Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

I’d be hurt too. I think it’s natural to feel that way. We feel like our partners should want us there no matter what, even if they think we are crap at sports!

The issue of you not being good at sports is a red herring. The fact is, he doesn't want you there. That's a bigger issue.

Of course people do, it’s quite common within my friendship circle for people to go away without their spouses and then swap over and the other person goes away without their spouses friends at another point.
I would be hurt that if other partners were going he didn’t ask you to attend, unless there is a massive back story that you’ve previously attended a sporty event and have moaned the entire time.

Yes I would be hurt. One or two of the other partners are joining in and you want to go. It's as if he's put you in a box and wants to keep you there. Also he has accused you of moaning. Not nice.

But this doesn't sound like the kind of holiday where he'll have much time for you. You'll probably have to amuse yourself and just do whatever you enjoy and let him do whatever he wants while you're there. Sounds very much like a group not a couple setup and I wouldn't go at all if I was going to be hurt by him sticking with the group and not dropping out of anything to be with you.

This.

He seems to think that he'll be able to have the same social life after the baby's born as he's having now. That needs nipping in the bud imo, as the only way it's possible is if you do all the childcare while he's off having fun, OP.

Which is it? You want to holiday separately, you want to holiday together, or you want your DH to invite you on his holidays but you don’t want him coming on yours?

Did he go away with you for your 30th last year and is he coming with you when you go away next year?

Yes of course as a family 2-3 times weekends away and always a week in the sun somewhere.

mother in law says she couldn’t leave husband as would miss him too much even for one night

Sounds sexist to me, the men are good so for women to join they have to be great. And what a boring attitude, you can't just play to have a bit of fun? Plus evenings hanging out, breakfast together. Plus that's not really his call, 'you're not allowed to come because you're not good enough' is nasty. He sounds like a dickhead

Dh usually had an annual trip with his dps before we met. I had our ds and he turned down the invitation.. Mil never forgave us.
But op you aren't considering once your awaited dc is here you both may actually prefer - for the early months-to actually be there with your dc. Nothing to do with keeping your friends /still socialising - but those early months go so fast. Plenty of time for solo trips later on.

I wonder if this is the way the person who had invited their partner has wangled it “I know it was just supposed to be us bit she’s an excellent tennis player and it’ll mean X has a partner for mixed doubles”. And the rest of the group (reluctantly?) has agreed on that for this one partner, but they don’t want it becoming a big everyone-and-their-partners trip.

Do people really never go on separate holidays once they have children?

In my experience, they don’t - at least not if we are talking full weeks/fortnights away that involve big chunks of annual leave and cost. People might go on a golf trip/a weekend away for a friend’s birthday (that sort of thing), but otherwise there usually simply isn’t the time or money to go round without there not being “a family holiday”. And that’s really important for most people.

I would be hurt too tbh. Xx

Good advice. We booked two foreign holidays when I was pregnant with our first child having no idea what we were letting ourselves in for. We then barely made it out of the country for a decade!

Yes this would be my read of it too.

Assuming you’re generally happy with the principle of individual holidays, I think it is fine for a trip with uni mates to be just those mates.

Sounds like someone has muddied the waters by inviting a non-uni partner but it doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is happy with that - if everyone invited their partner it quite changes the dynamic of the trip and that’s not DH’s decision alone.

You’ve said there’s only 2 partners of 8 going and one isn’t really a partner, if she was part of the uni group too… so there’s 1 of 8 going. He doesn’t want you too. It might have nothing to do with your sporting prowess, and more that he enjoys holidaying with her friends without you? You’ve implied that you do too, when people use questioned why he holidays so much without you.

It is unusual for this to be the case, I don’t know any families who take holidays separately outside of big events.

You can absolutely maintain the separate holidays part with kids, but the flip side of that is accepting that you prefer to holiday apart, and that you can’t really change the status quo and invite yourself along.

I’d be tempted to let this slide until baby is here and people step back from being super helpful in the newborn days and then see where you are and how you feel. It’s very possible one or both of you would rather holiday together, with or without baby, than spend so much time apart.

I think the holidays are fine but I’d be hurt I want able to go too OP.

I think she's hurt because he said she's crap at sports and his female friends are much better.

Personally I think this sounds a healthy view on holidays.

Initially I thought ywnbu but after your updates I can see why your H might prefer to go alone. You have 2 holidays without him and if sports aren't particularly your thing he would worry you're not getting involved and unhappy. Some down time with no one else to consider can be good ...

I think you have a big surprise coming. It happens to us all, but whatever the picture of parenthood you have in your head is, it's not going to be like that.

Its not that people never have seperate holidays once DC arrive, but usually it's a rarity, not several times a year, simply because parents prefer to spend their limited annual leave with DC/as a family.

I do think two holidays in the first year of a baby's life is too much for numerous reasons.

I also don't think you'll want to leave a 7 mo baby. You say baby wont know, but all the bonds that last forever are formed in that first year. That's why even children who were adopted in infanthood still often have the difficulties associated with separation disorders. I'm not saying a few days away will have that kind of impact, but once baby is here, I don't think you'll want to go.

She can’t firmly defend the idea of separate holidays when actually she’s getting upset that she’s not invited.
If you’re having a holiday separate to your partner, then there is some reason you don’t want them there - they won’t enjoy it, they’ll change the “vibe”, you’re looking forward to just being with your friends. All totally fine, but easy to come across as a bit hurtful if your partner (who has previously said they’re totally fine with separate holidays) then starts asking why they can’t come.

I think its understandable you feel hurt. I suspect DH has an idea life is about to change and wants to enjoy his time and is worried (perhaps unnecessarily) that if its not your thing he will need to prioritise your comfort over his fun.

You seem to have a decent, supportive relationship where hes prepared to take his turn of childcare - so talk to him about how you feel

Why exactly will OP be 'wondering what he's up to with these sporty girls'!!!

The sporty women in question are the partners of two of his friends. I don't think there's any implication he will be trying to have an affair with them?

Honestly.

Frankly OP, I think this is a case where it's hurtful but also true. The holiday probably isn't your bag, and if you go on it there will likely be compromises around how the time is spent when you are there. Your DH may not mind that in a scenario where the holiday is just for you two, but may be aware others will mind, and doesn't want tension. Rather than acknowledging this and dealing with it and accepting a few days away from the main crowd on the holiday he's taken the easier (but hurtful) route of saying don't come.

I think don't go. Enjoy your break with your sister, and get planning a second as you have one owed!

DH and I often have separate holidays, actually moreso after children as he prefers things like camping, music festivals etc.

I couldn’t get past the “only sporty women allowed” vibe though.

Do you go away as a family too though? Or are holidays only for adults? If the latter, I could see her point.

I think it's more odd that a partner is going. I'm a lot older so I have had my 30s, 40s and 50s uni trips and no partners, did do trips with partner too. The new born one is probably the one that I would raise an eyebrow about, but you are fine with that. Did any partners go on your 30th trip ?