Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

She said clearly it is because he said she's shit at sports

I am really shocked that so many women admit that they would struggle alone with their newborn on this site. You know lots of women, especially women who arent wealthy, look after their babies totally alone from day 1.

If certain men in power saw these comments, they wouldn't allow us to be single mothers. Definitely no IVF without a partner.

Ok.. so what’s the issue with you not being invited then? You’re both having separate holidays, which in your opinion is totally fine, but also you’re cross that you’re not invited on his?

Good grief people are dramatic, I don’t know how they think military wives cope when their partners go away for months at a time, yes even with young babies, and that’s just one niche example.

Anyway OP, it does seem a bit of a shame, you’d think he’d be happy you were there. It’s odd he doesn’t want 2 important parts of his life to mesh, I think all you can do is sit him down and try to get to the bottom of how he’s feeling. See if there’s any evidence for the excuse he’s given, or if there’s something else on his mind.

Is there a way that he could have said no I don't want you there that wouldn't hurt your feelings? If your dh asked to go away with you and your friends and then sulked when you said no how would you feel? You put him in an awkward position where the only 'right' answer was yes of course you can come despite how he feels. So were you actually asking if you could go or were you demanding that he takes you with him?

I would be offended too. You didn't say you wanted to show everyone how it's done ffs. You just wanted to join in the fun from the sidelines. Sounds like you being pregnant has made him think of you as less than everyone else. Why? What was his parent's relationship like? He's probably worried that he may have to care for the baby too, and he's planning on just having fun, without distractions.

Did you invite DH to join you and your friends on your 30th trip last year? Is DH invited to join you on the hen-do in August?

If the answer is no - then it’s not unreasonable that he wants to have a trip away with his friends without you.

Clearly your husband and his friends (and at least 2 of the girlfriends) are sporty. The holiday sounds like sporting activities will be the main focus, and you don't appear to be particularly sporty. OK, so you're not bad at tennis, but the rest? Be honest with yourself. Is this a holiday you would choose? I'm not sporty, and this would be my worst nightmare!! Is your husband perhaps trying to make you understand, that you wouldn't enjoy the holiday, rather than not wanting you to come? There's no point in you going, if you aren't going to enjoy it, and embrace the activities.

Everyone I know has separate holidays - honestly it’s the only way sometimes when you have a child - better that the child gets to stay with one parent and the other is rested every now and then. You are still people in their own rights not just parents.

we are in our 40’s btw. My mother in law thinks it’s wild that we go away separately - the way she says it I feel sorry for her and her life. She could never possibly spend a night apart from her husband. Tragic!!!

Its not his decision. He doesnt decide what you get to do and he certainly doesnt get to be rude to you.

Without sounding harsh, as someone that plays a lot of tennis, it’s really annoying if you play doubles and one of the players is not on the same level. If you’ve gone away specifically to do sports you want to do them properly.

Sorry just seen you aren’t the only ones with children! You might find that some do, but it’s rarely whole weeks when dcs are young. Apart from anything else, you often need to save your leave for school holiday cover, when both parents work it’s the norm that drop offs and pick ups from childcare is shared, one parent being away for a work week causes problems for the other if their work hours are based round the other parent doing one or both side of childcare run.

I think you might not be super keen leave a 7 month old overnight (which could involve pumping milk and then pumping while you are there) for a trip that's probably not your cup of tea. You might be super up for it but you won't know yet how you'll feel.

I think it's annoying that they invited some of the partners and not all but as long as you are getting your own break later in the year it's not a huge deal.
Parenthood is full of making compromises about going to things and weighing up what is worth going to . DH and I have both done trips on our own and it's definitely been good for our sanity/ marriage. He definitely went away when they were small babies and I was fine.

I do think it’s fine to be hurt by his reasons. Can you not just relax with a book while they play sports? Is there a spa?

I do think it’s shitty that he gets two holidays and you got one.

Will there be a family holiday as well or are his two trips his leave done?

If you have just turned 30, I presume you’re the only ones with dcs. Might they be scared you will bring the baby?

It would have been better if he said, let’s wait and see if you want to come on trip for a couple of days, but I suspect, as you’ve done your 30th with friends, he also just wants it to be friends and he couldn’t actually say was the real reason, it would bug me, he needs to say it as it is.

I wonder if the group would prefer that no partners came, but then an exception was made for the “known” partner and then that led to another exception and now they see the nature of the trip changing?

(DH went away when ds1 was 4 months old, I was deeply relaxed about it)

You’re grossly underestimating how incredibly hard it will be that freshly postpartum but also how selfish he’d be to go on the trip in Feb. That’s why you’re getting the comments.

He obviously just doesn’t want you there. Yes that’s hurtful. But what can you do about it? You had a baby with someone who thinks these types of trips with a newborn are acceptable.

Me too, so boring reading the same ‘I’m more shocked he’s going on holiday’ comments than actual advice.

personally though OP, I think neither side is unreasonable. You also fancy a couple days away and the change of scenery would be nice, so you’re not unreasonable to ask.

However, DH and his friends probably aren’t all that impressed that the new girl is going either, it was probably intended to be a ‘uni’ trip and the more partners and people who go from outside that circle just doesn’t match the atmosphere. So I wouldn’t be hurt by his decision to say no.

Could you book a nice little b&b somewhere for yourself either inbetween his holidays or when he’s away too?

I can understand both sides, and yes I would be upset for the reasons given.

But a lot would depend if you have planned a little family holiday or a night away as a couple later in the year?

I can say as a single mother it's perfectly doable to manage one 7 month, old full time without breaking a sweat.

The shocking bit is having a partner that hasn't factored in having equal holidays for his lovely wife.

You probably won’t care when the baby is born but yeah I’d be pissed off by his comment.

One reason separate holidays tend to stop when kids come along is cost. Most people would rather spend the majority of their holiday money/days off with their family. DH and I did (& still do) do separate trips away but not with a tiny newborn & not great big groups of friends camps (sounds pricey for starters).

Wait and see how you feel when the baby is here. I had all sorts of plans when pregnant. Then didn’t want to do any of them.

Do you actually want to go, participate and have a good time, or do you want to be included just because?

If my DH had this planned I’d be glad he was enjoying himself. I wouldn’t expect him to include me out of duty/obligation even if it wasn’t my cup of tea.

I think solo trips are fine, DH and I have 5 kids and have done plenty of solo trips!

I think this is his way of saying he doesn't want you to come because he wants to have fun with his friends and having you there will change the dynamics and he will have to think about you and whether you're having a good time. Just let him go and have a good break with his friends - you've got your hen do in August to look forward to!

Although I think your DH is being unfair is saying you can’t come as you aren’t sporty enough, I just don’t think you are fully appreciating the big change which is about to happen in both of your life’s.

I know every person is different and every baby is different but leaving your baby to go on holiday seems wild to me. I really wouldn’t want to have done it. Ignoring all the logistics of pumping, feeding, time of work for other parent, childcare. I just didn’t t want to be away from my baby and wanted missed him so much and although I knew he was fine and in very capable hands, there was some sort of biological urge wanting me to be close to him.

Before making any firm plans, if I was you, I would reallly consider wanting until your baby is here and seeing how you feel.