A man who doesn't see his children

I would see it as a huge red flag. His reasoning isn’t good enough. A good man would fight tooth and nail to see his children.

Leaving your own child with a family of gangsters isn't a red flag?!

Of all the red flags, this was probably the biggest for me- but then I knew I wanted my own children and didn't want them abandoning.

There are 3 reasons a man doesn't see his own child:

1. He doesn't want to.
2. He would quite like to, but not enough to put any effort in, negotiate with the mother, or take it to court.
3. He has taken it to court and it's been judged that he's unfit to parent.

Which of those comes across as the most "financially secure and responsible" or indicates the most concern towards his closest family member?

Woman have quite a few 'get out' cards - namely abortion and adoption.

I know, the gall of him. Making out like he's a decent guy. I'd run OP. I'd run away from an EOW dad as well. Not the kind of man i'd be interested in.

Except they don't, as evidenced here.

This man made it clear he didn't want a child, and walked away. Presumably he pays for the child, as he should, but nobody can be forced to be a parent. Being made to visit a reluctant father who never wanted a child is much worse than being raised alone by the mother who actually loves and wants you.

There are loads of reasons why this could be a red flag and also loads of reasons why it wouldn't be.
It's impossible to tell on that limited information.
How old were they when the child was conceived, how is the mothers mental health, are her family crazy gangsters, is she crazy, were they in a relationship or a one night stand, how hard did he try to be in the childs life, does she live the other side of the world or 5 minutes doen the road.. so many questions to fifure this out.
I think you need more info tbh.

Totally. But somehow, men always have a "get out" card - they can just walk away from it all. No physical pain, no guilt, no responsibility. And there are seem to be a lot of females prepared to make excuses for them.

Yes. This isn't an example where you can just trivially flip the sexes and it has to be equal, "oh she can have an abortion so I should be able to be a deadbeat dad, #equality".

Reproduction is THE fundamental difference between the sexes so the options men and women have will inherently always be different.

He told you about his DC, so talk to him.

My DH told me he had DCs that he didn't see.

He told me why in a phone call before our first date. Over course of a few weeks, I saw the court papers etc. He said his ex and her new DH made it difficult and the eldest DC cried when they saw him.

Turns out DC was being sexially abused by the SD which is why they cried when they saw their DF - they needed saving.

I didn't walk away from him. He was a great dad and a real rock.

If he has no reason not to see his DC, then red flag ergo run.

I did not use this example as I thought perhaps there might be legal contact orders or something in such an example which might be the reason the mother is not able to easily see the child, even if she thought about him every day.

Tbh even in an adoption scenario I would also find it a little strange to just go about your life knowing you had a child out there but not really being that interested, "ah well I didn't want it so I got rid of it". As far as OP describes, her bf is not pining for his lost child he has no access to or something. He just feels he cut ties and done is done.

100 percent would be a red flag for me whatever the reason. Regardless of the reason for me that is huge baggage that I couldn’t be bothered with. Maybe I’m just too judgemental.

Yes, but guys cant have an abortion, or force someone to have one. They have to accept the situation and take responsibility.

What I am saying - unless she did a complete U-turn - they should have discussed it in advance, and agreed that if there is a pregnancy it will have to be terminated.

It could have been, of course, that they agreed that he will have nothing to do with the child if it happens - ok, but this would be a massive ick for me. Deliberately making a child to give up? Yikes.

However, from what OP is saying the relationship seemed straight forward, no special arrangements beforehand, woman fell pregnant, and after she did, he decided he doesn't want a child. And seemed to have no issues walking away from it. Ok, this is allowed, of course - but in a new relationship, I would be asking: will I end up the same? Will he as easily give up my child with him? This guy seem to have very weak parental instinct and no sense of responsibility.

Edited - also, as I have said, he could be lying. I would not be able to make any kind of judgement unless I know he situation from both sides.

I call bullshit. If a friend of yours found herself pregnant and was considering an abortion, you would honestly tell her "well if you hadn't wanted a child you should have made sure you didn't make one"? Of course you wouldn't. Normal people would say "accidents happen".

Same? You have sex, you always have a contingency plan in case it leads to pregnancy. And you discuss it with you partner in advance.

I’d want to know more but this would be a big red flag. Now read more

He has a child and is content not seeing them or making a contribution. No thank you. I couldn’t
respect that

Sorry but I genuinely don't see why that's relevant.

I am assuming he used protection and it failed. I could be entirely wrong. But I don't know what them being in a relationship has to do with it. Plenty of people are in relationships and choose to be childfree. You don't have to want or expect children to be in a relationship!

My ex says I’m malicious, vindictive, causes trouble etc…

It’s 100% untrue and I suspect all men who spout this are lying too because what I will never understand is, if a man thinks the mother of his child is such an awful person, why walk away and leave her as the only role model for the child?

Would you say that to a woman who accidentally fell pregnant?

So he was in a relationship and his partner got pregnant, then he told her to have an abortion. When she wouldn't, he dumped her and has never seen the child. Or supported it, presumably.

He's trash.

I agree. If he tried and failed - its a completely different story.

Many women deny men the option of seeing their child for their own reasons, its not always a reflection of the mans character. He may be telling the truth. However he should have a history of attempts to see his child. If he had a savings account to provide for the child and a stack of unsent birthday cards I'd forgive him. Even if he was devastated to lose custody i think a good man will be waiting and hoping til his child is old enough to choose to be in his life. Accepting it and moving on doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but I don't think i could accept this as good enough for me.

This is why they should be a bit more careful who they chose to shag, and how well they are prepared to make sure they are using protection! He was in a relationship with someone and he wanted her to have an abortion. I doubt the female was warned in advance this would be the outcome.

So you think a woman should be forced to abort if the father doesn’t want the child? How late into pregnancy does that go, all the way up to birth?
What about the other way round, the father wants it but the mother doesn’t. Should women be forced to carry a child they don’t want, and what if the man doesn’t contribute but makes her carry the pregnancy?

Men have a choice not to have sex, or to use a condom. His choice ends once sex is over & at that point it becomes the woman’s healthcare choices. Anything else is giving men control over womens’ bodies and is wholly unacceptable.

You’d better go, Gilead is calling.