offer? And he's done all that without realising he can't be in two places at once?

I don't suppose this job has flexible hours so he can start and finish earlier so he can still make pick up?

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:44

ProfessorOfAllTheThings · 21/11/2025 11:40

Would the longer commute mean that any additional extra income or swallowed up by travel costs?

I'm not sure it would be about the workload split for me, just the fact that that your family life and child's evenings would be so impacted detrimentally. Having less time to spend as a family is always a shame.

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So even with the additional commute costs it would be a little extra money. But for me, I’m not sure the money is worth the extra responsibilities I will have to take on, plus the missed family time. We currently all sit down for dinner together every night and talk about days, we then also have playtime together as a family, and taking this job would lose all that. I would like effectively be a single parent through the week.

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Tiswa · 21/11/2025 11:43

@Veganornotvegan then I think you need a serious chat one that you recognise him feeling bored and unfulfilled and whilst you get he needs a new challenge you cannot have it at the expense of yourself. You can’t take on more and the amount of extra things this would need you to do would probably burn you out and put your job at risk and that level of commute may well do the same for him.

this isn’t the right decision for your family but maybe look at others

ProfessorOfAllTheThings · 21/11/2025 11:40

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:36

Those hours would be required indefinitely, as it’s not a longer working day, it’s a MUCH longer commute.

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Would the longer commute mean that any additional extra income or swallowed up by travel costs?

I'm not sure it would be about the workload split for me, just the fact that that your family life and child's evenings would be so impacted detrimentally. Having less time to spend as a family is always a shame.

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:40

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2025 11:32

Why does DH want this job if it's further away, and not much extra money?

If the job might lead to greater things, it might be worthwhile him taking it and you stepping up for a while, or perhaps you could use the extra money for some afterschool childcare to help you out a bit.

Or is it the kind of job you might move for, so DH can continue with the split child care?

He wants it mostly because he’s bored in his current role, and thinks this would be a new and interesting challenge.

We definitely wouldn’t move for this role, we wouldn’t move probably further than 10 minutes or so away from where we live now, as we don’t have any family local, but all our friends are nearby, as well as fantastic schools and other amenities. Moving for work would not be on the cards for either of us.

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Tiswa · 21/11/2025 11:38

You do and I think whereas you can’t say he can’t do something your definitely have control over what you do and have every right to pushback on this from your perspective

and if he is unhappy what can work closer because a much longer commute doesn’t sound feasible

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:37

RavenPie · 21/11/2025 11:32

What’s the plus side? Is there progression vs his current job being dead end? Are there issues in his current job that mean he needs to move? Why does he want the new job if it’s not better for money and not better for work/life balance?

The plus side is that he’s bored, not unhappy with current job, just bored. And this new job would be an interesting change for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:36

Apileofballyhoo · 21/11/2025 11:29

How long would those hours be required? Is it a stepping stone to something else?

Ask him what's in it for you and what's in it for his child.

Those hours would be required indefinitely, as it’s not a longer working day, it’s a MUCH longer commute.

OP posts:

Original poster

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:34

jay55 · 21/11/2025 11:24

Have you asked him what his plan is to cover his share? Because you are not the default option. And your career shouldn’t be taking a hit to plump up his if the money isn’t significant.

That’s the crux I think, that there’s just an assumption I’ll do ‘extra’ when I won’t really feel the benefit. Yes we will have a little extra money, and extra money is always nice, but I think we have enough.

We maybe need a bigger conversation about priorities, as I’m happy with our lot, but maybe my husband is less so (we earn similar to our friends, but lots of them come from money / were gifted house deposits / etc. and have lots of family support for regular childcare so probably have more money leftover at the end of each month) and I think my husband compares us.

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ThankYouNigel · 21/11/2025 11:33

It’s a really tricky one.

I’m a SAHM, so I do all of the school runs, sick days, etc anyway, but I still value my DH always being home in time for dinner and bedtime, as our children enjoying eating with him, telling them about their day, having a cuddle and a story, etc. I would feel sad for my children if they barely saw their dad during the week, as they love that time with him.

We value time over money, so my DH hasn’t pushed for promotion to maintain these hours. However, he seems happy. I would be concerned if he was becoming bored and frustrated, but would prefer him to accelerate things career-wise when our children are older.

Does your DH have any other outlet to reduce his boredom? For example challenging himself within a hobby, etc? Could he take the new job but negotiate a day off/WFH some days, etc.?

I’m always inclined to not chase money for the sake of it, and feel for you as your current situation sounds like it’s working well.

Good luck with finding a solution.

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2025 11:32

@RavenPie - snap!!!

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2025 11:32

Why does DH want this job if it's further away, and not much extra money?

If the job might lead to greater things, it might be worthwhile him taking it and you stepping up for a while, or perhaps you could use the extra money for some afterschool childcare to help you out a bit.

Or is it the kind of job you might move for, so DH can continue with the split child care?

RavenPie · 21/11/2025 11:32

What’s the plus side? Is there progression vs his current job being dead end? Are there issues in his current job that mean he needs to move? Why does he want the new job if it’s not better for money and not better for work/life balance?

HorrorFan81 · 21/11/2025 11:29

He absolutely should not take this job