A man who doesn't see his children

Does he pay maintenance?
Has she shown you all the court documents where he is fighting tooth and nail fir his child to have a right to a relationship with him? What was the court outcome?

Don’t be a fool. If a man tells you this the background is far murkier and complex.

Run

Is it, though? If a man absolutely doesn't want children and has taken precautions not to have them, is it really proof that he's not a good man if he chooses not to be a father.

A man can't abort an unwanted child, obviously. Yes, there's always a risk, of course, but it's all a bit forced-birth sounding to me. I don't know that there's any right answer here but I'm not sure I would jump immediately to him being a walking red flag. If a woman can decide whether or not to be a mother, what avenue does a man have to decide whether or not to be a father? Apart from absolute celibacy, of course!

Why is having a baby adopted by a stranger better than a mother keeping her own baby and the father accepting her request that he stay out of her and her baby’s lives? I fail to see why adoption is morally superior to leaving a child with a mother you actually know and expect will be a good parent.

On one hand I agree with you. But, and now I haven't fact checked this entirely, but at least some of this seems to be factual.

If I was married to another woman, I would have PR for any child that she conceived during our marriage if she named me as the other parent. That's something she could do without my presence.

The things I am iffy about is whether she could go and have IVF where I am named as the other parent on medical records without me being there and signing papers before the embryo transfer or IUI.

I am also fairly sure, but not totally sure, this would be the case if she conceived in other ways without medical assistance. From the face of it, it seems as if you can name your spouse as the other parent, regardless of gender, without them there.

I don't know how I would feel about becoming a parent that way and I think that compares to a case where the pregnancy was unplanned in a heterosexual relationship but the woman goes ahead with it. I don't know I'd just want to continue my marriage and accept being a parent with grace. I don't know that I could.

I say this specific scenario because the US basketball player who was imprisoned in Russia for cannabis possession had a situation like this with an ex wife of hers. I looked into it a bit at the time.

I have a long term colleague who first discussed not seeing his the 9 year old son 8 years ago.
At first it all seemed very plausible, geography, ex was a nutter, he wanted to but couldn't. He'd flesh out a hands on parenting story about football but it was a bit thin and repeated.
I think as my kids got older and this guy's story didn't really change. The ex was still a nutter but apparently ok to parent his child, he'd see them next summer but it fell through. They'd move to this area but then they didn't.
Eight years have now gone by, the kid is now an adult, no dad for the whole of his teen years and I just think my colleague is selfish, spineless and probably too self centred to want a child in his life at all.

Occasionally he has a relationship with women with children but always fizzles out, particularly if they don't have free weekends.

Run

This would be a huge red flag for me, no matter what excuse he gives. I’ve seen the impact firsthand, a friend who trusted her partner’s explanation, only for him to treat her children the same way. She seemed to think he would be different with her/ her children.

The lesson here is that how a man treats his child is always revealing—chances are, he would treat your children in the same way.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me, and I have dated someone in a similar situation.
BUT I don’t want children myself and have had an abortion in the past (and would again if necessary) which is probably a factor - if you want kids in the future I would think very carefully.

Massive red flag. Don't walk....RUN away fast and far.

Not wanting to be in his child’s life red flag. If he also doesn’t pay child support I’d say that was a second one.

No, they are not. They are talking short term responsibility, but in less than a year in the case of adoption, and in a few weeks for an abortion, they will be absolved of all responsibility.

Run.

He is not a good man.

This was the story with my ex, and it was just the beginning of the lies. Id never go along with it again, it shows extremely poor character. The rest will come out in a drip feed once the best behaviour to lure you in finishes.

It's not the same because in the first scenario there IS no child to ignore. In the second, the child exists. It's irrelevant why or whose choice it was. Financial support for that child at a bare minimum should be much more enforced than it is.

Abortion, adoption and refusing to take responsibility for a baby you helped create are all completely different things and can't be compared.

Abortion and adoption are taking long term responsibility.

Huge red flag.

They were in a relationship and she got pregnant. And he thought he could tell her what to do with that pregnancy and handled it in such a way that now she wants nothing to do with him. That’s assuming what he told you is true. A decent guy would respect that it is the woman’s right to choose and that they need to accept that decision. Not tell her what to do.

I would not actually believe what he says. But if it is true that she wanted nothing more to do with him, its more likely that she was well aware by his actions that he would be a horrible father and do his best to make her life miserable if they stayed in touch. If she thought he was a decent person she would probably be happy for him to have contact for the sake of her child.

You know that men get to make the decision where they put their penis, right?

This makes it fair enough in my mind. A woman wouldn’t be judged by a decent person for having an abortion at an early stage in the pregnancy, so I don’t think a man should be judged for making exactly the same choice not to be a parent.

This woman chose to continue a pregnancy knowing that she would be doing it alone, and that’s on her.

Entirely depends and I wouldn't judge until i knew all the facts, most important one being, is this a young child or adult child?

I do completely agree. I suppose my point was that there are always exceptions. Maybe not many, but they do exist!

It would be a massive red flag. However, before abortion was allowed, some women chose the option of adoption for their unwanted children. How do you view that? Should all parents be forced to take personal responsibility for their children from the moment of conception to the end of their childhood, regardless, or should abortion and voluntary giving up for adoption be allowed? If you think abortion and adoption should be allowed, then you accept that refusal to take long-term responsibility should be allowed in some circumstances.

A person who doesn’t see their adult offspring is different than a minor child. An adult offspring might choose to terminate the relationship because of bad parenting or simply because of their own personal issues.

a parent who doesn’t see their minor child is making choice or was denied access in court. It’s entirely different.

You've obviously never met a controlling, lying, narcissistic mother like my ex DIL, she would stop at nothing to stop my DS seeing his little girl and l mean nothing. In the family court system they are known as the 'we come as a package' brigade. Their policy is if you don't come back to me ,you don't see your child and refuse to split the property/,finances so the man can move on. Unfortunately even these days they can still get away with this for years.

I suppose it does beg the question, though; who does it benefit to force a man into a child's life who clearly doesn't want to be in it?

We can't force people to be parents, and we shouldn't, I think. Making them contribute financially is pretty much the only responsibility someone can be FORCED to take.