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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is okay to keep my home tidy without being called controlling?

31 replies

warrenettie · 21/11/2025 03:56

My friend keeps telling me I am “too tidy” and that my place looks like I am expecting visitors at any moment. For context, I just like my home to feel calm and easy to move around in. I pick things up as I go, I put things back where they belong, and I cannot relax if the sofa is covered in toys and yesterday’s bowls.
The friend in question thinks homes should look “lived in” and that cleaning can wait until the weekend. I honestly do not care how she runs her house. I never comment. But every time she comes over she jokes that she feels like she needs to take her shoes off and whisper in case she “messes up my system.”
I find it annoying because I am not forcing anyone to do anything. I just like my space clean. It makes my day easier and it stops me from losing my mind when everything piles up.
AIBU to think it is perfectly normal to want my home tidy and that she is the one making it a big deal?

OP posts:
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aLFIESMA · 24/11/2025 08:45

I had a friend like this and ended up so wary of her comments that I would strew things around & mess up the cushions before she arrived!

Zempy · 24/11/2025 07:10

I think your friend is rude.

I am slovenly and one of my best friends is super tidy. We acknowledge that neither of us could live like the other, but actually neither of us is “wrong”. She enjoys the freedom of being in my home where she says “anything goes!” and I can appreciate the order in hers. We don’t feel the need to criticise each other.

Orangepate · 24/11/2025 06:31

I find that “Fuck off!” Is a full sentence.

Bikergran · 24/11/2025 06:29

I'm like you. I could have unexpected guests and not feel embarrassed. She is rude.

Devilsmommy · 24/11/2025 06:16

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 21/11/2025 07:27

I agree, I used to always clean and tidy in the morning so that I could get on with my day happy although not down to every last piece of fluff or anything. Now with baby and older cat, it's not as easy 🥲

Mines a toddler now and I still can't get back to full on cleaning it. Definitely lowered standards when he was born 🤭

AutumnLeavesFallingFast · 24/11/2025 04:16

I think you need a few days away, what time will you get here tomorrow?

CurlewKate · 24/11/2025 03:12

Big difference between yesterday’s bowls on the sofa and toys on the sofa.

Original poster
warrenettie · 24/11/2025 03:07

WithDiamonds · 21/11/2025 09:08

I had a friend like this who was really critical of my house being tidy. Her house was very untidy, piles of stuff all over the floor and stuff like dirty water kept in a bucket for days. I never said a word about her house. It’s a bit like people being rude about women being slim but no one can say a word about them being overweight.

The friendship ended, her instigation though it was obviously on the slide. I realised how critical she had been of everything . She was very chippy about her background. We were both from very humble backgrounds, I never hide my roots, she was ashamed of hers.

That actually sounds really familiar. It is funny how the people who make the biggest comments about someone else’s standards are often the ones who would be furious if you ever said anything back. And you are right, there is definitely a double standard there.
I do think some of it comes from insecurity though. When someone feels touchy about their own situation, they look for something to pick at in others. It does not excuse the behaviour, but it kind of explains why every little thing becomes a dig.
I am not at the stage of ending the friendship, but I can see how the constant criticism would grind you down. It is tiring when you cannot just be yourself without feeling like you are being picked apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
warrenettie · 24/11/2025 03:05

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 21/11/2025 04:04

I’d love to be as clean as you … I’m trying …. but I agree I can’t stand mess and clutter it makes me feel stressed!!

Your “friend” is just trying to empty your bucket to try and make herself feel better…. Try and have catchups outside the house in future or tell her opinions are like farts …. Everyone’s got on inside them but they don’t need to all come outside!!

That actually made me laugh, but yes I get what you mean. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad and I am definitely not judging her house. I just function better when things are in their place.
I think you are right that some people project a bit when they see someone doing things differently. Maybe I will suggest meeting out somewhere next time so it does not turn into a running joke every visit. I just want a normal chat without having to defend why my cushions are straight.

OP posts:
HelpMeGetThrough · 21/11/2025 09:29

I get where you are coming from OP. I like a clutter free, clean and tidy home. I put things back in their place when finished with and hoover the house every day, dust three times a week. As you say, it stops things piling up. For me, it also means there is no manic all over clean needed at the end of the week.

I’ve been told that the house isn’t a “show home”. Agreed, but it’s far more relaxing to be in the house when it’s clutter free, clean and tidy.

I’m not changing for anyone, why should I? It’s not them doing it, it’s me.

Pavementworrier · 21/11/2025 09:22

I hate tidiness but your friend is being a 🐮

You get to decide what makes your habitat comfortable to you

Octavia64 · 21/11/2025 09:21

My grandma liked her house tidy.

if you put a cup down she’d tidy it away whether you’d finished it or not.

nobody was allowed to put anything anywhere. If you were cooking you had to tidy as you go.

houses can be too tidy.

Turnitoffnonagain · 21/11/2025 09:19

You need to practice your Paddington stare.
Or, next time she says something say " this again. Long pause. Get over it, Lisa, you are getting boring" 🫤

TheNightingalesStarling · 21/11/2025 09:17

If you are hovering with the hoover while someone eats a biscuit,or tidying up toys half way through a game, or barely letting someone finish a cup if tea, you would be controlling.

But putting stuff away when finished with,not letting washing up build up, keeping toys organised etc is normal.

Jugendstiel · 21/11/2025 09:15

Wow. I love a 'lived in' look but it definitely doesn't include yesterday's bowls or toys on the sofa. I think your standards are fine.

TheCosyViewer · 21/11/2025 09:14

Your friend isn’t being nice, no doubt she would like a clean/tidy home but couldn’t be bothered about actually putting the effort in to achieve this. I’d be the same as you, though there never would be bowls left on the sofas, even for a minute! I’m sure you’re already mentioned to her that if you tidy as you go along, it takes seconds whereas as leaving it until the weekend results in a bigger and more time consuming effort.

Next time she mentions taking off her shoes, say .. yes, please do, we don’t really wear shoes around the house. Don’t engage with her when she talks about her cleaning habits vs yours. Just move the conversation on.

Ineedanewsofa · 21/11/2025 09:12

Yesterday’s bowls etc is absolute slob behaviour, sounds like she’s embarrassed about being a grot and is taking it out on you. Not a good friend IMO…

WithDiamonds · 21/11/2025 09:08

I had a friend like this who was really critical of my house being tidy. Her house was very untidy, piles of stuff all over the floor and stuff like dirty water kept in a bucket for days. I never said a word about her house. It’s a bit like people being rude about women being slim but no one can say a word about them being overweight.

The friendship ended, her instigation though it was obviously on the slide. I realised how critical she had been of everything . She was very chippy about her background. We were both from very humble backgrounds, I never hide my roots, she was ashamed of hers.

BuckChuckets · 21/11/2025 08:50

I'm really messy, I do try to keep my house tidy but I really struggle, even with a cleaner. Personally I love spending time in super tidy friends' houses!

LikeAHandleInTheWind · 21/11/2025 07:42

She's just trying to justify her home being a tip. Ignore or start meeting up elsewhere.

Brenda34 · 21/11/2025 07:40

Meet elsewhere and don't take it to heart. Your friend has dreadful manners.

Allschoolsareartschools · 21/11/2025 07:37

I had a friend like this, she always used to 'joke' that she felt like Hyacinth Bucket's nervous neighbour! Very tiresome.
I agree a home should be lived in but how it looks is completely up to the person who actually lives there!!

Sunshinesmon · 21/11/2025 07:36

I think there's a big difference between so tidy you're scared to move, and yesterday's bowls on the sofa!

I had a friend, as a child, who's home was so immaculate we didnt feel welcome. Child was visi my stressed at the prospect of making any mess at all, that cant be right.

Yesterday's plates spread around the house is horrible.

ButtonMushrooms · 21/11/2025 07:33

We're all different, I'm closer to your friend but I certainly wouldn't criticise you for your approach.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 21/11/2025 07:32

I would just not invite her around anymore, and tell her its because she criticises your home to much. She must live in a pig sty only cleaning once a week!