A man who doesn't see his children

So, he was happy to risk a pregnancy when he was getting sex, but he didn't want to put up with the results so he just abandoned a child of his own because it didn't suit his lifestyle and you think he is in any way a 'great guy'?

He's a deadbeat, he let down his own child (does he even pay for the child, or know what sex it is?) and he'll let you down too.

I think you'll find he would have been happy to keep having sex with the mother, he just didn't want any of the responsibility for the child he helped create and she wouldn't put up with her child being treated like trash.

I feel like a lot of these posts are just proof that it's not a good idea to try to force a man to be a father.

So many responses saying he didn't want a child, he wanted me to abort etc.A And it should go without saying that a man could never and should never be able to force a woman to abort but it's a pretty clear message that he has no intention of being a dad! Is it really better for a child to get confusing crumbs?

This is exactly what my ex says. It’s not true. I’d love him to see his kids. He does not want to because he’s a lazy, selfish man child. Unless you know her side, I’d walk away.

So this man didn’t want to be with her so she cut all ties (which is odd, given a lot of parents split up and co-parent quite well).

Then you say it’s because she didn’t want to abort the child that the relationship broke down?

It’s 2 different stories already. He has told you this information before it comes out, it’s damage control to the truth.

my ex didn’t what our baby, he tried to force me to abort him, I didn’t. He was then in and our lives for 3 years, messing us around. Playing father of the year to his other kids. No financial help for me, ever, wouldn’t even let the kids get to know each other, because I wouldn’t comply to his “rules”. We were both abused. 2.5 years ago he hit our son and contact stopped. He still wanted a relationship with me though??

he’s never taken me to court, just trots out this rubbish that this man is saying, in fact it’s eerily similar, “respecting her wishes”, “it’s the right thing to do” (with regards to court approved contact). Also has said previously that I cut contact because he didn’t want to be with me. Yet has contact with his other children, whose mother he also doesn’t want to be with. I can’t imagine this is the same man, but if any of this is ringing any bells, do a Claire’s law and run away.

I can imagine a man not wanting to be practically involved with his child. But he needs to contribute financially.

Massive red flag.
I wouldn't date a man with children either way.
If he's a good dad, he'll put his children first above you.
If he puts you first, he's a shit dad and therefore a shit man.
Either way, you lose.

My knee jerk reaction is to say stay away. And I do think that in the vast majority of cases it's the correct one.

But it is interesting that if I think on this further, I know several women who have given babies up for adoption because they didn't want to or didn't believe they were capable of being a parent (at that time at least) and I certainly don't judge them for that. So is there a place for a man to say "I had no interest in becoming a parent but someone else wanted to raise this child without my involvement and that's wonderful" and have that be ok? Yes, probably. Unfortunately I think in real life it's more often a red flag that either the parent raising the child has chosen to carry the full burden rather than have any involvement with the other parent because of what they know about that other parent and/or that the other parent is not being fully honest.

Assuming he is genuine and telling the truth about what happened, why is he a wanker? For not wanting a relationship with someone who has massively changed their mind about their direction in life? For not wanting to be a parent at that time in his life? If not automatically wanting to parent because you accidentally conceived makes a man a bad person, then why don’t you also judge any woman who has an abortion as a bad person?

I’d run a mile from a man with kids, regardless of whether he contacted them or not.

This is exactly what I imagine the “father” of my child would say - poor me, I would love to have a relationship with my child but I am such a good person I am respecting the mother’s wishes to not have any contact. The reality is he walked out on us and never made contact again apart from emailing once asking if he could have photos of ds - no how is he? can I see him? As I didnt respond he would taken that as a golden opportunity to tell everyone I had forbid him from seeing him I am sure. No maintenance paid ever (he said I would be taking money away from his other children from his previous marriage).

You might have time to do a bit of editing. Or ask Mumsnet to edit.

What a great man. Not.

even worse now that I have read that he was in a relationship with her first. Shocking. No way, please don't ignore this HUGE red flag.

Also, did he say he'd had unprotected sex? Isn't it more likely that there was an accident considering his views on fatherhood?

You know what, I have a colleague who I respect and get on with really well. He is married to a lovely woman who had 2 children when they got together and he has treated them like his own and treats their children like his grandchildren, it's a wonderful, loving family set up. But he fathered a child at a young age, he didn't want her to go ahead with the pregnancy, and he didn't really have any involvement in that child's life and that child (a grown up now) now wants nothing to do with him. But he is still a great guy, he was just too young when he fathered the child - still a child himself in fact - so I can see situations where this isn't a red flag.

Personally, I'd never have gone through with a pregnancy if I wasn't in a loving, permanent relationship with the father, so maybe that clouds my judgement, but I know of at least one guy not involved in his child's formative years who is a great bloke and has been a fantastic husband (to another woman) for the past 16 years. It all depends on the situation.

Would never entertain a parent that doesn't see their child. Even if I didn't want kids with them it would be a sign of their morals. No way. Unless there was a genuine unavoidable reason. Not just the Mum said no or some rubbish.

Oof. I hope nobody who gave a baby up for adoption reads this comment!

I would say its really odd. Like he has no parental instincts. Imagine if it was a woman? I dont understand how you live knowing you have a child somewhere who you dont even see. I would say also - he had unprotected sex with someone he wasnt prepared to have a child with.

And, of course, this is HIS story. Who knows what the reality is. It can be anything - from him leaving someone while pregnant to him not being allowed anywhere near the child due to abuse.

I would move on. I wouldn’t even be interested in what his excuses were.

Hmm I’m not sure about this. I’m sure there are ‘crazy ex girlfriend’ unicorns out there somewhere, but in real life most single mums I know would be very keen for a supportive father to give them a break with time and financials. Does he pay anything? It’s quite unusual for a mother to refuse any financial help in the current climate, no?

A man's relationship with his kids speaks volumes about the man himself.

How would you respond to a man who said to you that he isn't ready to have sex with you 3/6/9/12/24 months into your relationship because he doesn't want a baby with you now and isn't sure he wants a baby with you ever, at this point?

Would you be okay with waiting?

No, a man can’t. It’s shit-but it’s biology. All the more reason for men not to risk making children they don’t want.

Your experience is nothing like this situation, then, where he has apparently been quite open, by being honest with the OP about something he could have got away with not telling her, by admitting he had been in a relationship with the mother, by saying he had not wanted the baby and that this had ended the relationship and resulted in her telling him to stay out of her and their baby’s life. He has made no effort to sugarcoat it or paint his ex-partner in a negative light, he has just been honest.

Wow! He's sure done a number on you already 🤣