MIL getting me down

I think she’s envious and attention-seeking. I would say ‘well you don’t have to like it because it’s not your decision.’ Never ever ask her opinion on anything or show her anything.

Your responses and approach are all wrong, its not about being confrontational, youre giving her too much leeway. Opinions are like ar*holes, everyone has them, and usually they shouldn't be shared...

Youre dealing with someone who treats everything as her domain, gets her sense of importance from judging, and masks control as “preference.”

A big problem you have is also DP. Their ability to ignore it combined with the lack of boundaries + over-sharing just keeps giving MIL ammunition to wade in.

1. Stop giving MIL information. Full stop.

MIL only criticises what she knows. So cut the supply.

And DP needs to get on board. If he can ignore his mum, he can also stop feeding her intel that you can’t emotionally shrug off.

1. Don’t defend, don’t justify, don’t explain

your interactions give MIL the rope to keep tugging.

MIL: “I hate those flowers.”
you: “I like colour because spring….” (explanation = open door)

Instead:
“Noted.”
“We’re happy with it.”
“That’s okay. It’s already decided.”

Then change the subject or walk off.

3. Use one boundary sentence — and repeat it

“We’re not looking for input on this.”

“Thanks, but this decision is ours.”

“It’s sorted.”

“We’re doing it our way, but thanks.”

calmly, without debate. If MIL pushes again, repeat it verbatim.

4. DP does need to step up — but strategically

stop protecting DP from being uncomfortable. If his mum isn’t bothering him, great — but she’s hurting you.
and partnership means he acts even if he doesn’t personally feel the sting.

DP only needs to do two things:

1. Stop telling her details.
2. Back You Up in the moment.

MIL: “That venue is awful.”
DP: “We love it, and that’s what matters.”
Then he ends it there. She can huff, but she hears the message.

MIL’s disapproval is about control, not taste. You'll never get her approval so stop trying.
Once you stop trying to win approval, it becomes much easier to shrug off.

You’re not crazy — she is draining you. Stop giving her the information she uses to pick things apart, stop explaining your choices, and have one line ready for every negative comment. And DP needs to back you by keeping details to himself. You don’t need her approval — you just need space from her negativity.”

f you don’t put boundaries in now, she’s going to trample the wedding, the house, the baby situation one day… everything. The wedding is your first big chance to reset that dynamic.

YANBU, my MIL is the same. Opinion on everything. I do just ignore her though. I avoid as many gatherings as possible without it being obvious. Let your DP see her - go out when shes around. Protect your mental health from her as much as possible

It's not like she's commenting on life changing things or things that actually really matter to anyone but you so I'd ignore her.
However I would start putting in boundaries with my words as otherwise, if you have children then there could be more serious impact.

She doesnt have to get it. She doesnt have to like it. Its not her wedding, its yours and your future husbands. Shes had hers. I think its time for him to step in and tell his mum to wind her neck in. If shes this opinionated over a wedding then youre in for a hell of a ride when the babies come!

Strict information diet required.

See her as little as possible.

Move far far away before having any children.

She sounds awful and I agree with you, however you just need to be forceful and shut her down.

she doesn’t like the paint - “good job it’s not you living here Maureen”.

she doesn’t like your wedding dress “good job it’s not you deciding Maureen”.

the hat conversation - “that’s your choice Maureen”.

doesn’t like the venue - “good job it’s not your decision Maureen”.

just shut her down with a short sentence and don’t engage in any more conversation. You need to find your voice and ignore her.

Poor you! She may well get worse in the lead up to the wedding. My MIL was a complete pain in my wedding preparations. My tactic was to give her a role- I literally asked her to take care of the flowers in the church and at the reception. I wasn’t bothered about the flowers and it created a way for her to channel her energy and feel very important. I then shut her out of every other aspect of the planning. That won’t work for everyone though.

You may just need to create a lot of distance and exclude her from any process that is jot finalised. If this doesn’t work, you could try the direct approach and say something like, ‘That’s a bit direct/rude’ or ‘You have a strong opinion on this, but it’s very important to me…’ or ‘that’s not a very helpful thing to say’, etc. And then push back each time while asserting your boundaries.

I’m afraid this is no easy fix if you want her in your life.

100% this. Imo just don't engage or even properly answer her.

Dont cut her off (drama plus difficult with DH plus possible regret etc - and she might be going through something and will change) but don't give her energy or even really listen to her if she's like this.

Your convo about flowers- don't waste your energy! Just say Hmm after the first comment from her and move away. satisfying power move.

Honestly, these sound like completely ignorable instances of a rather bossy, tactless woman being bossy and tactless.

My MIL is very similar, but I don’t give it a second thought, any more than it would occur to me to take her advice, or pretend I was considering it. . I quite like mine, despite the bossiness and tactlessness.

Stop caring. Do the ‘hahaha, anyway…’ ignore and move on.

What a truly dreadful person your future MIL is. She is negative, interfering and overbearing and you must find her completely unbearable.

TBH, I'd tell her that if she makes any more comments about how awful your wedding arrangements are, she won't be welcome to attend.

It would probably be best if you are completely no contact by the time you have any children.

Sounds like my mother - I just ignore.

I couldn't tolerate a second of this and I'd be telling DP you want nothing to do with her, you don't owe her a relationship. If he doesn't accept this and tell her exactly why I'd seriously reconsider marrying him.

Imagine what she'll be like when you have a child?

You poor soul. Your mother in law sounds like my mother.

I've found that a combination of 'mmmm, I can see why you'd think that', and 'oh well, it would be a funny old world if we all thought alike', while blithely doing my own thing, works well. It has the benefit of driving them up the wall, because it gives them nothing to take against, or prolong the dispute.

As well as turning her contrariness into a drinking game. (Fair warning, you're likely to get well pissed if you do this. . .)