Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

Why?

It does no harm to the child if one parent is away for a few days.

Some parents work away on a weekly basis.

He’s not a partner who supports you is he? I’d go in full on with the very strong view that he’s made his bed that he’s going to be a bit of a jerk to you and he doesn’t get to also choose you to be sweet and kind about it. He walks into the room, I say oh sitting on this sofa is about as hard as hanging out on a yacht, so I’m not a good enough tennis player to do that apparently, and leave the room. ‘I’d have cooked dinner but that’s way harder than lounging by the pool and I’m apparently not sporty enough to be tolerated to lounge by a pool so you better do it.’ ‘No thanks I’ll just hang out on my own, good practice for me for when you’re off on your friends and partners holiday’
Because it is shitty of him.

hmmm..maybe you should have waited a few years before having children.

It's not the struggling.

My DH wouldn't have wanted to be away from our newborns anymore than I would have.

I am agog at affording all these separate holidays though!

I think his reasons for you not going are hurtful, but you will manage fine, my husband worked away from home every week from before our daughter was born and only had one day off in which he travelled back home to see us. Yes it was hard more so when I went back to work full time but you manage because you have to.

I would be amazed if you could not cope for a week alone, it might be nice for you to have a nice little week just you and the baby doing what you want when you want.

That's the overwhelming majority of men in the world not a few oddballs.

My take:
It's a uni group holiday. Presumably they have always been a sports focused group. Partner A is invited because she has always been part of the group- she just happens to also be in a relationship with Man A.

Partner B has (I'm guessing) met Man B and they share a mutual enjoyment of sports. He has asked the group if she can come. They have agreed, although I bet some people are disgruntled.

People are forgetting that there are 6 other people including OPs DH who get a say in who comes. It isn't for her DH to unilaterally decide he is bringing his wife. If OP comes the whole vibe is different, the numbers become uneven, whoever was sharing a room with OP DH is now kicked out for 3 nights- to sleep where? Other partners now- quite rightly- want to come. There are now more rooms and more expense and the sports holiday is now a couples holiday. Partners start to be annoyed that the guys are going off to play sport and not spending time with them If I was Man C, D or E I would be really put out by this complete change of flavor of the holiday.

I assume DH didn't tag on to your 30th? And isn't going to your sisters hen do?

What he said may have been a bit blunt, bit tbh it sounds like its also true!

Do you actually want to go or do you just have a bit of FOMO?

It sounds as though half of the activities they’ve planned you aren’t interested in and wouldn’t attend - but these are why they’re going.

I think when 1 member of the group doesn’t want to do things it can massively affect the dynamics.
You may be ok staying by yourself all day but they’ll feel guilty and potentially cut things short.

I can’t see what you’d get out of this holiday - surely it would be better booking your own holiday with friends doing things you want to do.

Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and DH doing separate holidays.
Its fine he’s going away when you have a baby as you are fine with it.

Remember half of MNers are in relationships where they track each others whereabouts.
I would not take relationship advice from them.

It would also be "fair" were he to go away for his 40th as the quid pro quo of your holiday on your 30th, when you will no longer be dealing with a new born.

Going on separate holidays is fine, as long as there's open communication to make sure the timing works for both of you and that there's an equitable split.

However, I'd very strongly dislike being spoken to as your husband spoke to you: I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.

Why is he singling out the other "girls" being especially "sporty", rather than saying, just for example, that the whole group are keen athletes who've been training regularly for months and the pace will be too rigorous for someone who has not had that routine? The "you wouldn't enjoy it" and "would probably complain it's boring" can come across as demeaning because he's speaking to you as if you were a clueless child and he the adult who knows what's best for you rather than speaking to you as a partner and an equal, describing what the excursions would be like and letting you see that they may not be suitable or enjoyable for you.

IME, men like that have usually been 'mothered' their whole lives, usually move on from a 'mothering' family immediately to a 'mothering' wife, the blokes I know who are selfish at home, have been created by old fashion upbringings in that the mother & sisters are the one that did/do everything around the house and they don't have to lift a finger except go out to work and come back.

It's hardly surprising they turn out the way they do, and it sounds like your sister agreed to take the children every day for him, even though he is more than capable of doing it himself.. both sound like the fall into the roles they have been assigned for them.

you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time

This is the bit that would annoy me! Do you complain a bit ? I'd be more than happy to fill in my days on my own and spend time together in the evening or less sporty activities. I'd be super annoyed if my DH said I'd complain the whole time because that's not who I am!.

I’m all for getting under the skin of an issue but given they both seem happy to arrange their own solo trips generally, it just seems like FOMO because she likes the sound of a yacht trip and lounging by the pool? Which is fair enough, who wouldn’t - but doesn’t give her the right to gatecrash her partner’s holiday.

Is she also an immature, inconsiderate idiot because she is going on a 4 day hen trip later in the year leaving DH and baby behind?

Some people are happy to do solo trips and have the resources and support that allows them to do so, good for them.

Yes OP this is the crux of it. You’ll get a lot of votes saying YANBU that honestly are probably from people who aren’t very sporty themselves and are just personally offended about sports holidays lol - but the main priority is for you to unpack why you’re offended about this and whether it’s actually something deeper - it kind of sounds like it is because on the face of it it’s nothing personal to not be invited to a tennis holiday when you don’t enjoy tennis!

Maybe your feelings are really about an underlying sense of not being as connected to DH, not feeling yourself in your body anymore, being scared about losing independence etc.

Based on how common it is for men to shirk responsibility when it comes to childcare. My SIL went to Australia on her own to visit her sister for 4 weeks and my brother simply dropped their youngest children (2 under age of 8) at my sister's each day except the weekend as he felt she could take care of them (being a woman you know) so he could have a nice bachelor life in the meantime. My sister was on maternity leave at the time with 3 of her own under the age of 10. I cannot imagine a woman doing this. My brother actually thought he was a thoroughly modern man just because he looked after his own kids at the weekend while his wife was away. The bar for men is very very low. My sister was not happy but did it anyway to stay on good terms - I would have told him where to go.

I think I would feel a bit hurt and left out but I think I can see why he might have said it. Currently there are eight of them which is a convenient number if you are playing a lot of sport. They are also all there for the whole time which makes things easy to organize. If you pitch up or leave on different days then it might complicate things. Also I know you are happy to simply sit by the pool or do something different but that would make it more tricky to organize than if you weren’t there. Maybe if someone else was sitting out it might be easier. If the plan is to play lots and lots of sports then it would be tricky for you husband if you were just waiting by the pool.
How would it work with costs. At the minute I imagine it’s very straight forward with even numbers. Might your husband already agreed to share a room with someone. If it’s already been booked then might it be tricky to add someone else.

So, if I were you, I would feel a bit hurt but I would understand his reasoning.

I KNOW you aren’t asking but I’m another fan of some separate holidays. My husband and I are in our 60s and I was 20 when we started dating. We’ve always had holidays we do on our own. We’ve also often visited our own parents separately. It’s great. I know sometimes there are real reasons why one person can’t look after a baby (birth injuries or whatever) but it’s more usual to be totally fine with looking after a baby on your own. If your parents are around it wouldn’t cross my mind that there was anything to consider at all.

My husband and I also liked to have the occasional night or weekend away with out any of our kids. It was such a good thing to do. We loved it. I loved having little kids around but it was so refreshing to have some time without them. I think it’s really good for the kids too.

So it’s 8 men and 2 of their wives?

Wife 1 is an old friend
Wife 2 is new

Apart from you are their other wife’s who aren’t going?

How close are you with the group?

Are any of the rest of them parents?

tbh if I was going away with my friends in a group of 8 or 10 and planned to go to activities my dh wouldn’t like, I would be a bit annoyed if he said “you go off and enjoy yourself, I’ll wait at the hotel while you are out for 8 hours”. I would, possibly unreasonably, need to take him into consideration and then later when we would be taking about everything that went on I would feel the need to turn to him and explain the references and in-jokes. There is also the accommodation if it’s all booked already - he’s agreed to go halves with someone and then he can’t because his wife is there.
It does sound like you are a lot less sporty - you don’t like skiing or karting or some of the other activities so will stay at the hotel when they are doing those. It does change the dynamic of the evenings. I do think he’s making excuses though - he doesn’t want you there so I would be hurt by that. It would make more sense if all wives were invited or none. Are the other wives going skiing?

She says in her post her parents had offered to look after baby, that's why she wanted to go so she could still take them up on their offer and go away for a couple days with some friends

@fayesfair yanbu to feel hurt

It sounds like he could have phrased it much more tactfully. But also, if you're both used go holidaying separately why are you feeling left out this time? I'm not saying it's wrong to be feeling that way, but that it's worth unpicking the underlying feelings.

Because if its down to feeling uncherished or that you're being constricted by pregnancy while he still gets to enjoy life, you need to address that now or it'll become a much bigger issue when your baby is here

He’s an immature, inconsiderate idiot who needs to decide whether his primary role is now husband and father or continues to be "one of the lads".

but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time

This is the crux of it for me, would you being there and not wanting to participate in everything negatively impact his enjoyment of the trip? It does split the focus of the group IMO. You've already said you'd hang out by the pool, would he then feel obligated or guilty that he is not there with you, or would other people feel they should adjust their plans to try and include you more because you are there?

You both seem happy with separate holidays (which is absolutely fine btw, ignore the naysayers!) so reverse this scenario, if he was asking to join you on a trip with your friends and a couple of their partners, but you know he wouldn't be into 90% of what you are planning and would be bored and split off from the group, would you honestly want him to come? or would you rather he let you have your trip the way you and your friends want it without having to accommodate someone who doesn't like doing what the rest of the group likes?

It's not personal OP, and I think as new parents next year, trying to guilt trip your way on to a trip like this is a really bad idea.

I don’t think they are, to be fair.

You’re said yourself you just want to tag along for the yacht for the day. You’re not interested in most of it. They don’t want that - either your DH or the wider group, if he’s asked them.

If it was go for the whole thing and properly join in, or not go, what would you prefer?

Perhaps they don’t want to turn their sports holiday into something people feel comfortable opting out of parts of. It does make it more complicated in terms of planning and funding things.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable - you don’t sound like you’re very sporty, given you don’t like skiing, water parks or go karting and only want to go to the boat day? It sounds like it’s a super active holiday which you won’t enjoy (presumably your DH knows you well?)!

It’s like if your DH didn’t drink at all and wasn’t interested in history, and you had a (mostly) girls trip to Rome and your plans were to go to all the historical sites and then have lunch and get drunk on Campari spritz and yap away all afternoon and he insisted on coming.

Unless there is a back story and you’re generally left out, or you have a deep seated insecurity where you’ve always felt he was disappointed in how non-sporty you are?

As long as you’re still getting a summer holiday as a family as well then it’s okay for him to have this sporty one with his mates I think! And if you trust your DH and believe that he knows you, then maybe just trust that he is actually right that you won’t enjoy this trip.

And I agree it’s fine to have holidays separately once you have baby - same as you all my friends do this. In fact one friend exclusively does this - so that they both get to actually enjoy and relax on one child free holiday every year!

While he probably should invite you, if this is really sporty and you are seven months post partum, it may not be what you want.

You may bounce back no problem. I was lucky and didn't find weight loss difficult. But the stitches and feeling like your insides are going to fall out has taken much longer - years not months.

I really wouldn't have been wanting to be under pressure to perform on a tennis court.

A bit of a knock about, yeah, but this lot sound unbearably competitive. I think I'd rather book my own break!