To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

It sounds like both you and your kids are miserable. There’s a reason so many parents work part time. Do you really want a nanny raising them?

I ask, as I’ve gone from a high stress long hours ft to pt role. Both my children and I are much happier, and my partner too, even though there’s less considerably less money coming in. It feels more manageable for everyone.

The job market is dire. You’re better off being taking annual leave to sort your cvs or written off for stress by your GP if you’re starting to feel burnt out. Even finding a PT temp role in the interim if possible.

You’re absolutely right to look to leave your job - regardless of your arsehole DH it’s too far and too stressful with kids that age - the income isn’t worth all that and you and kids time is far more important.
Your current situation isn’t sustainable- you’re stressed out and miserable, the kids are miserable and resentment is growing in your marriage.
if you don’t have an honest conversation and DH doesn’t realise the seriousness of the situation, this will end in a break up. I held it together for years through this type of crap and tried to get XH to see the stress we were all living in but he’s only realised it since we broke up - now I’m free and happy, he’s miserable and ironically lost interest in the job that broke us and the kids are fine (much older than yours though). It could’ve been avoided though if he’d realised at this stage that he has to pull his weight in the family, not just play the salary card and expect that to trump everything. He needs to be a husband and father and support you to be a mother and have your own job that contributes and fulfills you.

What’s your job? I know you didn’t want to be specific, but I’m trying to think of a high stress full time job with long hours which only pays a quarter what a surgeon earns? You should leave your job on the basis that it’s pitifully paid, never mind anything else.

This is an unequal situation- he gets to fulfil his career and step back from his family while you impact yours even though your working very long hours.

I’d give an ultimatum:

• Shared accounts and mutual access to funds
• He goes part time and does half the week drop offs/collections - 6.30 or 7pm should be the latest the nanny is working
• or
• He supports you as you drop your days to part-time to account for his crazy schedule.

It might also be good to get his mum onside!

Surgeons, obstetricians and pilots seem to be the occupations that have the least flexibility in their roles but it can be done if needed.

He can’t have it all ways op!

He can work long hours and provide enough money to support you to work reasonable hours and look after the dc and provide for a nanny and cleaner. (He still needs to do his bit with the kids.)

Or he can cut down on his own hours and look after the dc more himself allowing you to earn more,

Has he refused to support you while you look for a new role?

Why is he the one that dictates how much you save and whether you can take a few months off or not?

I’m sorry op but once you have children the money has to go in to one pot. Did you have any choice at all in how your family finances were set up?

You need to lay it out on the line with him and say your current lifestyle is not sustainable and that his behaviour is harming the mental wellbeing of you and the dc.

Tbh he is not fulfilling his marriage vows if this is how he behaves! He’s broken the contract. He sounds so tight and lacking in kindness or responsibility. He should have noticed that you are struggling and be trying to help you come to a joint solution; you shouldn’t have to be asking him because you have finally reached desperation point! He simply can’t carry on acting like a single man once he has had children. It’s a deeply unattractive way to behave.

I am not one to say ltb op but there is something really off about a husband and father who behaves like this and as a surgeon, he is presumably both intelligent and competent, so this isn’t ignorance at play but an ingrained selfish mindset. What the hell is he saving for if not for his family?

I think I would be gathering pay slips, mortgage and insurance details, bank account and savings information and going to see a lawyer. I’m sorry.

Alternatively you could try embarrassing him by turning up at his parents house and asking them to support you while you change roles! I doubt that will work though bc they haven’t exactly raised a man who is family minded,

Get angry op! Of course you are not being unreasonable! Why ever would you think such a thing? Time to get assertive.

Leave. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. Classic surgeon god complex.

I thought this too!

Hang on a minute. How are your finances split? Are you expected to pay for everything related to your children? Meanwhile he merrily squirrels away as much as he likes?

The vast majority of candidates you'll be up against will be in full time work too though and they manage. You instantly raise a red flag to an employer if you leave without a job to go to. You'd be much better staying where you are and looking whilst you're in a job.

Quite frankly, OP, he is a twat who is exploiting you.

So he gets the good salary, the career opportunities, the ability to work whatever hours suit him, childcare provided, benefits of wife and family life, future financial security, current financial advantage.

What do you get?

Oh yes, I'm not a medic, but I work at a senior level in a corporate job in a sector where upper management is mostly male. Somehow I manage to do the same job as them to at least the same level, AND manage to pull my weight at home. So many men weaponise their Very Big and Very Important jobs and claim they have to work late, go to this conference and that and so on.

Stop work and find different work. Plenty of people do it. My husband went from being employed to self employed so that he could be more flexible with family life and I was a SAHM!!!! But I was drowning and our life was very stressful with a SEN child so I needed him to change his working day; in the end he made the same amount of money or more than before but that wasn't the point...our family was the point my mental health our child's welfare his input in the family was the point

If you unpick this, he is refusing to take responsibility for the happiness of the family UNIT. He says you are responsible for the children and bringing in a proportion of the household income. You counter by saying that present situation is making you and the children extremely unhappy

He is essentially saying he doesn't care that you are unhappy, the money is all that matters

If it is merely the principle of you working full time then his position is even crazier.

Sharing responsibility in a marriage as parents is not just about who brings in what ,it's how you make each other feel and how the children feel

And he is making you miserable by his inflexible insistence. The family unit is suffering. It's so straightforward really that you have to make a change, with his support.

Maybe it won't work out immediately maybe you will lose a lot of money for two years but in the long term this is your happiness your relationship your LIFE together that is at stake

Your plan is a good one to stop work and look at a whole variety of alternative lives with him or without him but change yes

He needs to either do 50/50 with you on everything or pay to outsource what represents his half eg a cleaner, ironing, more hours for the nanny, pay for shopping deliveries, takeaways or meals out etc

You are not his PA, housekeeper etc and you're not a single parent either although at this point you might as well be.

Suggest apply for jobs while you are still in a job.

Take annual leave if you need to go for an interview

Get a job more locally

Really frustrating reading this thread. You need to stop acting like the poor relation in this so called marriage. He's having his cake and eating it. He needs to step up and do his 50%. If he can't then he needs to, as a minimum, contribute more financially.

You're almost acting like your grateful you married a surgeon, even though he's taking you for granted.

I'd divorce him. Take 50% which is rightfully yours

DSIS is a successful surgeon. Still manages time for the children. Funny how women can make it work in that situation but so many men use it as an excuse and pile childcare/home responsibilities onto their wife. He needs to step up.

Why are you not financially benefiting from his long hours? Why do you need to ask for his financial support? Yes, one partner not working should be a mutual decision, but that is different than needing to ask for literal money.

Why did he have kids??

He needs to step up and do his 50%.

Or support you while you find much more flexible work.

My DH works inflexible long -ish hours. I WFH 4 days per week. One child. Feels manageable most of the time with occasional stress eg during busy work periods

You need a re-jig

It’s really hard to find a job when you are unemployed. What will you tell them? You resigned due to stress? How is that going to work to get the better, more flexible job?

I hear you are at the end of your rope, but I don’t think resigning and being out of work for a few months while looking for the perfect job is realistic.

You would be better off calling in sick for 2 days to get your CV done and apply for jobs. After that, it’s 1-2hrs at most a day to apply for anything new that comes up. Use holidays to go to interviews. You really can’t quit a job and have the expectation to walk into a dream job a few months later.

And if you can’t find this dream job? What is your Plan B? Have you thought of talking to your current employer about moving laterally into a role with fewer hours and less stress?

Have you talked to your husband about him cutting back on hours?

It seems he has a great fear of there not being enough money. Have you two tried talking to a financial advisor? Could you adjust your family lifestyle so he doesn’t need to work so much? And ditto for you?

Im saying this kindly, but can you not just say - this is unsustainable and Im opting out and staying home for a while?

I had a breakdown in my 30's. I was lucky I was on full pay for 6 months and then did a staggered return over the next 6 months so we weren't affected by a drop in income. However the return to work didnt work out and I resigned.

And DH never said a word, I stayed out of work for over a year, then found myself part time casual work , working when I felt I could cope

Obviously that affected our lives, our spending power, where we are now coming to retirement - but there was no way I couldn't say - I cant do this

Hmmm I’m not sure I necessarily agree that after you’ve done the first application you’ve done most of the work. I work in sectors that expect reasonably detailed supporting letters or applications that have to be tailored to specific role requirements, and that’s not even taking into account prep needed for interviews. On that basis I would agree that looking for a new job is pretty time consuming and mentally taxing, and I can understand you feeling like you can’t easily fit it in around your existing work and home commitments.
It sounds like you’re at breaking point and something needs to give. If your husband won’t step up and provide cover on the home front to reduce your stress/responsibilities while you job hunt, then temporarily taking a break isn’t unreasonable.