To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

The truth is, it suits him for you to be compliant and on your knees, too busy to spit.

I feel you are using his words to justify his behaviour. He is building a passive income stream. He is putting money into investments. He is very busy and needs rest. He is very important. You’re parroting his certainty without questioning it much.

The truth is, he’s boosting his life style on the back of your labour. He is buying fancy toys because you are doing his share of the work. He is keeping money away from you, complaining that you aren’t earning enough, and expecting you and the dc to suffer to fulfil his plan.

Take a look at that joint account. Make sure you fully understand what’s happening financially, at least in the area you can see. Stop trusting him to be doing the right thing.

Start expecting to be a full partner, with full shared input into family decisions. Stop deferring to this man. He is maintaining his own lifestyle at your expense- financially and in terms of household responsibilities.

Given your income, I’m surprised you are struggling to pay 50% of the household costs. Make sure you agree with those costs and decisions, and make sure they are what you expect. Don’t fall for paying the full cost of childcare out of your earnings, for example.

So he wants you to pay 5050 but do all the childcare so he can work all the hours and keep way more money to himself.

Fuck that.

And fuck your lying employer.

Hand your notice in because it will fuck them as much as it will fuck you to be out of work and they have been lying little toe rags about expectations of the role.

Literally just do it. Your husband seems to think he's in charge by doing what he wants so you don't need his consent.

He is so selfishly about himself and so unsupportive. Like, men with both half or double his salary don't treat their wives like that.

You're his wife, you've birthed his children and he's acting like you're a fucking goldigging childcare appliance.

As others have said he can't have it both ways. At the moment:

• he has decided he wants to work crazy hours to build up savings, so
• he has effectively decided that you're doing all his share of childcare and home chores too.
• He has also decided how you'll share and split your finances.

The throwing in your face that you don't earn more, when you're earning in the top tax bracket, and actually can't earn more because of him checking out of his family responsibilities is actually really mean and unfair. All money should be family money if you're both working hard and financial decisions should be joint.

I think you need a proper sit down talk about all of this and his lack of support in general, not just in relation to this. And work out if you want to stay married to someone who doesn't actually seem to care

Something or

Someone has to give 🤷‍♀️

A few things:

-if you are feeling overwhelmed it’s ok to get signed off for a bit.

-he is being a dick. My DH and I earn similar to you and your DH and we do the in one pot with a bit of personal fun money each. We both make full on senior jobs work by both pulling our weight at home, it’s not just my responsibility because I’m a woman.

-does he have trauma about money-growing up in poverty etc?

-do you love him? From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

He really does sound awful. So many good posts on there. Do you have a very expensive lifestyle/mortgage? I just can’t fathom how on your salaries he’s moaning about bills!!

He saves more than half his earnings. Are these joint savings? Do you have separate finances?

I would resign today. Why oh why are you putting yourself and your kids through this when you do not need to?!

He’s been a surgeon longer than you’ve had kids what was the original plan to facilitate having kids

I think the point is that it’s not OP doing it, it’s her husband insisting on it.

Agree. The only male surgeons I know doing a fair share of parenting are married to other surgeons.

Do you think he will agree to it?

Why can’t he do more parenting? I’m a full time (well more than full time actually as I do some managerial stuff too) surgeon yet still do drop off 3 days a week, make it home in time for tea/homework/bedtime most nights, get up with the kids on a weekend and take them to their activities. DH also works full time and we share this stuff fairly equally I would say. He is choosing to prioritise work over family, you need to decide if you’re ok with living like that. Don’t give up your career.

If the expectation is that you pay 50% of all household & childcare costs, that has to be matched by an expectation that he will do 50% of all household and childcare tasks, including mental load.
If his job prevents him from doing his 50% of tasks, then he cannot expect you to pay 50%.

I am dead set against couples who pay '50/50' - it is just not fair when there are children, because one person (usually the woman) ends up exactly as you have - doing more than 50% of the work but still expected to pay.
Plus, when you have unequal incomes, one person (like your DH) gets to keep far more money than the other, building up savings, able to buy stuff that the other can't afford, etc.
This is no way to stay married.
Does he plan to 'semi-retire' early while you still have to work? He is just not seeing himself as part of a team, a partner.

I would suggest to him that ALL income, from you and him, goes into a joint current account. From that, you each get 'personal spending allowance' or treats money paid into your current account, the same amount each, say a few hundred a month in your case. Then all household bills, shopping, nanny, other bought-in help, and everything to do with the DC, gets paid from the joint account.
Your personal allowances cover clothes, hobbies etc.
Cars and phones can either be from the joint or personal - negotiate what you prefer.
Savings should be joint. Insist that all savings and investments built up to date go into joint names. Then if he wants to re-start building savings in just his name, he does it from what he saves from his 'personal spending' money.

At the same time, re the household tasks - don't count tasks, count leisure hours. You should both have the same time 'off' each week, either sitting on the sofa relaxing, or lying in bed, or going out to hobbies and socialising.
Add up the hours you each get to do this over a week and make sure you are taking your share of time off.

If he won't agree to this, consider if it would be better for you to divorce him.

Is this a happy marriage OP? I'm not sure I would quit work as he sounds so selfish, like he would leave you short of funds probably if you stopped working, and if you then decided to leave you would be vulnerable. Have you got your own savings if it came to it?

What a dick.

Raising children is a job that can’t be outsourced. He seems to care more about his bottom line than his children’s happiness. Sounds like you could easily afford to take a few years out for a while. He sounds like a narcissist but I remember reading that many surgeons are psychopaths so I am not surprised.

I work pt and husband ft. Yet we share the childcare. Your h is the one with the problem here. You’re not saying you don’t want to work but saying this situation is not working for you all as a family so you need to change. He sounds selfish.

And I don't think he is miserable. He's enjoying the lifestyle and prestige of being a top surgeon, not having to worry about childcare and housework because his wife and staff look after it for him, and he can have a lie in every weekend. He's working these long hours out of choice and is accruing a nice investment pot to retire early. He's doing exactly what he wants, and is only angry because his wife is understandably unhappy with the current situation.

He sounds absolutely awful. Has he given any indication that he cares for the wellbeing of you and the children at all, or any consideration that the rest of you are all struggling? Or just anger that you dare suggest something that doesn't fit in with his plan? This should be a partnership.

I could better understand it if you were really struggling for money, and only just managing to pay the bills each month, but this is clearly not the case if he's putting half his large salary away each month for investments. A short term hit while you take some time off and apply for a new job won't make much difference to the long term plan.

He sounds completely selfish, and trying to make out you're the bad person in this scenario. Of course you're not being unreasonable, as the vast majority of people on this thread are saying. Your plan sounds totally sensible.

I think maybe you need marriage counselling, to make him see your (very reasonable) point of view, although I fear he will never actually succeed.

You need to know your financial situation, that complaint is at least readily rectified

This. The kids won’t thank you for doing the bare minimum.