To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

There is no point being miserable now to retire early, only to find your children resent you, your wife has left you and you have no hobbies or interests outside work.

Why isn’t a surgeons salary that’s doing massive amounts of extra shifts enough for you to survive on op?

Aside from all the issues raised about your DH

Could you reduce your hours to job search, eg go to four days a week?

So all of this is a selfish move to retire early and he doesn’t care about you or his children

yeah he gets worse OP worse

I voted YABU because you dont need to work. You could have a great life looking after your children based entirely on your husbands income. I really dont see why you are introducing so much stress into your whole familes lives for the sake of more money.

YABU not to sit your husband down, tell him to open the bank account up to the family and ensure your children have a childhood where stress isnt the underlying factor. Some dont have the choice which is why i voted you are unreasonable.

He’s working on something else. He is spending time on something else instead of you and his DC.

You and your DC are sacrificing their health and happiness so he can do the passive income stream thing.

Why can’t he reduce his hours at work for time to spend on the passive income stream? Why is it you sacrifice everything?

Your ‘D’H is prioritising money over his family’s wellbeing, his wife and kids are struggling and he doesn’t give a shit. Stop protecting him and tell him what’s what.

If he’s so fucking tired after his big job, why is he working on another income stream? He already can’t pull his weight at home. He doesn’t need more distractions.

I know this is old fashioned but Marriage = for richer and poorer , in sickness and in health, all my worldly goods I thee endow.
You're not married, you're barely even employed.

And how does he see all the childcare etc

can you sit down and properly communicate with him everything all the housework and childcare and work out how to manage it alongside you working and if he can take on more

because finances are just one branch of adult life

Hugs. You should be a team, if he's earning 300k and you're on 150k, there's no way either of you should feel like you're struggling, even with a nanny/cleaners. But that's only going to work if you pool resources and share goals. Why is he saving 50% whilst seeing you struggling? That's so sad. I could never live happily whilst my spouse struggled.

Ok, two full time, high stress, very demanding, long hour, high paying jobs
(Half of what a successful surgeon makes has still got to be pretty high)

Husband not complaining about his hours, not being able to spend time with family, family income. Have a nanny so kids are being looked after and assuming house is clean.

You say you want to work, full time still, just better hours/less commute so you have a bit more time and energy to spend with young kids.

I don't see the problem unless hubby thinks when you leave this current job you'll not get another. Money should not be an issue. Kids are only young once. Soon enough they'll be old enough not to care they don't see either of you.

I'd say, yes. Spend more time with the kids now

Bear in mind 50% of his savings, pension value of the house etc is yours as you are married. He can only earn what he does because of you.

Honestly I think it’s to your advantage to divorce. You’ll find life a lot easier.

Blimey, how much money does a man need?! I’d find his greed and lack of empathy toward his children the most repellant of all his other many failings. How does he feel about his children being miserable fgs?

My dh earns pittance compared to yours, but he’s always put the welfare of our family first and supported whatever we’ve needed to do to make things work even though it’s meant less money.

Op, i want to give you a big hug. In your shoes I’d say ‘dh, you’re a selfish stingy excuse for a partner. I’m headed for a breakdown and you have been zero fucking support. Less than zero. I’m contemplating divorce. I’m going to leave for the weekend, be back Monday sometime, definitely not before you’d leave for work, and you can get to know your kids and looking after the house, since I am so so so fucking sick and tired of you thinking I should pay 50% while you contribute maybe 5% around the home. I’m not your slave, and I’ve been endless support for you. I’ve started to realise you give nothing back. Have a good weekend, do all the laundry adn cooking and cleaning that you think happens by magic every other week, work something out for Monday like parents do, and try to be a good dad who cares about them. We can talk Monday night. Think hard. I know I will be.

Stay home to look out for the children and prepare well for a sustainable job that is nearer to home.
It might be a part time job.
Once you are working again ask your DH to participate more in family tasks and child care.
Both you and your husband can afford to do what your very young children would prefer. Prioritise their happiness and well being until the youngest is six. The time will fly.

My point is that he expects you to pay more, and is resentful that he pays more, but he isn't exactly stepping up in other ways.

Quite frankly, e sounds like a complete dick. I'm sorry, but he does.

Tell him this and then ask him to list what he thinks your life is like. I bet he will only be able to say 'I pay for stuff'. If this were me I'd be planning a split, I don't think he considers you at all, you are there to just facilitate his earning power.

oh @stok he really has worn you down hasn’t he and done a number on you

because why doesn’t he help you why doesn’t he see you as an equal partnership and why do you need that lifestyle

I can’t see why you stay with because this is abusive you have lost your voice in all of this

You poor thing you sound so beaten down and resigned....

He sounds fucking horrible.
How much equity is there in the house?

I would really be looking at "options"
In the meantime i'd throw "his money" at some problems
Eg. "Cook" meals for you and kids.
Pick up drop off laundry