Page 4 | To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

stok · 2025-11-20T21:01:01+00:00

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions. I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too. I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc. recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day. my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ). on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition. I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together . anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

Original poster

stok · 21/11/2025 10:17

NewCushions · 21/11/2025 10:10

He sounds lsike a complete twat.

Perhaps tell him that if he's so worried about you not meeting 50% of bills, you'll happikly increase your earnings if he takes on 50% of the home and childcare stuff.

I sometimes really really hate men.

I haven’t been able to pay 50 percent of everything for a while. He just kind of throws if in my face, that’s how it feels anyway.

he says ‘ I’m paying for everything anyway ‘ and then he says ‘ if you don’t work, you won’t have much money cos I can’t give you much ‘.

I get it of course on one hand. We have a certain lifestyle and bills to pay. If I can’t contribute to that for a while, there is more of a strain on him.

but just feels horrible and I feel stuck in this job. I’ve just made my peace with it today. What can I do ? I need the money. The best I can hope is that work let me leave an hour early and stick to the 3 days a week arrangement. I have pulled them up on that and they’re looking at what they can do. I can’t leave my job. I need the money. I don’t want to have to ask him for money. I don’t know how long it will take to get another job. I’ll just have to do it while I’m working.

best case is that my current employer becomes more flexible.

OP posts:

TillyTrifle · 21/11/2025 10:15

OP he sounds absolutely horrible. Going on and you for not paying 50/50 for everything while leaving all parenting to you so that you’re cracking under the strain. Do you go on at him for not going 50/50 (or any) of the parenting?

I am so sad for you that he is so unpleasant and selfish. I’m not sure what you can do because the problem isn’t just about practicalities, it’s that you’re unfortunately married to an arsehole.

NewCushions · 21/11/2025 10:10

He sounds lsike a complete twat.

Perhaps tell him that if he's so worried about you not meeting 50% of bills, you'll happikly increase your earnings if he takes on 50% of the home and childcare stuff.

I sometimes really really hate men.

Tiswa · 21/11/2025 10:04

@stok why are finances 50/50 though but nothing else? Why does he get to say he is tired due to working and rest when you don’t but still demand that you pay 50/50.

why does his financial input mean he gets to drop out of everything else yet still demand you pay because his financial input is so amazing even though I suspect he does nothing else

you are burnt out from working you are burnt out from working and taking on everything else

as. I always say on these threads 50/50 is fine if everything is 50/50 childcare/chores/admin and that is the only way to have 2 working full time and things outsourced

or you go down a different route and that one doesn’t involve 50/50 finances and involves sharing money and having all the burdens shared so no one burns out

LondonGirrrrl · 21/11/2025 09:54

He sounds horrid. Doesn’t value your care with the house and children.

LondonGirrrrl · 21/11/2025 09:54

He sounds horrid. Doesn’t value your care with the house and children.

Namechange822 · 21/11/2025 09:53

If this is a new job, you’re reasonably senior, and they agreed fewer office days in interview plus you’re planning on leaving so not worried about reputation etc, I would start by putting your foot down about days in the office.

Diary your office days based on the original discussion. If a crucial in-person meeting comes up on your wfh day, email the person chairing saying that you’ll need to dial in. If a non crucial meeting comes up send one of your team to represent you. If your manager raises it be vague and say you’re trying to sort it but that you took the job on the basis of x number of days in the office and you’re struggling logistically to do more than that but trying to fix it. Don’t say no but also don’t do more than agreed.

If you’re competent and doing a good job they won’t sack you over office days - recruitment at that level is really expensive!

I think that you need to decide about quitting first yourself and ignore your husband unless he’s offering to step up for kids/house/cover etc. But, for your own career etc I don’t think it’s ideal - being out of work pushes you to accept offers even if they aren’t great and you don’t want to jump from this role to another one which is similar.

Can you block a couple of weekend days between now and Christmas to go and sit in a cafe to work on applications etc? And take a few days holiday? Hopefully you’ll be somewhere new by summer so there isn’t the same pressure to save holiday days although you’ll need to pay them back if you leave after using more than your allowance.

Bringemout · 21/11/2025 09:34

There should be no “I pay for this I pay for that” in a healthy relationship. This is not healthy, DH and I have always stuck stuff in one pot, we have been able to contribute more or less at different points and it’s never a problem. If he wants 50:50 then he can do 50:50 with the kids and housework too.

I don’t think you can reason with a man like this. For there to be change he actually has to give a shit about you.

HoskinsChoice · 21/11/2025 09:27

stok · 21/11/2025 07:12

This is a detail I was looking not to add, actually.

BUT I think it’s relevant when people keep saying this.

this is a new job I’m in. As I lost mine a few months ago ( to redundancy). I got a bit of a pay off and was able to still pay the same things I was paying while working. So the redundancy didn’t mean my husband had to ‘ pay for me ‘ whilst I was looking. I found a new job and took it, but it’s just not as promised at all. They literally lied about office hours and how often I needed to come in. It’s open ended on the contract, so they can do that. I just didn’t expect them to. The last job was the same but kept with the agreement made. Even though it wasn’t explicitly in the contract.

anyway, so when I’m interviewing now, I’m saying I’m not in a job anyway- so they don’t ask questions as to why I already want to leave if that makes sense ? The last few years have been a bit shakey and I don’t need another short stint on my CV. I have reasons why I’ve had short stints by the way, for example a contract role- or a company going bust. But yeah, I don’t want to add to it all. So I’m officially not in work anyway when I’m interviewing.

I have been in work for a couple of months.

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You're a professional earning £150k and lying about your job?! Wow. You're pissed off because your company 'lied' to you but are quite happy to lie to future employers. I'd expect this kind of behaviour from someone fresh out of school not someone at your level. How embarrassing for you.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/11/2025 08:38

Jesus christ -
You can afford to take a break and retrain.
I am earning in the 150-200k band and the interviews and prep ARE gruelling (as you said 5 interviews and panel presentation etc)
I ignored my health condition and have had 3 surgeries within 12 month as a result... good job me...

Given he is a surgeon and will always think his job is the big thing... i'd be inclined to go down the "one big job" road.

*is it that he just doesn’t want to rock the financial boat and already feels over stretched by how much he pays out already

He saves 50% of his salary he isnt stretched and you shouldnt be paying 50/50 thst isnt right.
Dropping the nanny would save thousands pm.

he cant eat his cake and have it...

whats he going to do when you get burn out develop gall stones / a heart condition / whatever....
I'd want an discussuion and overhaul and i'd do thid via marriage counselling if needed to agree a way forward.
You have all the ingredients for a good life... there is no need for you to be in this situation.

Also suggest "Fair play" cards - google it

WiltedLettuce · 21/11/2025 08:36

stok · 21/11/2025 06:31

Don’t want to say. But he makes around 300 plus, whereas I make 150 ish. I used to make more and he complains that I haven’t been able to get back up there. We used to split everything 50-50 and he says now he ‘ has to pay for everything anyway.

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Yup, twat.

Tell him he can pay for stuff or do 50/50 on chores/childcare, but he can't have it both ways.

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier if you ditched him? You might be worse off financially, but you would get some pretty chunky CM payments.

Sodapopsicle · 21/11/2025 08:30

However, it should go without saying though that it can be either person who has the high-powered job.

Sodapopsicle · 21/11/2025 08:28

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/11/2025 07:54

He’s not paying for you though, he’s paying for the life he’s chosen which includes a wife and children. If you both work demanding hours who does he think will care for the kids and the house? In my experience there’s only enough room for one “big job” when you have small children and if that’s his job that’s what pays to keep the lights on. Or you both reduce hours and use the time to do the things that need to be done. I don’t imagine this is what you anticipated when you planned a life together, because it doesn’t sound like you are together tbh.

I agree about the “one big job” thing. Many will disagree, but it’s a very tough road with young DC if both people have full-time high-powered jobs.

Original poster

stok · 21/11/2025 08:26

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/11/2025 07:30

Sounds like there is an element of financial abuse here.

I’d be inclined to look for a job that happens on his lie day. Or over the weekend. That’d learn him.

Yea I just don’t know if it’s that ? Or is it that he just doesn’t want to rock the financial boat and already feels over stretched by how much he pays out already.

he’s used to 50-50 but I haven’t been able to keep up with that for a while.

it just sucks that looking after kids and a house just doesn’t count and he still gets to say ‘ I pay this, I pay that ‘. Rather than saying ‘ we pay this, we pay that ‘.

if I hadn’t been there to pick up the childcare and home responsibilities he’d not be able to work the hours he does anyway.

my last jobs were flexible. So I was able to make it work.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/11/2025 07:54

He’s not paying for you though, he’s paying for the life he’s chosen which includes a wife and children. If you both work demanding hours who does he think will care for the kids and the house? In my experience there’s only enough room for one “big job” when you have small children and if that’s his job that’s what pays to keep the lights on. Or you both reduce hours and use the time to do the things that need to be done. I don’t imagine this is what you anticipated when you planned a life together, because it doesn’t sound like you are together tbh.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/11/2025 07:30

Sounds like there is an element of financial abuse here.

I’d be inclined to look for a job that happens on his lie day. Or over the weekend. That’d learn him.

Original poster

stok · 21/11/2025 07:12

Blushingm · 21/11/2025 07:02

I think yabu to leave your job without anything to go to. Start looking now and work. It’s easier to get a job whilst you’re rmploy d and you’ve no idea how long it will be. Explaining a gap in employment just ‘because of life’ won’t look good in a cv

This is a detail I was looking not to add, actually.

BUT I think it’s relevant when people keep saying this.

this is a new job I’m in. As I lost mine a few months ago ( to redundancy). I got a bit of a pay off and was able to still pay the same things I was paying while working. So the redundancy didn’t mean my husband had to ‘ pay for me ‘ whilst I was looking. I found a new job and took it, but it’s just not as promised at all. They literally lied about office hours and how often I needed to come in. It’s open ended on the contract, so they can do that. I just didn’t expect them to. The last job was the same but kept with the agreement made. Even though it wasn’t explicitly in the contract.

anyway, so when I’m interviewing now, I’m saying I’m not in a job anyway- so they don’t ask questions as to why I already want to leave if that makes sense ? The last few years have been a bit shakey and I don’t need another short stint on my CV. I have reasons why I’ve had short stints by the way, for example a contract role- or a company going bust. But yeah, I don’t want to add to it all. So I’m officially not in work anyway when I’m interviewing.

I have been in work for a couple of months.

OP posts:

SweetnsourNZ · 21/11/2025 07:11

stok · 20/11/2025 21:18

He doesn’t work weekends but always has a lie in because his body is tired.

he always tells me all the things he’s paying for and that if I don’t work he can’t give me much money and he’s already paying so much for everything.

he does pay a lot of stuff of course, like mortgage etc. but I pay as much as I can too. Like my son’s nursery for example. And most of the food we eat, household stuff.

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And if you split I bet he will emphasize how much her is paid for the house, to try to get a lions share. Whereas you have paid for something that is been and gone like childcare. Hope your name is everywhere his is on mortgage etc and the mortgage is coming directly out of a joint account.

AlertCat · 21/11/2025 07:08

I think your job problem is husband related, but as someone who has had a mental breakdown, I would urge you to get signed off now, while it’s still manageable. Mine was about 7 years ago and it has had a long lasting impact on my resilience to stress and pressure, I may never be back up there again.

Once you relieve the pressure, you can address the husband problem.

DarkForces · 21/11/2025 07:07

The job market is a nightmare right now so I can understand why he's nervous about losing an income but his attitude towards his/your money sounds bloody grim in a marriage. You're meant to be a team but he seems to see you as an opportunity to bolster 'his' savings. Surely they're family savings you should both have equal access to?

Blushingm · 21/11/2025 07:02

I think yabu to leave your job without anything to go to. Start looking now and work. It’s easier to get a job whilst you’re rmploy d and you’ve no idea how long it will be. Explaining a gap in employment just ‘because of life’ won’t look good in a cv

Original poster

stok · 21/11/2025 07:00

Hotchocolateandsnowing · 21/11/2025 06:36

With the job market how it is I would ask:

current role and chance of flex hours / dropping days / wfh more
could you prep you CV and see if you get any interest
what if it takes you over a year to find a new job, would you be happy with this?

I have already started the process, but it’s slow and it’s hard to find the time to actually do it at the moment.

I am fine with it taking time. I’ll take my little one out of nursery / reduce the days etc. I will do pick ups myself and also not use after school club and stuff like that.

but my husband says he’s ‘ already paying for everything ‘ and feels like it’s a lot on him, because he’ll need to pay for even more stuff. Like I said, he puts more than half of his salary away into savings and investments, which is a wise choice of course. But I suppose he could put a little bit less away for a few months.

Work is not that flexible unfortunately.

OP posts:

Hotchocolateandsnowing · 21/11/2025 06:36

With the job market how it is I would ask:

current role and chance of flex hours / dropping days / wfh more
could you prep you CV and see if you get any interest
what if it takes you over a year to find a new job, would you be happy with this?

Original poster

stok · 21/11/2025 06:31

Crushed23 · 21/11/2025 03:51

What’s your job? I know you didn’t want to be specific, but I’m trying to think of a high stress full time job with long hours which only pays a quarter what a surgeon earns? You should leave your job on the basis that it’s pitifully paid, never mind anything else.

Don’t want to say. But he makes around 300 plus, whereas I make 150 ish. I used to make more and he complains that I haven’t been able to get back up there. We used to split everything 50-50 and he says now he ‘ has to pay for everything anyway.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 21/11/2025 06:31

Lone parent here. I had a live in nanny for ten years. Nanny’s don’t raise your DC they just do the logistics so try and stop the mum guilt. It’s totally pointless.

Yes your DH is deciding to work long hours but if this won’t change anytime soon you need to find a job that is perhaps a little less stressful or negotiate at work about current role.

I will be honest, there are many of us lone parents out here doing everything and we are probably less stressed out then all these women with effing useless husbands.