To think people should say “fuck tradition” when planning their wedding?

I have PDA. Things we did that we were told we couldn’t:

wore jeans
restricted the guest list to those we had actually had contact with in the last 2 years
had more friends than relatives
had no speeches
had no gift list
didn’t have table flowers
didn’t have rings
kept our own names
just had one best man and one best woman, no bridesmaids, ushers or flower people
everyone walked themselves down the aisle

There were probably other things too.

Yes - we had a fairly standard wedding but with some bits we wanted to 'be more us' - nothing dramatic but food, decorations, etc had elements that i was quite proud of not being the 'traditional wedding'. Those bits were far more expensive and more faff than the bits that were cookie-cutter 'classic wedding' stuff. They're also the bits that, if I'm honest, haven't aged so well. I think you could look at our wedding photos and the bits that we thought were really unique are the bits that are a bit cringy now in a 'tell me you got married in the early 2010s without telling me you got married in the early 2010s' way.

In fairness i think most men would gladly take this approach.

Women, (and female relatives of bride & groom) not so much.

Went to a wedding on a budget last year. There was a church ceremony then we got sent to a local pub while the bridal party did scenic pictures.

The reception was in a community centre. Some of us had helped the night before setting tables and decorating the room.

There was a substantial buffet cooked mainly by two of her relatives, one of whom is a chef. They supplied wine, soft drinks and she borrowed a keg line and brought two kegs of lager from work (she manages a bar). They said if you want spirits, bring them with you. Various bottles turned up and were shared. They had her brothers speaker system and laptop for music.

It was absolutely brilliant with everyone just eating, drinking and having a good time. One of the best weddings I've been to.

The sight of the bride crouched down in her big princess dress changing a keg will stay with me forever 😂

I did. I had no hen party. I walked myself down the aisle (because I’m a grown woman who didn’t belong to anybody to ‘give me away’). I told everyone to wear what they felt comfortable in - if that was jeans i really didn’t mind. We had afternoon tea, then a sit down meal in the evening and drinks reception afterwards. No disco, no first dance. No buggering off for two hours for photos while the guests hung around while we had photos. We had a ‘cake’ made of cheese (we both dislike cake) that was served after dinner. No favours, no temu tat, no tacky centrepieces (we just had the hotels silver candelabras on the tables with fresh flowers).

It was completely relaxed. Everyone got very merry and we put up all our guests at the hotel. The food was amazing and there was loads of it, and we all had a bloody good laugh. Best day of my life!

your wedding doesn’t give you carte blanch to do as you please at the expense of your guests.

you are hosting an event. That means the enjoyment and comfort of your guests should be at the forefront of your mind. Too little food/long waits for drinks/complicated dress codes or other instructions are all irritating for attendees who for the main part want to turn up, see you happy, not starve and spend time with other guests.

so have the pie, wear red but fgs remember it’s not actually all about you

@BauhausOfEliott People don't like to be misled. If you invite me to your wedding, I'm going to assume it's your wedding. If you invite me to a celebration of your marriage, I'll still come. And weddings on the beach or in a forest glade can be legally binding here.

As a guest myself, I just want to eat something, see the outfits, maybe cry a little and go home. What I love is seeing couples actually enjoy their day.

Yes, me too. Their wedding, their day, their choice.

I do see a lot of people moaning on Mumsnet about other people's weddings though. Which I can understand when the complaint is 'My cousin is having a destination wedding that's going to cost £1,000 and five days of my annual leave to attend, and we're expected to bring our children even though it's in term-time, and there's a dress code that says we all have to wear a specific colour'. But when people are whining about things like 'We went to a wedding and later we found out that the ceremony we attended on the beach/in the garden/in a forest glade wasn't actually the legally binding one, and now I'm furious because I wouldn't have gone if I'd known we weren't going to see them sign the actual bit of paper that confirms they're married for tax reasons', those are the kinds of wedding guests that really ought to fuck right off.

The only rules there should be for weddings are:

• Invite whoever you want
• Wear what you want
• Let your guests wear what they want
• Feed people
• Be clear on the invitation what will happen on the day and what the venue's like so people can plan accordingly
• Don't be offended if your wedding is too expensive/far away/child-free/whatever for some people to attend
• Have a brilliant time

I agree, far too often couples’ weddings are ruined because their parents insist on doing it their way. Mine included! I gave up eventually and handed the reins over entirely to DH’s family. I do regret losing out on having a nice wedding but it was that or start married life with a rift so i felt stuck.

Same here.

Surely people do this anyway? I've seen weddings with black for bridges, small and nothing 'traditional', abroad (I did this, just 2 of us), eloping to Gretna, and all sorts in between.

Anyone who plans a wedding based on what they 'think' is traditional and they 'should' do it foolish. It can cost a lot of money too.

What I've seen more in recent years is HUGE weddings going over several days following HUGE hen and stag weekends, nights, weeks etc. Hiring accommodation centres/holiday home complexes, masses of 'tat' balloon tunnels, lights, plastic, flowers, trees of treats, piles of 'bits n bobs' for the tables etc etc. A mountain of spending. If they want it and can afford it... up to them, although the planet doesn't thank them. If they don't want it but do it because others did, more fool them. No of this signifies how much the love is or if the vows last more than a year or so.....

I don't think people should just start swearing. What if there are children around?

I got married in 2001 and pie instead of cake was on trend at the time (pork pie specifically, or a stack of cheeses) . My friend got married in red that same summer and we had Chinese (not takeaway tbf - just booked the restaurant out). Not sure dry chicken has ever been traditional. BBQs, fish and chips, hog roasts , ice cream vans have all been standard for over 3 decades. Often people just go with what is easy and a venue where you can have a ceremony and then have your guests fed is easy - but not if you start saying “the room is lovely but instead of any of these set menus where you are making your profit I’d like a takeaway to be brought in at 3pm or something your chef doesn’t offer and hasn’t ever cooked for 80 people before”

ABSOLUTELY!!
What is a wedding but a celebration of the Union of marriage.
Yes over the years there are certain expectations and traditions that are upheld that have become in some people's mind to be commonplace/expected but these are just expectations and traditions. Not all traditions are good. Not all expectations have to be followed.

for the most part I would say that a wedding ceremony should be personalized to the couple but also be respectful of the couples family and friends. Because a wedding is a celebration of the Union but all the guests are family and friends so you should be respectful of them as well. For instance you might be nudist but if all your family and friends would be uncomfortable with that, you might want to rethink your public wedding and just have a nude ceremony.
LOL I don't know why the idea of a nude ceremony came to me first as an example.

I feel appalled at waste and extra stress being placed on people when it's not necessary. I feel this way about Christmas every year, I hate seeing the waste of plastic junk that's used once then thrown out, the waste of paper, the waste of money the waste of food and how much stress people put into the holidays. And I feel the same way about weddings. So much money, so much planning, so much stress and for what? It's one day. It's not even the marriage, it's not the house, it's not the life together, it's one day.

I would say within reason, have whatever you want for your wedding. As long as you're both comfortable with it, and you're not alienating your guests too much with your choices (and if you are maybe don't invite any guests...)
And have a wonderful time with it.
It's just a party.

You only have to read any thread about wedding invites on here to know that people are very quick to say 'do it your way, do what makes you happy, there's no need to spend loads and make it stressful' but you MUST still invite certain people otherwise you are literally SPITTING IN THEIR FACE and you have NO RESPECT FOR THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE and you MUST invite people you dont know, dont like, or have only spoken a few words to because they are married to someone you want there and you MUST invites whole families and on and on it goes...

So AIBU to think couples should ignore all the tradition policing and do whatever the hell feels good to them?
I don't like it when people take it to extremes and do what they want without any thought to their guests.

Agree with @BarnacleBeasley and @Poppingby . It's lovely to say 'you do you' but in reality it's likely to be a disorganised mess OR far more expensive than even the normal wedding costs. If you don't want a traditional wedding, fine, but I'd advocate a small wedding or eloping. I've attended a wedding as a guest where they did do the traditional format but definitely focused on their own wants rather than hosting the guests (multiple photo shoots away from guests, for example). It was a bit of a crap wedding and I didn't enjoy it.

I agree people should have the wedding they want. Tradition where always new a one point
But please remember the comfort of your guests, if you want a vindaloo then great but maybe check if someone might want korma, (obviously using curry as a symbol). And remember the pictures aren’t the bell all and end all, it’s fine if aunty carol wants to wear blue instead of black.

DH and I were witnesses in New York at City Hall for the wedding of two strangers. A very special day for them - we are still in touch.

Totally agree. We went just the 2 of us to NYC. Total stranger for our witness.
My first wedding....didn't say traditional vows, 11 of us there, small lunch. No cake.

OMG yes - all of it was just a stress, DH and I nearly snuck off and did it when we were on holiday, just the 2 of us, but I knew my mum would be furious. I have DDs now and I absolutely will encourage them to (if) they get married to do it how they want to and stuff traditions

To some extent yes, but OTOH a lot of what mades a wedding special is the tradition/ceremony around it.

I don't think that means you have to perfectly stick to every tradition, but it wouldn't work if you just said hey I want to have a party to celebrate my relationship. People don't see it the same unless it's recognisably a "wedding". Part of the importance of it is because it's a cultural tradition which goes back generations.

I am on the fence

Inviting the family, in the widest meaning, when it might be the only time you ever invite them is not a bad thing. I think it's a shame when people don't get in touch with their relatives, cousins etc. Otherwise you might bump into them at funerals, when most of the times you could be very good friends.

Clothes, food and location? Of course do what you want, why wouldn't you?

As long as you are VERY clear on the invitations when it's not traditional. If you want an afternoon paintball for your wedding, go for it, just do let very clearly know aunt Carole so she doesn't turn up in her best heels and frock.

If you are planning it outside in a field, tell the guests too - if they need wellies, they need wellies. They can decline but they don't have to treck around in high heel sandals in a foot of mud.

It's not that I disagree with you, but what you tend to find with things that have been done in a particular way for years and years is that there tends to be a reason for each decision OR you just can't be arsed to make all the tiny decisions about cake knives or how to keep chinese food warm or how to stop it being a scrum at the buffet table. Not necessarily for wearing white (which I think is relatively modern in the whole history of marriage) but lots of other things.

Plus don't underestimate symbolism and conditioning, eg I didn't want my dad to give me away and he agreed as we're both feminists but when it came to it he felt like everyone would think I hated him, and I didn't want him to feel like that for such a small thing... and so on to infinity.