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AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

282 replies

Veganornotvegan · 21/11/2025 11:17

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

OP posts:
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Outnumberedby3 · 09/04/2026 22:06

My partner is in a role currently which means he doesn't see the children week day nights and now my eldest is older - it's heartbreaking to watch how much he misses daddy and I do feel like a single parent. I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect him to consider the impact on your family as opposed to just his wishes.

DancingInTheMoonlights · 04/12/2025 13:16

Veganornotvegan · 29/11/2025 16:52

He decided not to take the job. And not really through anything I said, because he reflected on it, and decided he didn’t want to miss out on our family time together.

We’ve agreed he can continue to job hunt, but closer to home. And if nothing comes up, to revisit the situation in a few years.

Pleased for you 😊

UninitendedShark · 04/12/2025 12:32

Great outcome and plan.

OhamIreally · 30/11/2025 07:11

That’s great, particularly that he arrived at that decision through his own reflection. Sounds like a good one.

SheilaFentiman · 29/11/2025 17:27

Good outcome @Veganornotvegan

Hollietree · 29/11/2025 17:01

That’s a great result, so glad for you that he saw sense.

Veganornotvegan · 29/11/2025 16:52

OhamIreally · 29/11/2025 16:44

@Veganornotvegan would be interesting to know what was decided.

He decided not to take the job. And not really through anything I said, because he reflected on it, and decided he didn’t want to miss out on our family time together.

We’ve agreed he can continue to job hunt, but closer to home. And if nothing comes up, to revisit the situation in a few years.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 29/11/2025 16:44

@Veganornotvegan would be interesting to know what was decided.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/11/2025 13:55

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MN women don't hate all men, just the shitty and selfish men whose wives and partners are driven to post on here for advice and support due to their husbands' or partners' selfish/unkind/abusive behaviour.

You have been the rudest poster on this thread.

SheilaFentiman · 26/11/2025 13:37

NavyTurtle · 26/11/2025 13:06

I bet if she was bored and wanted a change, everyone would be supporting her.

Oh, that’s not how you spell “I apologise for being so rude when I said that you didn’t like your child much.”

NavyTurtle · 26/11/2025 13:06

Tiswa · 25/11/2025 14:21

But that is the point isn’t it - it doesn’t have to be done it isn’t necessary - the current routine works for both of them and the children. The only fly in the ointment is that the OPs DH is bored and wants more of a challenge but that isn’t enough for the OP to sacrifice her time and her career for.

it is very much a want for him not a need and one which actually affects the needs of others

I bet if she was bored and wanted a change, everyone would be supporting her.

SpinningaCompass · 25/11/2025 17:00

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Suggesting someone doesn't like their child very much is incredibly rude and unwarranted.

And this isn't a 'do what needs to be done to get through' situation. This is a 'husband and father is 'bored' situation and wants to dump his share of childcare and home responsibilities on his full time working wife so he can take another job when he has a perfectly good job that pays well and allows him to do his share of child and home care. His 'wants' isn't a 'need' and isn't fair to dump 100% of the expected ramifications on OP, which will affect her time and her job and her own career path.

Tiswa · 25/11/2025 14:21

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But that is the point isn’t it - it doesn’t have to be done it isn’t necessary - the current routine works for both of them and the children. The only fly in the ointment is that the OPs DH is bored and wants more of a challenge but that isn’t enough for the OP to sacrifice her time and her career for.

it is very much a want for him not a need and one which actually affects the needs of others

SheilaFentiman · 25/11/2025 14:21

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It’s extremely rude to say to a parent that she doesn’t like her child very much. Far ruder than swearing.

NavyTurtle · 25/11/2025 14:15

Susiy · 22/11/2025 08:37

You're gas lighting her - nasty.

Oh do grow up. We don't have gas in our house!

NavyTurtle · 25/11/2025 14:11

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AllTheChaos · 24/11/2025 14:23

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Um, because looking after small children without a second adult there is A LOT?! Plus, some of us adore our children but find the young child years a fuxking nightmare. I much prefer the tween and teen years, small children are mind achingly dull!

G5000 · 23/11/2025 13:56

Where has OP whined and complained? And if your advice would apply to anybody in this situation, it's her husband who should 'stop whining' about his boring job, is it really a hardship looking after his own children? (although OP has not said anything about the husband whining either).

OhamIreally · 23/11/2025 13:38

@UrbanFan she is not whining and complaining - quite the reverse she acknowledges the positive situation they are in. She is asking whether she is being unreasonable to not want to accept a less equitable situation for something that would not deliver any further benefit.

Susiy · 23/11/2025 13:35

TiredMummma · 23/11/2025 08:55

Yes I agree, you have young kids. It’s completely and utterly unfair on you. It’s one thing to already have a job like that, it’s another to take it when you have young children. Your husband has to put things on hold until you are past this stage.

Fully agree.
Woman's careers take a backseat to childcare all the time and no-one blinks an eye. Men should also put their children's best interest above a little extra money especially when they are small / up until their teens.

UrbanFan · 23/11/2025 13:15

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SomethingFun · 23/11/2025 09:16

Well usually the advice on here is that you don’t get the time back with young dc, but that is usually aimed at mothers debating whether to work or not.

My dh has recently started a new job out of necessity which has meant I have to do a lot more pick ups and drops off and I’m the only one available if the dc are sick or have a medical appointment. I can’t say I particularly appreciate it but I suck it up as our choices were limited, I wouldn’t have been agreeing to it though so he could earn a bit more money. And the figures you’re talking about op it’s the bit where you are taxed to fuck on every penny so it’s whether it’s even worth it financially because I’m not convinced it is.

TiredMummma · 23/11/2025 08:55

Yes I agree, you have young kids. It’s completely and utterly unfair on you. It’s one thing to already have a job like that, it’s another to take it when you have young children. Your husband has to put things on hold until you are past this stage.

Veganornotvegan · 22/11/2025 20:15

Abitofalark · 22/11/2025 18:33

You emphasised being comfortable and not needing the extra money from this new job so I was surprised that you later said you have a mortgage. That rather alters the financial landscape. Although you've done very well in making a profit and getting your forever home, having paid off a mortgage is what many people would consider being comfortable, with the associated feeling of security and not feeling a pressure to earn more. How does your husband feel about that? Perhaps he does feel that pressure. Would paying off or reducing the mortgage substantially be a feather in his cap and a status to flaunt in front of his friends or imaginary competitors for status?

I take what you say about the need to feel secure in that you have cash savings rather than all property - I've been there too - but you could keep some of the lump sum and pay off some of the mortgage, especially if the mortgage loan rate is higher than the interest rate on your savings; you could still gradually build up the savings again out of your monthly incomes.

Alternatively, without touching the savings, as you are comfortable, you could spend some of your current incomes on slightly overpaying the mortgage every month or pay a lump sum annually to reduce it. If your mortgage is a high percentage of the house value, generally it is worth reducing the mortgage to 60% or below so that you can get a more favourable interest rate.

We could be completely mortgage free if we chose a smaller, but still family home, but instead we’ve chosen to mortgage against what we would deem is our forever home. At present our mortgage is about 40% of the homes value, and we do overpay every month (by the maximum amount before fees apply), and the interest rate on our savings is higher than the interest rate on our mortgage balance. I don’t mean to sound glib, but we did all of these calculations with a financial advisor before we moved. And just like this decision we are faced with now, it’s not just about money, there are other factors at play, including that I simply want to have more savings. With my husband what makes him feel financially secure is having a larger annual salary, my feeling of security is knowing we have as much accessible ‘rainy day’ cash as possible. If every decision was purely financial, then we wouldn’t all be here debating whether my husband should take this job.

OP posts:
SpinningaCompass · 22/11/2025 18:46

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No it fucking doesn't sound like OP doesn't like her child very much.

It sounds like OP had a child thinking her husband, the child's father, would take equal parenting responsibility for said child and not expect her to have to cover his 'half' too during the week, potentially sacrificing her career to facilitate his, when that's not what she signed up for.