AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

I’d be throwing it back to him to outline how this will work in practice. It’s not up to you to figure this out.

Until he can do that, no you are definitely not being unreasonable.

It’s not even just the day to day childcare- you’ll end up doing all the washing, the food shopping etc. Sounds lovely for him!

He can continue to be bored until he finds another new job that he can work around his family commitments. In the same way you would have to if you were bored. Or he can negotiate with the new job. Or you can factor in the cost of additional childcare to meet his share of commitments and then make a joint decision as to whether it’s still worth it (also taking into account the loss of family time). But no, you are not being unreasonable, and there is not a chance I would be accepting this in my situation.

As a comparison, I recently found a new job after redundancy (so much less ‘choice’ in the matter.) It involves 2 - 3 days a week on site and my husband covering evenings and mornings on those days. I only accepted it with his agreement, and on the basis that I do the after school clubs on the days I am at home. Not a chance I would have expected him to accept a change of job like your dh is proposing. Wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to suggest it. I wonder what he would think if the roles were reversed and you were proposing what he is? Have you asked him that?

No No No.

On so many levels:

No, to you being presented with no option but to up your household workload.

No to him taking a job while just happily walking away from his responsibilities at home.

Basically, what this tells me is that whiel he's done his share of childcare/home stuff, he' snever actually considered it his responsibility. It's always been about "helping you out" or whatever.

There's a bigger conversation here. I am in theprocess of taking on a bigger job. Part of the conversation with DH is how that works and where he needs to step up more and what I am going to do to mitigate the impact on everyone. It's an ongoing mutual conversation.

If he told new job “I can only take this role if I wfh 2 days per week”, then what would they say? It might be workable if he gets wfh but not on full time in the office.

Sorry OP, but why on earth are you even considering effectively becoming a single parent Mon to Fri, shouldering all the household and childcare, simply because your DH is BORED????

Would HE be 'supportive' of you doing the same thing to him? Just because you're a bit 'bored' with where you work now??

I'm sorry, but buggering up both your career and your childs routine as well as your family time for such a pathetically selfish reason is bloody insane !!

Nothing stopping him looking for a new job, but he has to still be able to keep his current 50% of pick ups/ drop offs as well as the family time with you and his DC.

Parents simply don't have the luxury of bloody abdicating their responsibilities as H's and Dad's , and it's so bloody selfish to simply expect YOU to pick up his 50% too !!!! Just because he's bloody 'bored'????

Honestly ask yourself - does he enjoy being a parent? Cherish family time? Is your marriage in a good place?

Because a job where he is out of the house from 7.30am - 7pm is often the go to option of a person wanting to opt out of family life. He would barely see the kids Mon-Fri! Maybe that’s what he wants?

But this gets harder not easier when they're a bit older and go to school. Before and after school childcare is patchier and often shorter hours

And at some point there'll be two different schools which both might need a pick up/drop off which is easier if you can divide and conquer.

And as PP said I imagine the 3(?) hours a day in the car will get old very quickly and will.probably outweigh the greater interest in the job

I don’t think I’d be able to get on board with this. We did something similar a year ago with DH taking on a much longer commute. It was for a bigger salary but once commuting costs are factored in we aren’t much better off. But his job at the time had no progression opportunities and we are hoping for much better opportunities in his current role.

I work 3 days a week but have become even more of the default parent, I’m on my own with very young children most of the time and a lot more is falling to me. We aren’t in a financial position to outsource anything either even with the higher salary as living costs have increased so much. This was part of the agreement originally that we would look to get a fortnightly cleaner and go back to having shopping delivered. But that’s now financially out of reach and I’m now stuck doing a lot more work.

I’ve already been straight up and said if he doesn’t see some proper progression within X amount of time he needs to look for a new role because otherwise the sacrifice it requires from us all isn’t worth it.

Also - the grass isn’t always greener. Is he really looking at this objectively? Not huge increase, a lot more hours an no security due to length of tenure. There is a massive difference between a theoretical change from hybrid short commute and work life balance but a bit bored to an interesting job, huge hours and commute and no balance. It sounds like he’s looking at the new role through rose tinted glasses and could be swapping boredom for commute frustration and exhaustion and could regret the decision and you’re back to square one.

Is there any way of him talking to his existing employer and adapting his role to get more responsibility / more interesting work?

But this gets harder not easier when they're a bit older and go to school. Before and after school childcare is patchier and often shorter hours.

I'd be questioning his priorities if he knows taking the job means missing out on dinner and evening with his child. If you don't NEED the money then why would he choose to miss out on that? Seems a shame he'd be fine with it

If he's been offered the job, now is the time to set out his stall on what it would take to get him to take the job.
eg: commitment that he can WFH 2 days a week and do 3 long days so he can do a drop off or a pick up on another day
Oodles more cash, or annual leave, or whatever.

They've strung him along and it's their opening offer. There's probably 15-20% headroom in the salary and/or flex on other things.

You need to sit down together and do a pros and cons list together. Something visual is often easier to discuss.

No, but it would be reasonable for a woman to divorce over something like this, if the man decided to force such a big change and additional work on her, without her consent, just because he's a bit bored.

Those long hours, extra pay, and possible career advancement wouldn't be possible without her. Is she going to get adequate compensation for that, for when they might divorce one day and she will have spent years supporting his career like this?

God, in the mood that’s gripped me today, I’d say this is out of the question!
It’s just not workable, and that should to be obvious to him unless he really does expect that you ought assume the lion’s share of family responsibility because your career and time are worth less than his.

So he's bored…he can live with that, surely; it’s not like he's down a coalmine every day. He has duties and obligations at home, and being gone at least 12 hours a day when it is certainly not necessary seems like a plan for most self indulgent absenteeism.
This is the second thread I’ve read today where a dad seems to exhibit little genuine interest or pleasure in his young child, and this is quite apart from any discussion about sharing the childcare load.
Very depressing stuff.

So he gets to divest himself of almost all family responsibilities, not just during the week but when it is the weekend and he is knackered from a week of long commutes. Given the extra, what 60? 70? Hours a month he will be devoting to work, and the fact that he will opting out of family life, that would need to be for enough money for you to pay for the help to allow you to continue your career, ie a childminder for the drops offs, pick ups, child care and care when the child is ill. It would also need to provide something for the family, so enough for a university fund maybe? Frankly, it doesn’t sound like it will provide that, and it does sound like it will cause resentment to build on both sides.

in fairness i'd rather be making packed lunches & getting kids dressed than being out on a site at 7am

This! My DP has a trade, working shifts that see him leave at 6.30/7 and return home at 5.30/6 (although granted it was a significant pay rise). I have a white collar profession, so a desk job, 9-5. I do all school and nursery runs / dinner / bath / making packed lunches / packing bags / breakfast / getting them dressed. I am exhausted and burnt out, he is resentful because my life is much easier 😅 (in our case the money makes it necessary but easy it is not!)

As he doesn’t need the job, he’s in a great place to negotiate, especially as they hadn’t been transparent before the offer. He could say he can’t take the job without 2 wfh days and see how that goes.
Otherwise, could you pick your child up when sick but only until your husband can get home?

Yeah this was my thought, what is point of taking this job? If in 5 years time he could be doubling his salary then kind of see the point, but seems a lot more hassle for no gain.

Can he negotiate working from home some days? If not I wouldn't be happy either

OP we have a very similar situation to you. It takes a bit of balance to get it 50:50, but I don't think you should be the default option. I would cost up longer childcare for his share of collections/drop-offs and compare that to the extra money.

Personally I would say to go for it. If you don't need the money currently then put it aside as a safety net or to pay for higher costs as DC gets older/inflation worsens, or towards holidays in the future.
Make sure DH takes more of a full on role at the weekend so you get a break then, and use the extra money to pay for a cleaner so reduce the housework load or a childminder to do some of the pickups or drop offs.

I think he may be underestimating how boring a long commute with no WFH options can get.