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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to step back from my husband’s hobby event after all this?

134 replies

CitrusWhite · 20/11/2025 20:48

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair. I’ve kept quiet, avoided taking over and being the default organiser like I did with our wedding, kids’ christenings, birthdays etc. and told myself that if he wants the title and the praise, he can do the legwork!

Still, I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

One of the decorations is a balloon arrangement we need to make 15 of. We needed to test one last night or tonight so I can make the rest the day before the event. Yesterday I’d done a 13-hour day and had a long drive to and from the office. He invited a friend round to discuss event plans without asking me, even though I needed to be part of it. I sucked it up and got on with it, even though I was exhausted.

Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement so I know what I’m doing when I make the bulk of them. He couldn’t find a suitable pump, kicked off, and said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been. His argument being that he has had a busy day and looking for a lump is physical whereas last night I just had to talk - as though his physical exhaustion is worse than my mental exhaustion.

All I actually said was that we should’ve done the balloons last night, and that I’ve already put in a lot of effort and money for his hobby event, not mine and we need to do this test run as we wont get anither chance then it will be done last minute and we will bith be stressed. He insists he’s had a long day and it’s apparently fine for me to sit with a glass of wine while he looks for a pump, but he’s completely dismissing the work I’ve put in sourcing favours, raffle prizes and decorations of which I am sorting during wfh days around housework and school pick ups too (his job is FT office).

Right now I’m thinking: leave him to it. Let him run his event however he likes and remove myself from it entirely. In my head that’s the sensible option, but deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend - the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CitrusWhite · 21/11/2025 09:57

Agapornis · 21/11/2025 09:53

I work in charity fundraising and am a chair of trustees. You should claim the cost back. Good practice is to have everything costed, and in this case a monetary donation with Gift Aid would be more valuable than a donation in kind. E.g. if you donate £1200 it would add on another £300 in Gift Aid.

That's providing the charity is registered for Gift Aid...

But also, he clearly went above the usual budget which should have been agreed in advance with the treasurer. So get your £1000 from your DH and let him decide what to do with the rest.

Show up on the night, don't help with the prep.

Claim from where?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 21/11/2025 09:53

I work in charity fundraising and am a chair of trustees. You should claim the cost back. Good practice is to have everything costed, and in this case a monetary donation with Gift Aid would be more valuable than a donation in kind. E.g. if you donate £1200 it would add on another £300 in Gift Aid.

That's providing the charity is registered for Gift Aid...

But also, he clearly went above the usual budget which should have been agreed in advance with the treasurer. So get your £1000 from your DH and let him decide what to do with the rest.

Show up on the night, don't help with the prep.

Paganpentacle · 21/11/2025 09:49

Leave him to it.

MyThreeWords · 21/11/2025 09:49

Goog grief, @CitrusWhite , why are you involved at all?

I think this sentence says it all: I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

You've elected to become involved in something that has little to do with you. You have 'organised' for specific things to happen and now you expect your DH to step up and play the parts that your organising tendencies have set out for him.

This seems like a situation in which you have voluntarily taken on unnecessary 'mental load' which now makes you feel resentful and exhausted.

If my DH was organising such an event, I wouldn't remotely be involved in any of the planning. Perhaps he might ask me to blow up balloons or whatever, but this is so different from your situation. It sounds like YOU have decided that there must be a 'balloon arrangement' at HIS event and now you are upset that he is not following your schedule for the balloon planning: Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement. Sheesh.

And the money! Good grief. I might bake a few scones if I was organising a fundraiser. I wouldn't stump up £1500!!!!

Stompythedinosaur · 21/11/2025 09:46

Is this a freemasons thing? The whole "getting a position is an opportunity to pay" and dumping work on the wives of members sounds suspiciously similar.

If so, I think it's hard for people outside of that world to understand the pressure members are under to meet the totally unreasonable demands.

Absolutely step back. This sounds like a mad amount of money and effort to have spent.

BlondeFool · 21/11/2025 09:38

You both sound weird. Who spends £1500 of their own money? Cheaper to make a donation and claim gift aid 😂😂😂😂

TheSwarm · 21/11/2025 09:33

Why are you so invested in this, OP, and why on earth are you spending your own money on a fundraiser?

The whole point of a fundraiser is, to, y'know, make money, not lose it. If the club can't self-fund these things and actually turn a profit then the problem is people thinking you need sodding balloon arches and fancy events.

RampantIvy · 21/11/2025 09:31

tripleginandtonic · 21/11/2025 09:27

Does anyone really care about balloon arches? You're making work for yourself that there is no need for. Cut the dramatics and let your dh do his role.

TBH I would see one and think "what a waste of money and I hope my donation hasn't gone towards paying for one"

I attend and help at a lot of fund raising events and we don't waste money on fripperies like that. At afteroon teas, lunches and dinners there might be small flower arrangements and candles on the table, but that is as far as we go. (This is in response to the Rotary comment upthread).

tripleginandtonic · 21/11/2025 09:27

Does anyone really care about balloon arches? You're making work for yourself that there is no need for. Cut the dramatics and let your dh do his role.

RampantIvy · 21/11/2025 09:24

Do fundraisers really need loads of balloons?

No they don't. They aren't children.

Jugendstiel · 21/11/2025 09:19

Go to the treasurer and explain that you have spent £1.5 of your bonus and family money on this event and would like to see some of these expenses covered from the proceeds.

But... you're the one who pushed him to spend more on the event, so I think you have to take some responsibility for the budget and time and effort created unnecessarily. Do fundraisers really need loads of balloons? Why?

RampantIvy · 21/11/2025 09:18

DeedlessIndeed · 20/11/2025 22:42

Is it a rotary club type of thing?

I am a Rotary member and know members from other Rotary clubs and this is not normal for Rotary at all. It isn't a hobby either. We spend our time fund raising for various charities (and have fun doing it as well).

I would like to know what the mysterious hobby is. I don't understand why it is a thing on mumsnet not to mention husbands'/partners' hobbies.

Octavia64 · 21/11/2025 09:18

Step back.

don’t get involved.

at the event if necessary make clear it was all your dh. Or be ill. Your choice.

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 21/11/2025 09:16

Absolutely. Step back. Try to get money back even though he will claim it's from mutual 'pot'.

Original poster
CitrusWhite · 21/11/2025 09:15

I think what happened is when we first discussed it, he wanted it to be better than other people's events, naturally I think there will be a desire by every chair to have their event be the one people are talking about as the best they ever went to. We have attended a few over the years and you can see the wife has supported the husband, its very much expected that wives attend and you can tell it has been a team effort.

Because he wanted it to be the best, I supported with the room deposit and interpreted being the best as the things people will remember - a stunning room that people want to capture in photographs, great prizes and useful favours that wont just be chucked in a drawer. Maybe my ego came into play too because historically its clear that wives have been involved.

This is not our usual world, but when we are there I play along as the dutiful wife so as not to embarass him, its not a big deal to do this for a few hours usually. When we were doing some prep a few days ago, it was lovely and he had said "we are in it together" and of course in those moments it was exactly how I hoped we would support each other, as a team.

I think he is miffed that I had tried to arrange something special via my job at low cost but due to red tape its not been possible, I think he thinks I didnt try but there are procedures and I cannot side step the usual processes and costs (think along the lines of a travel agent being able to get a free holiday donated from a supplier but the employer not really being part of it therefore a grey area on if its even allowed and ramifications).

Right now I will be doing nothing further to help prep. He was supposed to send me some essential information I am supposed to know on the night and he hasn't, so duck that if he thinks I am stressing out to remember it all on the day. I guess I am a get ahead person where he is a 'it'll be alright person'. Maybe this is where he realises its only ever been alright because I made it that way. I guarantee he will be stressed on the day running around to get stuff done that could have been done already I.e. venue said they could do some stuff but he wont get it to them in time!

OP posts:
Freysimo · 21/11/2025 09:10

DeedlessIndeed · 20/11/2025 22:42

Is it a rotary club type of thing?

I thought golf club but I don't think they'd be as daft as OP's DH.

Shedmistress · 21/11/2025 09:07

If he thinks you are lazy then be lazy and get your money back.

IamnotSethRogan · 21/11/2025 09:00

This is nonsense. The funding is insane I'd tell him to jog on based on that alone.

I would of course help my husband if he needed it but he wouldn't act like a twat about it and would be incredibly grateful.

Dweetfidilove · 21/11/2025 08:41

YABU! You've over committed yourself and money to something that is

  1. Not your hobby
  2. Not something you should sensibly be paying out of pocket for
  3. As an ego boost for a man that doesn't respect or appreciate your efforts
  4. All because you also care far too much about people's perceptions.

Drop it now and let 'Mr I am Master of All Events' run his show. He will soon realise he's not that great and he doesn't get rewarded for speaking to you in the manner he did.

pondscaters · 21/11/2025 08:32

I interpreted this as the OP having some sort of balloon decoration business, even though she doesn’t say so explicitly.
She talks about trying out the balloon display, and is really keen it doesn’t look shit and that people may think that’s her work.
I can’t find another logical explanation as to why she doesn’t want the balloons to look crap, unless she is connected to them in some way🤷‍♀️

Thepossibility · 21/11/2025 06:23

I would be totally out and also expecting an apology after him speaking to you like that. You're lazy after going out of your way for him! Apparently you are his slave (that gets to pay for the honour!). He can fuck right off, I wouldn't want to discuss the event ever again let alone attend the bloody thing. There are consequences to treating people like shit.

3LemonsAndLime · 21/11/2025 02:48

CryMyEyesViolet · 20/11/2025 21:35

You lost me when you said it was his thing for his ego and so he can sort it out… then you sorted it all for him? And you’ve funded it.

You should’ve donated the £1.5k to the club and left it at that.

Absolutely this. You say you were letting him sort it - and then you write about balloon arches and all the extra things you are doing!

Kindly - OP you seem so emedded in this, you can’t see that your words/thoughts don’t match your actions. You are heavily involved in this. And you don’t need to be. And shouldn’t be.

Drop the rope. Use this as a lesson to yourself to let your husband handle this, and for you to resist getting involved, for WHATEVER reason. As I bet if you think you aren’t involved in this, your ‘not involved’ in alot of other areas in life is also very involved.

madaboutpurple · 21/11/2025 01:51

Your DH is crazy because sponsorship should be done by local businesses and local people who run a business and are members. Get those people to cover the costs ,the people get a fee advert and thanked. I hope you get your money back. I would not use my money for any organisation. I don't think much of him spending well over a grand. Do not use any more of your personal money in the future. The club needs to refund you .Your husband isn't a good organiser if he has not got sponsorship sorted. Let him learn from that but you need your money back.

Upupupandawayyyyyyy · 21/11/2025 01:25

CitrusWhite · 20/11/2025 20:48

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair. I’ve kept quiet, avoided taking over and being the default organiser like I did with our wedding, kids’ christenings, birthdays etc. and told myself that if he wants the title and the praise, he can do the legwork!

Still, I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

One of the decorations is a balloon arrangement we need to make 15 of. We needed to test one last night or tonight so I can make the rest the day before the event. Yesterday I’d done a 13-hour day and had a long drive to and from the office. He invited a friend round to discuss event plans without asking me, even though I needed to be part of it. I sucked it up and got on with it, even though I was exhausted.

Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement so I know what I’m doing when I make the bulk of them. He couldn’t find a suitable pump, kicked off, and said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been. His argument being that he has had a busy day and looking for a lump is physical whereas last night I just had to talk - as though his physical exhaustion is worse than my mental exhaustion.

All I actually said was that we should’ve done the balloons last night, and that I’ve already put in a lot of effort and money for his hobby event, not mine and we need to do this test run as we wont get anither chance then it will be done last minute and we will bith be stressed. He insists he’s had a long day and it’s apparently fine for me to sit with a glass of wine while he looks for a pump, but he’s completely dismissing the work I’ve put in sourcing favours, raffle prizes and decorations of which I am sorting during wfh days around housework and school pick ups too (his job is FT office).

Right now I’m thinking: leave him to it. Let him run his event however he likes and remove myself from it entirely. In my head that’s the sensible option, but deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend - the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

AIBU?

I voted YABU because you should of just stayed out of it completely in the first place

DeadBee · 21/11/2025 01:03

he sounds absolutely horrible.

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