MIL getting me down

OMG... are u marrying into my family and having my MIL as ur MIL too? Lol

My MIL is really negative and likes to stick her oar into everything as well. Ive tolerated it over the years but no more. I just tell her what i think nowadays and i couldnt care less about her opinions. Stand up for yourself otherwise she will drive you insane.

Every time she says something like this simply respond with “cheese burger” and then promptly start a new conversation about something else.

Mine can be like that, and it's down to the fact she is insecure and jealous, but also because she's not in control and not the centre of her son's world.
We just say things like "Oh well, you've not got to wear it/live there etc.

Dear me.
stop inviting her for these things and any question should be met by « I haven’t decided yet »…
« Really…but the wedding is tomorrow! »
« I better go and figure it out now, you are right! »

and off you go.

You are wanting some validation from her. Quite normal. And she doesn’t give it to you. And she probably never as it has been 10years she is like that?

Just stop waiting.

Just keep smiling and nodding op, you don't need to offer a verbal reply, just an absent minded 'yes' and smile, you will take all of the power away from her words

Very good points there. I didn't understand my own mother’s unrelenting negativity within the family until I was in my thirties.
In her case there was a specific and untreated trauma behind her acting this way, and if we understand these things it makes them very much easier to accept (stating the bleedin’ obvious, I know!) But humanising certain behaviour which angers or repels us makes life calmer, for sure.

As luck would have it, my SIL is also a downer, in a kind of reflex action way. She’d no more enthuse wildly about something than she’d fly to the moon. Never seeks to praise or celebrate, but has to find some fault.
It’s so very marked a characteristic, it’s actually a beloved and very amusing trait now in the family, like a very strange way of holding a teacup might be!
She’s one of my favourite people on Earth, kind and generous and talented, but my gawd she can’t half strike an unwanted tone.
It’s always best either to ignore it, or laugh uproariously.

OP is enabling her. He needs to stop running decisions by her and giving so much info to her. She has too much control in your life because she is being given the control.
the fact she mentioned being upstaged is quite telling.
do what other posters have said- limit contact with her. Shut down with short sentences. Don’t invite her to look at property, wedding venues etc.
a bigger problem is getting your DP to do the same. He’s so used to doing this that before you know it he’ll be 30/40 years old and mummy is still heavily invested in your lives.

My mother is like this. I don't think she's liked or approved of a single thing I've done since I turned 18! (and even before that).

People like her and your future MIL can't get their heads around the concept that other people have different tastes/opinions to them. In their eyes, their opinions are the 'right' ones and everyone who doesn't agree with them is 'wrong'.

Like other posters have said, all you can do is put her on an information diet/not invite her to anything where she can give her opinion. Obviously it would be better if your fiance could do the same, but as someone whose partner is also an only child, I know how difficult it is to get them to stop oversharing with their parents. In my case the problem was only half solved by my MIL dying...

Certainly in my MIL’s case, it comes from two things — (1) having grown up the eldest of 13 and having essentially had to be an extra authority figure while her permanently-pregnant mother blatantly favoured the boys and let MIL run herself ragged, which meant she had to develop a big mouth and sharp elbows, and (2) adjusting to the fact that she’s no longer the matriarch of a clan with a key role in all decision making. Her children and grandchildren (and a couple of great-grandchildren) are leading their own lives, doing things she doesn’t understand and doesn’t like, and not consulting her. She’s struggling with irrelevance.

Obviously it’s annoying, but I just ignore, as does DH.

She sounds awful and a lot like my MIL! I’ve found over the last 20 years that as little interaction as possible is the only way. My DH doesn’t really see what she is like so I feel unsupported by him and have had to muddle through myself.

My MIL has only ever worked part time and had been retired for many years without ever investing much in hobbies, interests or friends and I think she has become over invested in the lives of her grown up children as a consequence.
I just shut her down at every turn now, change the subject or don’t comment at all, I’m not interested in her opinion anyway so I try not to take it personally, nothing I decide would be to her liking anyway.

Stop inviting her to things like viewing the wedding venue. Only inform her of decisions once they are made, eg flowers, and once the wall paint has dried. Don’t tell her about your dress - it’s none of her business - say “you’ll have to wait and see”. Let her stew about competing with your mums hat if she wants to but just ignore.

I have had this with both MIL and mother with our wedding, then subsequently pregnancy, baby and parenting. The only way I survived was to not involve them in anything until after the event or until after decisions were made. Draw your boundaries now OP.

Another option, which might be a bit more confrontational, could be to ask her why it matters. She says she doesn’t like where you are planning to move to.
You calmly ask why that matters.

It will probably confuse her and you might need to ask again why it matters if she doesn’t like it. But maybe she will realise what she thinks doesn’t matter without you having to spell it out more forcefully. She won’t like it, your husband probably won’t like it but it might work

There's some fantastic advice on this thread!
I had a MIL like yours but I bit my tongue for the sake of peace. It helped that she made similar comments to others, so I didn't take it too personally.
It's absolutely correct to just politely put her in her place by stating that you like such and such, end of. Finish the conversation and move on.
Don't let her get too involved, she will learn eventually. Never let her know she's needling you, just state facts emphatically and move on.

I think this response is great.

You can’t control her behaviour but you can severely limit your exposure to it.

I agree with this. She’s so blatant, it’s just a joke. She doesn’t sound as if she’s deliberately trying to undermine you or insert herself between you and your husband - she just seems unbearably opinionated and critical. I can totally understand why it’s getting on your nerves but perhaps don’t allow her to be quite so involved with your life.

That's not a MIL problem, but a future husband problem. 🤔
He needs to back you up and shut it down NOW. 😠
He may be okay with her busting boundaries, but when kids come on the scene, it will be become unbearable. 😭
Where is your FIL? Or is your MIL alone?
Has your future hubby got any siblings?
Do they all enable this controlling behaviour, disguised as her point of view?
🤨

The solution is a 'MIL diet' with tips to protect your sanity, such as:

1. Limit your interactions with her.
2. Limit your responses with succinct answers/ shut downs.
3. Limit giving out any further information to her.
4. Limit everything on your part and tell him to step up. 💯

I get it, it's exhausting. But she's not going to change so you have to.

I agree just shut her down. But you could also go further and pre-empt her and/or make a bit more of a deal o fit, "Maureen, of COURES you don't like the venue - you don't like anything we choose. I'm used to it. <tinkly laugh>"

"Maureen, we're ging to this restaurant for my birthday on Friday. Don't worry, I already know you probably don't like it but it's okay, becuase I do."

"When we chose the paint colours, it was a toss up bewteen which one you'd hate the most but based on past experience, it's probably this one because it's the one we liked the most."

Ok. You have been unintentionally trained to people please. As a result you care that this woman isn’t pleased by your choices.

That’s the problem. She’s an opinionated tactless woman who is not going to change because it bothers you.

You have to change your perception and reaction. You have to stop being hurt that she doesn’t like your choices. You need to view her like the weather- something to work around and dress for. Don’t take her places or show her stuff. Your DP can if he wants to.

When she says something is awful, you don’t have to answer. If you want to answer you can just say ‘oh’. You don’t have to persuade her to agree with you, or justify your choices.

She’s like the rain. Take basic evasive action when you can, and just get on with it.

I've got one like this too. It must be so miserable to be so negative and have every thought that comes into your head be a complaint. I just look at her and blink and say nothing, makes it awkward haha.

I don’t get it
You don’t need to.

I hate hats
Don’t wear one.

im not happy about…..
we are.

I understand @Avocad1sh It’s the relentlessness of it.

If you take no steps to deal with it (and one expects that this would last for the rest of her/your life), everyone else will sail along through life blithely and you will trudge through life seething with resentment and unhappiness. Why should you live like that?

It’s DP’s mother. Men don’t really put themselves out until they have been put out. He needs to be made so uncomfortable by you that he shuts her down. My line (because I can be unbelievably blunt) would be “you sort her out, DP, or I will and it won’t be pretty “. And I would follow through.