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Original poster

A man who doesn't see his children

307 replies

Darkyrees · 20/11/2025 16:18

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 20/11/2025 20:20

I'd want to know why he didn't see his child.

NoSoupForU · 20/11/2025 20:18

It isn't a bit of a red flag, it's a huge one. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of it.

JHound · 20/11/2025 20:17

OneAmberFinch · 20/11/2025 20:16

There is a real life child out there who has been born and wonders where his father is and why he doesn't care.

I can't really think of an equivalent example. Maybe a mother who left her children with relatives to foster and could go back any time but just never bothers to even visit.

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A woman giving up her child for adoption is equivalent.

MaggiesShadow · 20/11/2025 20:16

localnotail · 20/11/2025 20:13

You raised it, though? I mean, ok, I know accidents happen - but giving up your child always involves trauma for women. But not for men, or so it seems.

Edited - I also have one of those ))) a happy accident.

Edited
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I did and she's fabulous. But that was a choice, 100%. Had I chosen otherwise, I would have been able to absolve myself of all responsibility by having an abortion.

That option doesn't exist for men. So their only way of opting out is by opting out!

OneAmberFinch · 20/11/2025 20:16

Celestialmoods · 20/11/2025 19:40

Assuming he is genuine and telling the truth about what happened, why is he a wanker? For not wanting a relationship with someone who has massively changed their mind about their direction in life? For not wanting to be a parent at that time in his life? If not automatically wanting to parent because you accidentally conceived makes a man a bad person, then why don’t you also judge any woman who has an abortion as a bad person?

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There is a real life child out there who has been born and wonders where his father is and why he doesn't care.

I can't really think of an equivalent example. Maybe a mother who left her children with relatives to foster and could go back any time but just never bothers to even visit.

ConstantlyTired312 · 20/11/2025 20:16

Walkaround · 20/11/2025 19:16

Your experience is nothing like this situation, then, where he has apparently been quite open, by being honest with the OP about something he could have got away with not telling her, by admitting he had been in a relationship with the mother, by saying he had not wanted the baby and that this had ended the relationship and resulted in her telling him to stay out of her and their baby’s life. He has made no effort to sugarcoat it or paint his ex-partner in a negative light, he has just been honest.

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Well, he said it was amicable between us and was lying, so I am saying that if you are only relying on what he says it could be completely made up (like my situation, so, yes it is similar)

AInightingale · 20/11/2025 20:16

Darkyrees · 20/11/2025 16:22

He didn't want a relationship with the mum so she wants nothing to do with him. He says he's respecting her wishes.

Wouldn't believe that for a moment. Just an excuse 'cos he can't be bothered with his child. Few women would elect to be single parents and deal with all the stress and drudgery of childrearing alone.

I think the phrase 'unfit father' should be used more widely.

Rubbertreesurgeon · 20/11/2025 20:14

Darkyrees · 20/11/2025 16:40

They were in a relationship, he didn't want her to keep the pregnancy. She did anyway so the relationship broke down.

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was on the fence but that update is a run. What does it even mean he didn't want her to not continue with the pregnancy? do you mean he asked her for an abortion? That's totally up to the mum. Run!

localnotail · 20/11/2025 20:13

MaggiesShadow · 20/11/2025 20:11

Well, yeah. But not everything is 100% effective. I have a 17 year old to prove it 😂

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You raised it, though? I mean, ok, I know accidents happen - but giving up your child always involves trauma for women. But not for men, or so it seems.

Edited - I also have one of those ))) a happy accident.

JHound · 20/11/2025 20:12

You cannot be this desperate OP. There are other men out there.

MaggiesShadow · 20/11/2025 20:11

localnotail · 20/11/2025 20:09

If you are so sure you dont want a child you make 100% sure you dont make one.

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Well, yeah. But not everything is 100% effective. I have a 17 year old to prove it 😂

JHound · 20/11/2025 20:10

springcoil · 20/11/2025 20:06

My ex has children with me and he doesn’t see them and it definitely doesn’t put women off as he doesn’t struggle to date so I’m not sure many women irl care about this kind of thing

They think it won’t happen to them.

JHound · 20/11/2025 20:09

andanotherproblem · 20/11/2025 17:02

Do you know something, before I would have said run but now I wouldn’t let it put me off if there are valid reasons. My DP doesn’t see his child (yes I agree he could go to court and should) because the mother is an absolute see you next Tuesday. She causes so much arguments, trouble, she’s malicious and vindictive. There are also situations which sounds like yours, the mum wanted a baby, the dad didn’t, I don’t agree with being forced to be a father and pay just because someone made a decision without you

I agree with some of this except saying if he did not want it he should not pay. I don’t see why the taxpayer should step in because he couldn’t be arsed to wear a condom.

I also think the one’s who claim they won’t fight for access because the ex is a nightmare are full of it. You would never hear a woman say that.

localnotail · 20/11/2025 20:09

MaggiesShadow · 20/11/2025 19:33

Also, did he say he'd had unprotected sex? Isn't it more likely that there was an accident considering his views on fatherhood?

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If you are so sure you dont want a child you make 100% sure you dont make one.

springcoil · 20/11/2025 20:06

My ex has children with me and he doesn’t see them and it definitely doesn’t put women off as he doesn’t struggle to date so I’m not sure many women irl care about this kind of thing

islingtontrial · 20/11/2025 20:05

This happened to a friend of mine. He told her some bullshit story about why he didn't see his child then she got pregnant and he walked away. She contacted the ex and, as she suspected, found he'd lied.

XelaM · 20/11/2025 20:05

OP if you're dating my ex-husband - RUN 😂

JHound · 20/11/2025 20:05

I would have nothing to do with him. Too much baggage.

Twilight7777 · 20/11/2025 20:04

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

LoveRules · 20/11/2025 20:03

Instant and irreversible ick for me. Definitely. One hundred percent. Same goes for men who have deliberately moved away from their children and not put them at the heart of decision making.

Tablesandchairs23 · 20/11/2025 20:02

Dead beat Dad. Run away

RhaenysRocks · 20/11/2025 20:02

YourFirmLimeHam · 20/11/2025 19:20

How would you respond to a man who said to you that he isn't ready to have sex with you 3/6/9/12/24 months into your relationship because he doesn't want a baby with you now and isn't sure he wants a baby with you ever, at this point?

Would you be okay with waiting?

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I made it clear to my partner (we both have teens) that while I didn't want another child, I wouldn't abort one if it happened accidentally. He rang the GP the next day to sort out a vasectomy. He took responsibility for his own fertility. I'd respect a man who did that and if that meant "waiting" then yes.

Shortandfatandpaleandlovely · 20/11/2025 20:00

He's lovely when he gets what he wants from people, vindictive when he doesn't, so won't see his child to punish the mother for keeping it.

He's causing emotional damage to the child, his child, so no, not a lovely man.

How old is the child, and how much child support is he paying the mother?

QuaintMauveCrow · 20/11/2025 19:59

GetOverTheEgo · 20/11/2025 17:30

I'd run.

He's shown you who he is. Someone who does not care about the existence of a living breathing vulnerable human being he created. Because of [insert stupid reason du jour here].

I could not get past it i am afraid.

This absolutely. RUN.

SleeplessInWherever · 20/11/2025 19:58

CurlewKate · 20/11/2025 19:54

I can imagine a man not wanting to be practically involved with his child. But he needs to contribute financially.

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I can well believe that there are men and women who don’t want to be involved with their children, I just wouldn’t associate with them, and I definitely wouldn’t be in a committed relationship with any of them.