Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

But different people have different tolerances - I remember basically running back from the supermarket because I missed DS after about an hour! I would have laughed in your face before I had him if you told me that's how I'd feel.

Ha, same! My first "solo outing" (to Mothercare!) - I was in the queue to pay for some muslins when DH called, and I could hear DS1 in the background, and I just abandoned my shopping and went home 😀

'The group' isn't one person – it's a collection of opinion. Regardless, her DH didn't even discuss with the group, he unilaterally decided to the complete ignorance and disregard of his wife's feelings. Her DH also does not get to decide whether she'll be 'bored' or not.

Everyone is guessing on the level of sports being played based only on her DH's words, which, quite frankly, only read quite bluntly as him not wanting her there.

While I can see it'd be nice for OP to tag along they're perfectly within their rights to say "no".

'They' didn't say no. Her DH did – which is the most hurtful of people to say no in the first place.

If this was the other way round and OP had planned a trip with friends and her DH wanted to come along I feel the responses would be very different.

No, they wouldn't.

"you wouldn't enjoy it, you'd be bored" sounds to me like trying to get around having to be more blunt and say "you're not invited".

I planned the active calendar and went away with DH in charge. No GPs nearby. Didnt feel guilty or uncomfortable at all.
Some of us are ok with being away from children, as long as they are ok with the other parent.

He is going to be left with the baby when OP goes on a 4 day hen trip later in the year.

I know couples who have planned an active calendar of travel and social engagements after having children - and I've definitely been guilty of quietly thinking "ha ha you'll think differently when the baby is here" but they've managed it (though I think they'd be the first to admit that some of their beliefs that "baby can just tag along" were over ambitious!). Having actively involved grandparents makes a huge difference. Something I didn't factor in was how much I felt really viscerally 'tied" to my baby - it felt really uncomfortable being too far away or for too long. But different people have different tolerances - I remember basically running back from the supermarket because I missed DS after about an hour! I would have laughed in your face before I had him if you told me that's how I'd feel.

Nothing wrong with doing separate holidays or things by yourself once you have kids, but I mean this kindly - having a new baby (you say it's both your first?) is bloody hard work!
You maybe don't appreciate yet until baby's here what it entails and how you may feel.

OP has said that if they feel differently when baby is here, then they will change the plans. With that in mind, there's nothing wrong with making plans.

If he does, book a few days away when he gets back leaving him in charge and he might realise what looking after a new baby is like.

OP is doing exactly this - she is away for 4 days in August - but not as some kind of gotcha, because that is when her sister has planned a trip.

Nothing wrong with doing separate holidays or things by yourself once you have kids, but I mean this kindly - having a new baby (you say it's both your first?) is bloody hard work!
You maybe don't appreciate yet until baby's here what it entails and how you may feel.
🙄 at your DH saying "you won't enjoy it" though?!
Is he the boss of you and your feelings? That'd piss me off to be honest! If you're able to leave baby with your parents and will be looked after well, surely a couple of days break for you would be good, shouldn't begrudge you that.
If he does, book a few days away when he gets back leaving him in charge and he might realise what looking after a new baby is like.

The group can decide who they want to invite and who they don't, and what sort of trip they want it to be. OP isn't part of that group.

I can see how OP feels miffed, but ultimately it sounds like a trip for sporty uni mates + one additional sporty person (who has maybe been added to even out numbers). OP herself says that her tennis level is "not awful" and she would "quite enjoy it" while her DH says the other women are "really good" and "competitive". OP doesn't want to join in other planned activities like a waterpark and go-karting.

It's her DH's trip, organised with DH's friends around their shared interests. While I can see it'd be nice for OP to tag along they're perfectly within their rights to say "no".

If this was the other way round and OP had planned a trip with friends and her DH wanted to come along I feel the responses would be very different.

He s being selfish, you would benefit from a short break at that time as well

On the contrary, now seems like a great time - OP has active, involved parents, seems to be on a financially sound footing (given the holiday plans) and her partner has freelance work with some flexibility. WNTL?

Both of us go on separate hols but not if the other felt left out. This feels mean.

it doesn't follow it's an open invite for all partners.

It also doesn't follow that her DH simply gets to say 'no' without discussing it properly, and it also doesn't follow that the group gets to decide by committee on someone's sportiness level. The holiday, without a shadow of a doubt, will also include evening socialising, even if someone isn't at supreme sporting level.

This is really hurtful. I'm quite shocked he actually said that to you, if I'm honest.

Yes this is basically my interpretation too. It's not just about OP and her DH, it's everyone else on the trip too. The group has been able to justify two women attending (either fully willingly or with some disagreement) but it doesn't follow it's an open invite for all partners.

If all the other uni friends don't have partners so OP is the only one excluded that would perhaps be a different matter but I think OP would have mentioned it if that were the case.

If OP decides she wants to dip in for a day or two it sounds like both a potential organisational headache and opens the door to all the other partners wanting a say in the trip, then it stops being a sports/activity trip and starts being something else. Perfectly reasonable for them to put some parameters around it - either you're in for the full trip and all the activities, or you are not.

Sure, but you can still have friends and go on holidays without your partner. It’s not like you have to give up all non parenting aspects of your life. It’s bizzare people who think you do.

Of course it goes on, but not unchanged...

I think2 seprate holidays when baby is small alone is not exactly fair on you

Some couples do holiday alone that works for them me and my dh have never holiday separately in our whole 9 years together not because we stop each other just that it's never been some thing we do I think it's unreasonable of your dh to not let you join for a few days

People definitely do, even with small children. It just depends on what your setup is and what you’re comfortable with.

The hen do you’re talking about is well into next year and for many parents that would be a totally feasible arrangement. With the ski trip, the baby is younger but you’ll have your parents. I’m going down to my parents’ in England in a couple of weeks with my eight week old - husband will stay at home as he’s working but it’s a nice chance for my parents to spend more time with my son while I’m on leave. These things just need careful planning and it’s just about both partners being happy and confident in the arrangements.

Regarding your actual question about going on the trip, like others I think it’s inconsistent. Either partners are included or not but it shouldn’t really be about sporting ability. The tennis thing doesn’t necessarily make much sense as the more inclusive it is of partners, the more likely you are to find someone at your level. The exception to this would be if it’s dangerous - I’m thinking something like mountaineering if one partner was really experienced and others weren’t.

I think what’s likely happened here is that most people want it to be a trip without partners but one partner has ended up being included and your husband is now trying to minimise the inclusion of other partners.

Most people I know do!

Once you have kids, it's more practical anyway, one has the kids, the other goes with friends.

If I go with my girlfriend on a shopping/ fun long weekend, I am not sure what my husband would do in there? If I go on a weekend sport competition that he doesn't do, what would he do there tooo?

When he goes on one of his hobby or friends weekend or week, I can't see why I would even want to join in? To spy on him?

It doesn't stop us having family holidays and couple holiday too. You can have a life even if you are married and/or have kids though.

ShI’s just wanting to go away with her husband for 3 nights. She’s not putting her child in an orphanage. Jesus. Life does go on after children.

I think it’s a bit worrying that he doesn’t want you to join for a couple of days. Doesn’t he like having fun together? I would worry that he’s pitying you in a boring wife and mother box. Is his comment about you complaining fair? If not, you should say so. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

If you only know men who aren't willing to step up and father their own children without the mother being present, then you should probably find better men and raise the bar for yourself! OP has repeatedly said it is common in her circle for mothers and fathers to holiday without one another, this is the example they see of parenthood!

There's no naivety in making plans pre-baby that both the mother and father are both willing to change should they feel differently when the baby comes. Some women don't want to leave their children until they are 10 years of age, some are fine leaving them within the first year. We are all different and just because one person's experience is that there is a deadbeat dad who won't parent his own children that doesn't mean every father is like that! Certainly not my experience of either my father, my father in law, my brother in laws or my other half, all who do their fair share of parenting.

Forgive me for saying this OP but you seem very keenly focused on how much your and your husband's life is going to continue just as it is after you have a baby. You've even decided not to give breastfeeding a go before your baby is even born, presumably as it would be too tying for your lifestyle. I'm struggling a bit as to why the both of you decided this was the right phase of your life to become parents? Do you really just see a baby as conveniently slotting into the status quo? I'm not suggesting becoming a parent should automatically make you some sort of martyr but I think for you to be focusing on your hurt feelings about not being included in your DH's upcoming lads' jolly, when you're weeks away from giving birth will seem quite strange to a lot of people.

My parents were also very determined to get on with their lives despite children and it made for a childhood of feeling sidelined and like an inconvenience. I was palmed off on friends and relatives to be looked after whenever possible from a very early age. Didn't do much for my self esteem.

I hope you find the maturity necessary to make a success of family life, whatever your personal vision of that might be.

You say the issue here is
"Should I be hurt by his reason" which is "this is going to be super competitive and sporty"

I'd say leave it be.
Almost exclusively this is a "guys trip" that they've already said is going to be physical and competitive.
Plus, there's already 10 going...11 makes for odd numbers if they're doing teams.
Having a "new person" (not new, but new to the weekend) show up just for 1-2 activities "disturbs the flow/energy" of the weekend.
It's an interruption.

Please don't misunderstand,
you're not new/an interruption but your arrival that weekend would be.
Even though I like the idea of trying to be inclusive and finding a way to make it work, I think in this case, best to let it go, let the guys be big boisterous kids and don't be hurt about it.
You already mentioned several times this isn't to do with your relationship, your young child, you being left alone, or the fairness or either of you having a trip away with friends. Just the reason he gave.

You asked,
he answered,
You didn't like the answer and now you're asking if you should feel hurt about the answer.
They're you're feelings and they're valid.
You're allowed to feel hurt and him not trying harder to include you.
But he's allowed to feel as ok that a planned weekend with a set guest list stays as planned

If I were you, I'd feel about 10% slight disappointment but I'd get over it.
Hope this helps, and congratulations on the impending new baby!

OP, you know your relationship and what you will tolerate.

Him telling you, you are not welcome because of so called fitness whilst others can bring partners is total red flag territory.

I cannot fathom a decent kind partner doing that.

By all means tolerate it.
By all means accept it.
Its your relationship and you will get as much bullshit as you will take.
We teach people how to treat us.

I would say you have relationship issues for him to do this.
It's neither kind nor loving.

If you weren't pregnant I would be telling you to completely rethink a relationship with a twat that would treat you like that.

But you are where you are and I doubt this will be the last time he makes you feel bad.

Keep your parents and friends close, you are undoubtedly going to need them.